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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29354082">Eden// d.k.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellonxoolie/pseuds/mellonxoolie'>mellonxoolie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>20th Century CE RPF, Columbine - Fandom, Dylan Klebold - Fandom, True Crime - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Rape/Non-con Elements, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama, Teenagers, Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:28:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>60,864</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29354082</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellonxoolie/pseuds/mellonxoolie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dylan - the quiet ponderer, that one shy person with secrets. Marianne - the loud bitch, the fun loving independent neurotic. Both from opposite cliques. Despite Mari's bad relationship experiences, she can't push love away. Dylan's in love with love itself even though he never experienced it. One fateful day, these worlds clash. Little does Mari know, it will be the end of life as she knew it.</p><p>"Knowing you was like finding out the secrets of the universe and leaving you is like being expected to somehow forget them all."</p><p>"Love was indeed a big responsibility. One must use the word judiciously. One cannot love one day and take away love the next day. It is total caring."</p><p> </p><p>I don't condone in any way. This may come as a surprise because the whole book revolves around Columbine shooters. My goal was to display both boys, especially D. Klebold, in a good and bad light. That's what makes them human (because once they were living and breathing beings that walked this Earth). I hate what they did and it's not something to forgive or see as a small mistake.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Brooks Brown (b.1980)/Original Character(s), Devon Adams/Zack Heckler, Dylan Klebold/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. CH1// In Her Hips There's Revolution</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>August 18th, 1998</p><p>Was it him who I saw this morning? How many other guys wear trench coats,combat boots and a backwards baseball cap? The answer is, not many. Not at Columbine, atleast. He's a year older, senior now and soon graduating. A whole new school year is ahead of us. Something has to happen or else I'll miss my chance forever. And what's worse than living with regret?</p><p>"Back to what I was saying. Subjective culture is viewed as something invisible that resides in people's minds." Mr. Green paces in front of the blackboard in a steady manner. His sight never leaves the beige carpet underneath his feet. " It can be metaphorically seen as a software of the mind - a mental programming."</p><p>This could be useful in a short story. Somewhere. I might write it today. The blank piece of paper in front of me looks inviting. Let's do a story based on subjective culture.</p><p>His speech gets paused by noticable knocking on the door. It opens. The principal stands in the doorway. A blue pen I was gripping falls out of my hand. His eyes scan the ghost-quiet classroom.</p><p>'' May I speak with Ms. Larson for a second?''</p><p>What for this time? Oh, right. I know.</p><p>Unsure of how to respond, I get up from the cold plastic chair. My noodle legs somehow carry me to him. The girls sitting around me give me sympathetic tight-lipped smile. Usually I would be aware of my classmates' both judgemental and indifferent stares. I'd allow them to stab my back like a thousand sharp knives. But not today.</p><p>The principal exchanges a short sentence or two with my sociology teacher. He apologizes for interrupting the lesson. Before I step out into the hallway, I take a last look at my fellow classmates and give the girl I was talking to a frown. The door shuts behind Mr. DeAngelis. It echoes through the empty hallway and I freeze. My blood is burning, my heart ready to jump out, fists clenched. I know what I was called out for. Am I sorry for it? No way.</p><p>We both stand there, exchanging cold stares. The older man examines me from head to toe. "I'm going to have to ask you to change your shirt. The dress code policy clearly states that all shirts and tops must cover the midriff at all times.''</p><p>''I don't have another shirt with me," I protest.</p><p>''The school will borrow you one. This is the second time I had to call you out on this, and it's only the second day of school. If this repeats one more time I'm afraid I'll have to send you home, " he warns me and raises his pointer finger at me. How fucking old am I, 5? Yesterday it was because of a camisole, today it's because my mesh top isn't covering my belly button?</p><p>I better play this cool. The truth is, I was never that kid who would cause trouble and go against authorities at any given chance. Okay, one time in junior high, I signed dirty words to a deaf classmate, making him laugh so hard we both got asked to leave. But in my defense, in elementary school I got into a programme for gifted kids. Life would be too boring without a change, though.</p><p>A loud snicker escapes my mouth. Shit, Mari, the principal is watching you! And he is certainly displeased.</p><p>I cover my mouth and take a deep breath, getting myself into serious mode. ''It won't happen again." Or will it.</p><p>I follow him into his office and he hands me a baggy, white t-shirt with the school's logo on it. It could probably fit an elephant. Hello there you ugly piece of fabric, we meet again.</p><p>I pull it over my head,whispering profanities under my breath. Time to head back. Every bone in my body starts to shake. The closer I'm getting to the door, the louder my thoughts are. I can't leave this alone. Not without having the last word.</p><p>" In my defense,'' I clench my fist into a ball, ''there are more severe problems in this school than girls' clothes.''</p><p>'' Those are getting dealt with," his face is unreadable. Whether it's because he is used to getting complaints like that, or simply not caring, I don't know.</p><p>"Ms. Larson, return to the class.''</p><p>My shoulders hang low as I drag myself out of his office. Not only do I have to wear an ugly ass tee, people will also know I got dresscoded again. Another attempt at having the last word failed.</p><p>The day goes by rather fast. Before I know it, it's lunchtime. At this point I'm not sure if I'd rather sink into the floor or be among 500 other people at lunch.</p><p>Squatting down, I shove all of my books and notebooks into my locker. Thank god it's so close to the cafeteria, atleast I don't need to hurry. I close the door forcefully and stand up.</p><p>''Mari!'' the voice behind me is recognizable.</p><p>''Devon!''</p><p>Her brown hair sits on both her shoulders, enjoying the freedom from her usual tight bun. When have I seen her without it? In the past two months of knowing her - never.</p><p>She points at my t-shirt. '' What in the world are you wearing? Trying out something new?'' she remarks, ''That doesn't seem like your usual style.''</p><p>'' Oh please, what do you know? I got dresscoded second day in a row. That's my new record,'' I puff up my chest and raise my chin.</p><p>'' More to come as I'm looking at you,'' she says with a proud smile.</p><p>'' You should've seen me yesterday! Jenna was like yo since when is our school producing trashbags?''</p><p>My laugh is loud enough to catch the attention of other students passing by. Some of them are here for the first time. Must be the freshmen and they sure as hell are confused. As they should.</p><p>'' I wanted to talk to you, unfortunately Jenna was in the way,'' Devon shrugs with an ironic smile.</p><p>'' Still not over those silly little stupid munchkin arguments?'' I cross my arms.</p><p>She points a finger at herself. '' I am over them but your bestie isn't. I don't want to cause any more drama.''</p><p>''When did that fall out happen? In spring?" I wave my hand." That's so long ago. I don't remember what happened last week.''</p><p>Dev brushes it off as another one of those sentences that only I can relate to. '' Is she at school today or are we sitting together?''</p><p>'' No, I haven't seen her after second period. ''</p><p>Jenna always tells me if she's going somewhere beforehand. Maybe she forgot. She was pretty stressed out when she drove me to school this morning. Who wouldn't, when at 7:30 I rant about setting a toaster on fire.</p><p>'' C'mon, let's eat before somebody takes up our spot.'' Devon drags me by my arm all the way to the crowded cafeteria.</p><p>We dodge loud students and walk rather fast to catch the table. Through the enormous windows, a late August sunshine casts strobes of light inside. The cafeteria smells of bleach, spilled milk and whatever low quality food we're having today. A little ketchup in it, maybe pizza? Dear jesus.</p><p>The school t-shirt I am wearing must have been washed in a magical potion, because it glues everybody's eyes to it. Have you never met a girl who got dresscoded?</p><p>When we're settled down with our food in front of us, my eyes wander around the open space. Floods of students keep coming.</p><p>There's Dylan. In all his grace, his head peaking out of sea of students. Geeky glasses resting on his big nose, black baseball cap turned backwards covering his long blonde hair. God, he's so tall. He stands out like a sore thumb. His posture is a little wonky, long limbs uncoordinated.</p><p>Fuzzy butterflies tickle my stomach, the way they did when I first acknowledged him. He was an outcast junior causing trouble at school - hacking into the school system computers and scratching lockers. I was a sophomore,nominated for a honor roll award for my good grades. We couldn't be more different. What is different anyway? A social construct made up by somebody who felt bad about not having a label for themselves.</p><p>Three other guys are standing next to him, out of which I only recognize Zack. I went along with him and his girlfriend to Outback Steakhouse, to celebrate her 16th birthday in July. That's where we got so close. Zack was nice enough to give me a tequila which I very much craved after the dinner, and we both got drunk. Devon had to take care of us, or atleast that's what she said.</p><p>I must be staring for a hot minute. Devon takes a note of this.</p><p>'' I spy with my little eye... '' she looks over her shoulder, '' the one you dearly love! " A playful grin paints across her lips.</p><p>'' It's not like that.''</p><p>"Doll, remember what you told me that one summer night?'' she gives me the duh look, ''That if you don't get him soon you'll hate yourself for the rest of your life? ''</p><p>Wow, I must have been black out drunk by that time. No wonder I don't remember.</p><p>" Are you crazy? Am I crazy? '' I ask.</p><p>'' Hey guys, c'mere !'' she waves her hand, signaling the group of guys to come closer.</p><p>Zack makes his way over to us, followed by the other three dudes,including my long time crush. Crush, such a simple word. The way I feel for him is more than that.</p><p>The sunshine haired tall boy sits on the opposite side of the table - facing me. This sight of him is like a warm bonfire on a cold winter night (when you're in the middle of a forest and expecting a bear to show up and eat you).</p><p>His face is nothing more than cold and dull over having to be here. I'd be too if I was forced to sit with a person who knows my bullies and despite that, keeps talking to them.</p><p>Next to him sits a much shorter guy who I saw him in the hallways these past two years. He's hard not to miss, always sporting his military style pants and Rammstein or KMFDM tees. Must be Eric. The guys Jenna and I talk to make fun of him constantly.<br/>Zack, of course, takes a seat right next to his lovely girlfriend. I'm left with having the third guy with short brown hair by my left side.</p><p>They greet us. A short silence follows. Devon whispers something to Zack. He then breaks the silence.</p><p>"Mari let me introduce you to these gentlemen. That's Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, Nate Dykeman." he points a finger at each of the guys as he says their name.</p><p>"Hi guys, I'm Marianne - but call me Mari. Nice to meet you." I give them a small hand wave.</p><p>'' She's a really cool girl. You gotta get to know her better,'' Devon nudges my shoulder, looking back and forth at them and then at me.</p><p>'' Stop it I'm blushing already! Oh my god'' I say, the backs of my hands touching my cheeks playfully, with a big smile on my face.</p><p>Eric and Dylan sit there with annoyance written all over their faces. What a great first impression.</p><p>Nate, sitting next to me, goes out of his way to shake my hand. That must look awkward.</p><p>"Nice to meet you Mari. Aren't you friends with Jenna Hughes?''</p><p>'' Yeah that's me. We're best friends.''</p><p>'' Hanging out with a popular chick yet you don't look like one of them. Interesting.'' Nate scans me from head to torso. His eyes freeze again at the CHS writing on my shirt.</p><p>'' What's that supposed to mean? '' I furrow my eyebrows and tilt my head.</p><p>'' No I mean it as a good thing, that was actually a compliment.'' he puts his hands up in defense and softly smiles.</p><p>'' Gee thanks, it could've been worded better though.''</p><p>By the time our odd conversation is over, everyone has already dug into their food. People by the table interact with each other, making sure not to leave me behind too and I'm soon at ease with them. It's Nate who does a lot of the talking, Eric only adding in witty remarks. Eric is avoiding Devon at all costs and vice versa. Every once in a while I blurt out something irrelevant, which confuses the boys. Atleast Nate and Devon laugh, so it's all good. Dylan and Eric quote so many lines from the movie Natural Born Killers, it almost shocks me. It gave me nightmares to say the least when I watched it with my ex-boyfriend.</p><p>To my astonishment, she acts comfortable like she knows all of Zack's friends. You sure do miss the interesting details when you hang out with a bunch of brand clothing covered shiny statues.</p><p>Two guys in white caps brush past our table. Shit, shit, shit, why aren't they in their own little area? My head drops. One of them says something along the lines of "What is she doing there?" But they're now too far away to hear clearly.</p><p>Eric looks at his watch. '' Yep we should get going. Don't wanna be late for german.''</p><p>The boys get up from the table one by one. '' We're goin'. See you later. '' Nate adds.</p><p>Zack plants Devon a kiss on the head before he leaves. How annoyingly cute.</p><p>Dev and I make our way down the hallway full of rushing students. Just a few more minutes until the next class.</p><p>'' Why did you do that for me?''</p><p>'' I don't want you to hate yourself for the rest of your life.'' Her hand lands on my shoulder, '' Better start somewhere.''</p><p>'' Have you always been this close to those dudes?'' Curiosity gets the best out of me.</p><p>'' I started talking to them when I got together with Zack! Mostly just Dylan though.''</p><p>So she might know him better than I thought.</p><p>Dev adds something along the lines of, "Stay away from Eric."</p><p>I count on my fingers, '' A year now and I didn't know much about it. ''</p><p>'' That might be because we weren't friends back then, '' she says in a rather defensive tone.</p><p>Devon's right, though. I would have started talking to her much earlier, haven't I been in the middle of the Jenna vs. Devon verbal fights. They never lead anywhere. Devon is smarter therefore doesn't look for starting anything on purpose, which I'm relieved by. But if Jenna jumps,she jumps back. And I get involved because I just want them to get along. They did it before, why can't they now? Well, Jenna lost a smart friend and I gained one. Thanks, bestie.</p><p>We go on to chat about my crush for a full minute or two before the bell rings. Shit, I have to get to the opposite side of the hall as fast as humanly possible.</p><p>Devon doesn't stop talking. '' I have some advice for you, though. As I already said , Dylan is super shy around girls. To the point where he barely speaks to any." My entire nerve system heats up more than ever before." If you want something to happen, which I'm sure you do by the look in your eyes, you should make the first move.''</p><p>A burning lava boils in my throat. ''First move- how?''</p><p>I did have a handful of dates with handful of guys, so I should good at this. Surprise, I'm not. Half of the dates I went on were only because I felt guilty. With the other half, it was the other way around. In both scenarios the guys ended up never contacting me again and avoiding me at school.</p><p>Dev has a serious boyfriend. I'm missing out. I've always been good on my own, Mari man up! This is so unlike me.</p><p>We stop in front of the classroom where Devon is supposed to be, while other students get inside.</p><p>'' Start talking to him. Easy as that.''</p><p>I cross my arms. '' Talking about what? I only know his name.''</p><p>The last student to enter the room almost shuts the door in front of Dev, so she quickly grabs it by the handle.</p><p>'' Sheesh, I'll set something up for you then.''</p><p>I rub my hands together in a pleading way. '' Please don't make it too obvious. I want to get to know him better at first.'' That is, if he doesn't find me annoying already.</p><p>Some teacher yells at us to get to class. Devon does as she says.</p><p>With her head sticking out between the door, she gives me a warm smile. '' I gotcha. Just trust me.'' The door shuts.</p><p> </p><p>Before I know it, I get dropped off by Dev. Her car is super groovy - a 1973 Pontiac Ventura, something out of an old action movie.</p><p>I take a step back to get a nice view of the boring place I live in. Definitely needs change, and more colour. Oh, the distasteful exterior of my palace. More like a mansion. Nope, just another basic suburban house.</p><p>'' I'm home bitches!'' I open the black entrance door to my house,then kick it to fully open with one foot. Thank god my parents are still at work and didn't hear or see my announcment. My chunky platform shoes make their home in the entrance hall.</p><p>With one swift movement my backpack ends up in the corner of the living room. I plop down on the couch. While searching for the remote control, the phone starts ringing close to me. I reach over for it.</p><p>One dollar to me if it's Jenna, one dollar out of the window if not.</p><p>"Hello?"</p><p>"Hey, it's Robyn, " the girl on the other line says. "Do I have the right number?"</p><p>I reach into the pocket of my baggy pants. Gum, quarters, bunched up paper, chewed up gum.</p><p>"Oh yeah what's you, up do. I mean what's up, you do," I laugh to myself, then get all serious. I take out the paper out of my pocket. One fucking dollar.</p><p>" I was wondering if you wanted to go bowling this friday?"</p><p>"Sure why not. Where at?"</p><p>Robyn tells me the adress and I smile widely. "Oh! Englewood is great. I went there this summer and I like how the atmosphere is a bit different from Littleton..."</p><p>As I keep on telling the story of my summer adventure, she keeps quiet.She is totally facepalming herself.</p><p>When I finish my story she continues, " So, we always go at around 10 pm. Is that alright with you?"</p><p>I shake my head. "No problem, no problem at all. Well, there is one. I have no car."</p><p>"That's not a problem, I could pick you up at 9:45. What's your adress?"</p><p>I give her the adress and after our goodbyes I slam the phone down. Shit, I didn't ask her who else is going. Guess I'll just have to find out when I get there.</p><p>Never in a million years would I have thought she'd call me out of nowhere. We do not talk in school or outside of it. The one exception was this summer, where we had a couple of drinks at one of Jenna's infamous house parties. It was real awkward though, as she's a picture perfect all american blonde christian girl. Why doesn't Jenna mind talking to her and in fact, likes her more than Devon? It doesn't sit right with me. Like, yes you both are into God and Jesus and are hypocrites, but is that an actual ingredient for a friendship?</p><p>The living room window which gives a large view into our small backyard is heavy as I open it. One dollar - now turned into a ball, flies out of my hand and lands on fresh clean-cut grass.</p><p>The controller was right next to me the whole time, damn it. Just as I'm about to turn the TV on, the phone rings again. Well, no brainwashing for me today.</p><p>"Hey girl what's up? How was school? Anything new?" Jenna curiously asks.</p><p>"Same old, had lunch with Devon and her boyfriend's friends, Mrs. Lopez was giving me a hard time in art history because I arrived like 3 minutes later. Can't blame me for that, it was only 8 am like girl give me a break!'' I shake my head at the thought of that, a side smirk forming on my face.</p><p>'' You're so telling me everything at school.''</p><p>''You can count on that. I missed you today," I fake pout as if she could see me through the brick phone.</p><p>"I was at the dentist you doofus! It's not like I moved away and I'm never coming back."</p><p>" Totally didn't mean to dramatize this situation, " I lean back in my seat and throw my head back,sighing.</p><p>She's definitely smiling, "Totally did."</p><p>" Well you didn't tell me in advance. If Devon wasn't at school, I wouldn't have a way to get home!"</p><p>Jenna is totally rolling her eyes as she says, "That's nonsense, you could have asked other friends around."</p><p>''I have some big things to tell you. Tomorrow."</p><p>"Oh shit, the best things always happen at school when I'm not there!" she says matter-o-factly.</p><p>" Actually I can tell you something right now," I change my mind. "You know how you introduced me to Robyn in summer...''</p><p>'' Yeah?''</p><p>I twirl a piece of my dark brown hair around my finger. '' Well,she wants me to go bowling with her. So if you were planning on throwing a party on friday then just know that I'm not going.''</p><p>'' I wasn't even planning on doing that this week girl,'' she empathizes the last word.</p><p>"Girl, shut up."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. CH2// Dig Your Own Hole</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A soft breeze is flying through the halls of my high school. It's colder than usual for August. The weather must be on drugs. In the ocean of busy students and teachers, my best friend is shining bright as the sun. She's bolting from the opposite end of the main entrance hallway. Long raven hair dancing behind her. Her feet don't stop at the right time and she almost crashes into me. Her hand ends up on my shoulder, breathless, her face turning red,yet she manages to laugh.</p>
<p>"Guess what happened in gym class! Wait wait,don't say anything I'll tell you.''</p>
<p>'' I'm all ears." She's gonna say either something stupid or funny. Preferably both.</p>
<p>'' This one tall senior dude was late to class,as usual, and the teacher made him do bear crawls which I thought was hilarious,'' she begins to laugh even more.</p>
<p>I interrupt her, shaking my head. '' That's not even funny what are you talking about?''</p>
<p>Her finger moves dangerously close to my face, '' I wasn't finished! So, then we played this no rules dodgeball game. Him and this really scrawny kid were last and the scrawny kid beat him!'' she goes into a sputtering burst.</p>
<p>I struggle to keep my face straight, my own laugh barely restrained. '' Isn't that the same guy who called you a bitch last year?''</p>
<p>'' Yeah. I don't remember his name but nobody really likes him. He even pushed me once but never got in trouble for it! Talk about unfairness.'' Jenna blurts out, crossing her arms, still breathless.</p>
<p>'' How rude of him. "</p>
<p>Well, speaking of unfairness, the top food chain students aren't treating the lower any better. In fact, far worse. Jenna doesn't recognize that and turns a blind eye to anything wrong they do. I'm not surprised, she was always like that. The things you do to</p>
<p>Truth be told, the whole time I'm at this school - more than 2 years, I was turning a blind eye to jocks who also happen to be the biggest bullies. Their target? Kids who dressed and acted out of the norm. It is easier to look the other way than try to solve the conflict. The teachers don't react so why should I? Exactly that angers me. I wish for a better place yet do nothing to change it.</p>
<p>'' You have to tell me about yesterday though. What was all that about?'' she says, snapping me out of my trail of thoughts.</p>
<p>'' I had lunch with Devon and Zack and three other seniors and well... I made new guy friends.''</p>
<p>'' Time for you to find a boyfriend too aye,'' she nudges me.</p>
<p>'' Life doesn't revolve around boyfriends and sex, Jenna'' I roll my eyes at her smart remark.</p>
<p>She gives me a slap on the shoulder. '' I was just teasing girl! Forget it.''</p>
<p>''But speaking of boys, I need to tell you something, " my limbs start to shake.</p>
<p>'' Are you pregnant? Did you get rap-''</p>
<p>''No ! God, no!" my eyes widen. "It's just...You know how I haven't been in love with anyone for a long time?''</p>
<p>'' Yeah...'' she's intrigued in what I'm about to say.</p>
<p>My gaze goes from one side to the other, and I build the courage to speak through my teeth, '' I have a crush.''</p>
<p>'' No way! " she exclaims so loud that it makes some heads turn, then quiets down." Who is he? Tell me about him!''</p>
<p>Oh, the amount of times we'd laughed at him and his friends. What do I say,  '' I don't think that's a good idea...''</p>
<p>'' Why not? You've been acting strange lately. It's because of him right? Is he handsome? " I don't remember her being this curious since my last love interest which ended badly.</p>
<p>" Yeah, no, well to me, he is. He's not your type at all though.'' I throw my head back, holding back a smile. '' He has the prettiest blue eyes. "</p>
<p>"So you're dating and didn't tell me anything?" the tone of my best friend's voice sharply turns arrogant.</p>
<p>'' Calm down Jenna, it's not like that. We just sat by the same table yesterday. Haven't spoken to him yet. "</p>
<p>Her eyes squint at me, ''H-how long have you had feelings for him?''</p>
<p>'' Probably too long. 6 months or something now.''</p>
<p>'' I can't believe you! I can't believe my best friend of sever years hasn't told me about something so significant." Then with disgust in her voice she says," Even Devon knows by now for sure. I was the last to find out? "</p>
<p>'' Only she knows. " I cross my arms, sighing. She doesn't say a thing but her scrunched up face and half open mouth say it all. <em>You've betrayed me</em>.</p>
<p>"Can we change the subject now or are you going to stay mad at me for no reason whatsoever?'' I ask.</p>
<p>Jenna's face completely softens as she simply says bye to me and turns on her heel, stomping away. Her hips noticably sway side to side, making her denim skirt move. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Friday starts out normal. Nothing like the smell of fresh coffee and burnt toast at 6 am. I walk down the carpeted stairs, then press my bare feet into the ice-cold white tiles. Mom is in the entrance hall bending over, opening cabinets where we keep our outwear and shoes. She looks over at me for a moment.</p>
<p>" Have you seen my new pair of heels? I can't find them anywhere."</p>
<p>So no good morning? Are shoes more important than your daughter?</p>
<p>I shake my head at her question. "No, you know I don't wear heels."</p>
<p>"Ahh..'' she stands up, straightening her white blouse and black knee lenght skirt, then walks over to the dining room. Dad is already finishing his coffee and reading the newspaper. ''Darling do you know where my shoes are?"</p>
<p>On my way to the kitchen, I keep my face as uninterested as possible. But while I'm making my breakfast, my parents argue about where mom put her heels. At one point, dad asks her,</p>
<p>"Ask yourself, if you were a pair of shoes where would you be?" To which she replies with a forced laugh, "Good question,John."</p>
<p>Somebody's stiff hand is on my shoulder, causing me to jump up and almost drop the knife I was buttering my toast with. The male voice behind me chuckles.</p>
<p>"Mari how 'bout we take you to a pizza place to celebrate your first week of junior year. Just you, me and mom. Today."</p>
<p>Is it worth missing out on a good time with friends ? Nope.</p>
<p>I continue spreading the butter on my slice of bread. "I already have plans for today after school. I'm going bowling."</p>
<p>His hand slides off my shoulder and he throws his dishes into the sink, not breaking eye contact with my face. "Who are you going with young lady?"</p>
<p>I hate when he calls me that.</p>
<p>"This one Robyn girl, a friend of Jenna. And Robyn said she also invited some other people so I don't know who exactly- '' my trail of thoughts fades away as the dissapointed expression crawls on my dad.</p>
<p>"I know I know, I should spend more time with my parents but-"</p>
<p>A geniuine smile appears on his face. "You can go. Be back by midnight though"</p>
<p>" I'll make it up to you tomorrow I promise!" I give him a quick kiss on the cheek before getting to eat breakfast.</p>
<p>Considering my parents too strict per say, would be wrong. Hell, they always let me go to Jenna's crazy parties she's been throwing since 9th grade. I usually get back by midnight but everyone is fast asleep by then. I'm sure they wouldn't notice if I come home a bit later. Besides, mom has her head in paperwork and financial reports the whole day, even after coming home from school. That's the last thing that would bother her. It might have been different if I had a sibling.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>" Girl, what is up your ass this week? First you don't tell me about a crush you've been having on someone for literally half a year." Jenna sips on her drink,facing me, inside the closest McDonald's from our school, "Then you don't tell me about getting dresscoded again?"</p>
<p>I put my face into my hands, "I'm sorry it's just... I guess my mind is in another dimension." Little does she know it's always been in that dimension.</p>
<p>" I can tell. We always told each other everything and now it's much different. You know you can trust me right?" she asks in a serious tone that I haven't heard from her in a long time.</p>
<p>"Yeah I just don't feel like revealing everyone everything" I shrug.</p>
<p>Two guys around our age, maybe a year older, in white backwards hats and varsity jackets interrupt us. One of them is Tyler. He is in the school's football team. Jenna and I used to hang out at their game sometimes.</p>
<p>"Ladies, mind some company?" Tyler asks, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.</p>
<p>"Not at all, what's up?" Jenna moves her seat to make space for them and they both sit next to her in our booth. She has her way with them, </p>
<p>They reply with generic answers. Tyler, slighty amused, proudly exclaims, '' The weird Eric kid who wears Rammstain t-shirts straight up wanted to confront me. Dude he was all like why are you like this what did I do to you.''</p>
<p>Eric.</p>
<p>'' Yeah bro, like shut up no one likes you why are you here anyway'' the other guy adds.</p>
<p>I take a huge bite out of my hamburger to try to piss them off and talk with my mouth full. ''But what did you say to him?"</p>
<p>'' All he said was Rammstein sucks'' the guy who I don't know and hopefully will never see again, points his thumb at Tyler.</p>
<p>I keep my face straight and continue chewing, avoiding their gaze.</p>
<p>Jenna chats with them about things I couldn't care less about. As we're all finishing our fast food lunch, Tyler says "Anyway, you coming to our football game today?" obviously directed towards my best friend.</p>
<p>"Of course ! How could I miss all those hot sweaty dudes running after a ball for 2 hours!" Jenna says sarcastically, yet her eyes sparkle.</p>
<p>"Mari, you coming too?"</p>
<p>I swallow the lump that's been stuck in my throat since they decided to join us. "No I already have some other plans, sorry. "</p>
<p>"Aw man, what a shame. I was excited to have you there." Tyler fist bumps my shoulder but his face does a 180 from happy to mellow when I don't return the playful act.</p>
<p>"Cheer up dude I'll be in the audience mentally I promise. Just imagine me there shirtless, clapping for your team or something." I wink at him to lighten up the mood. Jenna shakes her head in denial but Tyler is taken aback from my words.</p>
<p>"Woo, strong words for a girl like you"</p>
<p>"You mean the girl who got dresscoded 2 times in a row this week for wearing revealing tops? Yeah right. That's soo unlike me. "</p>
<p>The drive back to school is more quiet than usual.I'm thankful to have friends with a drivers license, because I'm too much of a coward when it comes to driving and that shit.</p>
<p>Jenna's eyes gaze upon mine, trying to search for reason or an answer for my behavior. She won't ever get an answer from me. I request her to drop me off at the senior parking lot. It's closer to the south entrance and I'll get to my French class much quicker.</p>
<p>The first thing I spot after getting out is a tall figure in a black coat. Backwards cap with the red letter B on it. Black sunglasses. Eating lunch alone,leaning against a gray Honda. No one nearby. I slow down my straddle and head the other way.</p>
<p>'' Hey stranger " I approach him when I'm close enough.</p>
<p>'' Hey. ''</p>
<p>There is something about him. Something about the way he watches me, even though his eyes are hidden behind the dark oval sunglasses.</p>
<p>I'd be standing here in silence forever if I waited for him to say something more. '' We have met before,right?''</p>
<p>A quick nod goes to my direction.</p>
<p>'' Mind if I join you? ''</p>
<p>'' Yeah- I mean no- I don't mind. Shit sorry. You can join.'' he stumbles over his own words and quickly finishes whatever he was eating. His long fingers scrunch up the paper wrapping. It lands near my Mary Janes. Now as I'm standing a few inches from him, I feel so small compared to his lanky, tall, skinny frame. Despite being 5'7, I have to look up at him.</p>
<p>'' Your name is Dylan if I remember it correctly.'' I wrap my thin sweater closer around my body. The end-of-summer breeze makes me shiver.</p>
<p>The blonde boy nods again,averting his gaze from me.</p>
<p>'' I'm Mari.''</p>
<p>'' I know.''</p>
<p>'' Yeah I introduced myself before.''</p>
<p>Fuck, fuck, fuck why am I not coming up with something to talk about. Jesus, it's not even a big deal, if he doesn't like me he won't be the only one.</p>
<p>'' What's up'' the sound of car door closing makes me turn around. Eric exits the gray car. This whole time he was sitting there. Weird, I didn't hear any music playing.</p>
<p>'' Oh hey I didn't even see you, my bad.'' I apologize.</p>
<p>'' That's alright. How have you been?'' Ew small talk. He should know better than to talk about mundane things. I'm sure he's an interesting person.</p>
<p>'' Not too bad, could've been better. Had debate class, t'was absolutely boring. You?''</p>
<p>'' I went for a quick lunch with V here." he goes closer to us, nodding his head at Dylan when he says V," Had German before.''</p>
<p>Eric proceeds to light a cigarette and strays a bit further from us. Dude doesn't know how to inhale properly, he keeps the smoke in his mouth then exhales.</p>
<p>'' Are you always like this?'' I ask Dylan when Eric's a safe distance away from us.</p>
<p>'' Like what?'' Dylan's body is turned towards me now.</p>
<p>I can sense that he's getting a bit annoyed and impatient.</p>
<p>'' Not much of a talker, huh.''</p>
<p>''Guess you could say that.''</p>
<p>'' V, we better get going or we're gonna be late." Eric chugs the half-smoked cigarette down and shuffles his foot on it. Why the hell is he calling him that?</p>
<p>"Mari, your shoelaces are untied," he remarks casually. His comment makes me glance down at my feet. I'm not wearing shoes with laces.</p>
<p>I flip my middle finger at Eric, "Nice one, fucker.''</p>
<p>A sneaky "hahaha" laugh comes from his mouth as he heads towards the school.</p>
<p>'' Klebold! You comin' ?'' he yells out, halfway there.</p>
<p>''Yeah wait, man!'' Dylan yells back but doesn't move a limb.</p>
<p>'' I have to go too so...See you around.'' Only after I say that, he actually steps out.</p>
<p>'' See you, uh- Mari. ''</p>
<p>The rest of the night is spent bowling. Or in my case attempting to. The smell of floor polish cuts through my nostrils. Dimmed lights contrast with red neon lights plastered on walls around the alley. The shoes we have to wear have never been my favorite. Too bland, too boring, too everything I never want to be.</p>
<p>The people Robyn talked about inviting turned out to be some Monica girl I've never met before. Then Brooks who I only remember because he is the tallest person I've ever seen and Eric. Yes, that Eric. How he and Robyn know of each other is beyond me. It's like two worlds clashing. We have decided to team up girls versus boys and so far we are winning. That's only because of the two experienced girls who know how to properly throw the ball. Unlike me. Sure, I could ask Robyn to show me how to do it. I could also ask God for forgiveness. Neither of them are happening tonight.</p>
<p>I sit down on the nearest plastic chair. It would be pretty useless to keep standing there with nothing to do. I only went bowling once with my family and after one throw I decided that if it's not easy immediately, it's not worth my time. That place was crowded and a group of girls in the next lane laughed at me. It's quite nice that it isn't so full here. Muffled classic rock echoes through the place, some kids are screwing around in the next lane.</p>
<p>'' STRIKE!'' Brooks yells out and the score turns around. Now the guys are winning.</p>
<p>'' Damn good. '' Eric is impressed by his friend's throw. His gaze then focuses on me as if he forgot I was there all along. Seconds are like hours. His fists clench and his eyes narrow. He is killing me with that stare.</p>
<p>I get up from my seat. He doesn't look like he wants to be confronted. It's his turn now so he reaches for the bowling ball and is about to throw it.</p>
<p>''Okay, what did I do?'' my question makes him place the ball back where it was.</p>
<p>''What do you mean?'' now that we're standing face to face, we're approximately the same height. His jaw is clenched.</p>
<p>'' You look like you want to rip my head off.''</p>
<p>''Sorry, that's just how my face works.''</p>
<p>"What is up everyone's asses today?" I repeat Jenna's phrase she used on me earlier.</p>
<p>Eric then attempts to throw the ball again while mumbling "Brooks has a dick there."</p>
<p>I can't help but burst out laughing at his rude comment. It makes Brooks stare at him in disbelief. "Eric what the fuck. I'm literally behind you."</p>
<p>The ball rolls down the alley and hits 4 pins. " You're a bitch" Eric appears to not give a fuck about his friend. The tension between them grows thicker.</p>
<p>"Oh jesus fuck not this again." Brooks complains as if it was something he says to him on a regular bases.</p>
<p>"You're like little kids in men's bodies."</p>
<p>"And you dress like a whore."</p>
<p>I'm taken aback by Eric's sexism.</p>
<p>"Excuse me?" Just because I'm wearing a mini skirt doesn't mean I'm trying to look like one. </p>
<p>"I think you should be saying that to someone else. Brooks is a hoe." Now he can't help but crack up with me.</p>
<p>"What is up with you guys seriously." Brooks walks away with an exasperated sigh.</p>
<p>Robyn walks up to me and asks if I'm having a great time. Obviously I am, I already made one person laugh.</p>
<p>She looks past my shoulder,clearly ignoring me and a big smile creeps up on her face. " Oh Dyl is here!"</p>
<p>Dyl? As in Dylan Klebold?</p>
<p>"You know him?" I ask, unsure of whether she hears the question.</p>
<p>"Duh, we're friends." she walks away from me, going the same direction as Brooks, towards the entrance door. Eric follows.</p>
<p>All I manage to say is, '' Oh wow.''</p>
<p>An unexpected warmness fills my stomach. My breathing gets so shallow, I almost forget to breathe. Heat washes over my face. It's really him. Not only that,but Robyn stretches out her arms and gives him a hug,which he gladly returns.</p>
<p>This can't be what it looks like. Devon said he doesn't talk to girls. Please don't let him fall in love with someone else. God, Robyn has a much bigger chance of being with him. They've been friends for longer than I am with him. Oh wait, we're not even friends. No chance for me now. Less of a chance here, as I was left here standing alone. I better join the others.</p>
<p>Robyn asks him questions about where he'd been as he arrived later. His face doesn't show any hint of interest in talking to her. Still, he politely replies, " Had to help my mom with something, " and hangs his black duster on a hanger.</p>
<p>My blood boils, tickling me to do something to make him notice that I'm here too.</p>
<p>" Eric's dad had to help Brooks' mom with something. They were making hot dog in a bun."</p>
<p>I've never seen any of the people here so lost. And Eric so furious. "Shut up!"</p>
<p>Their expressions are priceless. You don't often see this many people visibly deciding whether to face palm themselves or laugh.</p>
<p>We play a couple more rounds until half of us are tired and the other half hungry. Dylan and I sit next to each other, eating. This might be the closest I've ever been to him. Robyn is not too happy with that but she's doing her best to appear unbothered.</p>
<p>" No way Marianna!" the familiar voice makes me stop chewing, "You're with... Those people?"</p>
<p>Dylan keeps is head down, as if he was in some sort of danger.</p>
<p>I turn around and ask "Any problem with that?"</p>
<p>It's a friend of Jenna, hand in hand with an athlete from our school. They must've just arrived. Dylan shifts in his seat. Robyn goes back to bowling, not wanting to join the argument.</p>
<p>"No. It's just strange." the petite girl in a Tommy Hilfiger t-shirt states.</p>
<p>"Strange how? We're having lots of fun."</p>
<p>" Jenna's gonna be pissed when she finds out about this."</p>
<p>What does that mean? Jenna won't stop being my best friend just because I hang out with people the jocks don't like. That would be a bizzare way to end our years old long friendship. It will be for the best if I ignore everyone's comments and finish my food.</p>
<p>Me and Dylan are alone now. Not wanting to bear with the painful silence again, I say, " We keep meeting a little too often. Coincidence? I think not. ''</p>
<p>'' Yeah not a coincidence. You're following me,'' his eyes never leave the table.The rudeness was not something I was expecting from a timid person like him.</p>
<p>'' Excuse me. It's not like I knew you were gonna be here too when I got invited.''</p>
<p>'' Sorry. "</p>
<p>" It's fine.'' I point at his Dig Your Own Hole t-shirt. ''You listen to Chemical Brothers? "</p>
<p>That kicks off a lenghty dialogue about music. At first he is timid, his sentences short and his voice shaky. In no time he is more at ease, leaning back in his chair, arms crossed. We discuss our favorite bands and genres.I give him some song recommendations as he does to me. We find out our common love for The Smashing Pumpkins. He brags about having all their albums,even their newest one that came out in June this year. I mention that I'd like to hear it sometime. He educates me on why techno is the best thing that's ever happened to music. I swallow every word he says, focusing on his lips with my glance. The butterflies in my stomach fade away the longer we talk, but, my hands are sweatier than ever.</p>
<p>I fumble with my digital watches. It's quarter past midnight.</p>
<p>" I have to go. I was supposed to be home 15 minutes ago," I say loud enough for everyone to hear. I leave Dylan alone by the table when I go to put on my light jacket.</p>
<p>"Fucking sucks not having a car sometimes," I sigh to myself.</p>
<p>" Can't you stay for a bit longer? I'll take you home." Robyn is displeased by my announcement, keeping her eyes on the heavy ball she's about to throw. </p>
<p>She wasn't paying attention to me the past two hours. Why does it matter that I'll go home on my own. Yes, it will take a couple hours but do I have a different choice? </p>
<p>Dylan, shooting side-glances my way, isn't joining the remaining group. Hey, he has a car.</p>
<p>Hesitantely he gets up from his seat and is coming towards me. Don't get your hopes up, Mari. Nope, too late. I'm an idiot for standing here watching him put on his duster. He takes out a cigarette box. Malboros. I'm not sure if it's the right time to ask him. Maybe there will never be a chance again. </p>
<p> Quiet as a mouse, I lean over to him, '' Could you take me home?'' </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. CH3// Sex and Candy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another chapter to make your Valentine's day better &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I wait for him to finish his cigarette in front of the building. The cold wind blows the smoke out of his mouth right to my face, despite standing a good amount of distance from him. I <em>love</em> that smell,yet I cough dramatically for shits and giggles. Then I chuckle at myself.</p><p>He looks rather indifferent and asks, " Do you smoke?" then takes another drag.</p><p>"No. My dad does. Should I start?"</p><p>"Don't. It's bad for your lungs," smoke comes out of his mouth.</p><p>"But you're doing it so why are you lecturing me?"</p><p>'' You asked.''</p><p>When he finishes the cigarette, I stand next to the passenger door, expecting him to open it for me. That doesn't seem to be happening. He ignores it flawlessly, sits in the drivers seat and starts the engine. Without hesitation I get inside as well and buckle up.The whiff of a manly,cold fragrance hits my nose, followed by a tobacco smell. On top of the dashboard is a medium sized KMFDM sticker. Dylan's hand reaches out to turn the car radio on. Rock music starts blasting.</p><p>I can't believe this is actually happening. I am in his car! Me, who thought I couldn't have a chance with him! Shit, this could still go wrong in so many ways. This is nothing compared to how far I got with my past love interests. Maybe for once in my life he won't be like that.</p><p>The drive feels like it's never-ending. Not that I mind it. It's hard to not notice his long,dexterous fingers placed on the steering wheel, tapping on it to the rhythm of the music. Dylan is so focused on the road ahead of us and doesn't bother looking over at me, not even for a short moment. But I mean hey, <em>he agreed to drive me home. </em>That's more than an accomplishment,atleast for me. But his inability to speak up first about something, anything, is bothering me. I'm an open book, he's a </p><p>'' You know you don't have to be so quiet with me.''</p><p>He takes his eyes off the road for once and gulps. '' You're not pranking me are you?''</p><p>My eyebrows shoot up at his question. Pranking?</p><p>'' What makes you think I'm like that?''</p><p>'' You hang out with...'' his gaze shifts from me to the road again '' people like Jenna Hughes.''</p><p>'' So hanging out with populars means I don't ever want to associate myself with anyone outside of that group? '' the question comes out of my mouth before I could think it through. It sounds more agressive than I intended to. This makes him tense up.</p><p>'' Uh I didn't mean it like that. It's a bit odd...''</p><p>As I'm about to snap back an impulsive remark, I'm forced to stop by a familiar tune playing on the radio station.</p><p>
  <em>Hanging round </em>
  <br/>
  <em>Downtown by myself and I had so much time </em>
  <br/>
  <em>To sit and think about myself</em>
</p><p>" Oh my god that's my favorite song!" I turn the volume up so high I'm certain it can be heard from the outside. Not that these Englewood citizens would care.</p><p>My head bobs to the melody and fingers tap on my thighs. By the time the chorus comes in, I'm  singing my heart out. Dylan looks animated to say the least, his eyes sparkling with enjoyment of the show I'm putting on next to him. A lopsided half smile appears on his face.</p><p>
  <em>Yeah mama this surely is a dream.</em>
</p><p>As we pass by the sign announcing we're in Littleton, he asks for the directions to my house.</p><p>I clap my hands together. " I have a better idea. Let's just drive around for a bit."</p><p>Perplexed, he asks, " Weren't you supposed to be home a while ago though?"</p><p>"I was supposed to be a boy too, y'know."</p><p>He lets out an audible laugh and follows along with my plan. Obviously he isn't in a hurry. Not when he's with me.</p><p>'' So... how was your day?'' I clutch the seatbelt wrapped across my body.</p><p>'' School sucked. I was looking forward to this evening.''</p><p>I throw a smile his direction.'' You did pretty good at bowling.''</p><p>Dyl nods. </p><p>I place my hand on his shoulder. It catches him off-guard, slightly alarmed.'' I'm not stalking you. Just thought you'd like to know.''</p><p>'' I was just joking about that.'' </p><p>I tilt my body towards him, trying to read a sign of relief on his face.</p><p>''Hey, I won't hurt you,'' underneath his black sunglasses, I see his eyes shift to the side. ''  You don't need to be so closed off.''</p><p>'' Alright.''</p><p>I sit back into a normal position. '' It's nice of you to drive me home. Don't get me wrong, nice is not an interesting thing to be. It surely helps but you don't need it to be a decent person.''</p><p>'' It's no problem.''</p><p>The insides of my cheeks sting as I bite them.'' What even is nice? A fucked up social construct built by religious rats to decide who is bad and who is good. If I do good things my whole life, then snap and hit somebody in the head with a shovel at 90, I'm still a good person.''</p><p>'' That's a fair point. It's very subjective. I wasn't trying to be nice too,so.''</p><p>'' In that case you were raised right,'' I throw my arms up in the air. '' Ah, the social construct again. You know what, forget I even said something. I'm full of shit.''</p><p>He chuckles. '' As you wish.''</p><p>I stick to the good old topic about music which he seems to enjoy talking about as much as I do. A long time passes before I decide it's time to go home. Like, actually go home. </p><p>He parks the car on a curb in front of my house. I unbuckle myself but linger in the carseat. His left leg bounces, probably out of stress. I already made him uncomfortable enough. It's for the best that I thank him for the fun ride home and get going.</p><p>The lights in the house are out except for one. On the first floor, where our living room is. Could my dad be possibly asleep there while the TV is on?</p><p>I watch Dylan drive away and only after his car dissapears in the darkness of the night, I get inside my house. Quiet and careful. With extra gentleness I take off my jacket and shoes. Fuck it. I jerk my foot against the wooden material of our front door. Bang.</p><p>Dad appears in the doorway with his pjamas on. He must have been waiting for me the whole time.</p><p>" Marianne, where have you been? It's 1:30 in the morning! " he does his best not to scream, my mom being fast asleep upstairs. My stomach twists in nervousness, and his unusual behavior. </p><p>"And who brought you home? "</p><p>I can't tell a dad like him about coming home late with a guy he doesn't know. His reaction to my past interests have been almost identical - first, getting angry at me, then getting angry at them. Probably too scared of his little daughter getting hurt just like she did the very first time. Dylan doesn't deserve that treatment from him. Why am I even thinking about this, we're not dating.</p><p>"I'm too tired to talk, let's discuss it tomorrow." I fake yawn and rub my eyes. With a confident posture I walk past him and upstairs, grinning to myself.</p><p> </p><p>One week passes by quicker than the blink of an eye. The day-after confrontation with my dad ended up better than I expected - I told him Jenna brought me home and that we were having a great time. Jenna didn't bring up the bowling with Robyn incident, probably for the sake of both of us. And Dylan, well, I have seen him a couple of times in the cafeteria with his friends and in the halls of Columbine with his head down. He never bothers to say hi or anything. However, I caught him glancing at me many times. That is just about how far our communication goes these days. I don't feel like initiating anything. I've done that many times already and he could have gotten the clue if he liked me back. But then again, what do I know about shy guys.</p><p>Jenna has been distant since she found out I was going bowling with her friend, without her. We aren't the kind of best friends who do everything together,so for that reason I can't wrap my head around it. It only makes less sense that she actually called me over to sit with jocks and their girlfriends at lunch today, when all week she's been acting off.</p><p>'' They were so expensive though!'' some blonde girl with perfectly straight hair and Jenna complain about their latest finds at the mall.</p><p>'' Ugh I know <em>girl </em>! ''</p><p>'' Mari, where did you get your skirt? It's beautiful!'' one of the girls sitting with us points at my black velvet maxiskirt.</p><p>'' Oh that's thrifted. It reminds me of my grandmother. In downtown Denver there's a little witchy store-'' my answer slows down when I don't see them paying attention to what I'm saying. Rather, they're staring off into the distance.</p><p>A guy, who is probably from Nathan Wilson's circle, stands up from the table where jocks always sit. He tells his other friends,'' It's time.'' They join him. Jenna seems to follow his every movement, her ice blue eyes glistening with liquid admiration.</p><p>In no time, they are by the table where Eric and Dylan are sitting, across the cafeteria. The guys with white hats surround them, blocking my view of the poor Dylan and his friends. This catches the attention of some of the students eating nearby.</p><p>"Why don't you two fags kiss? You guys are such sweethearts," Nathan taunts them, it can be audibly heard across the cafeteria.</p><p>People laugh out loud, unrestricted. The guffaws echo in the large space. Jenna and the other girls at our table aren't an exception.</p><p>The ketchup and tampons accident I had to watch sometime this year in January. I laughed too, and even joked about it with Jenna for atleast 2 weeks. Dylan, who at that time meant nothing to me, walking out of the commons, his frequently worn t-shirt had ketchup stains on it. Eric followed him, both boys had their heads dropped in embarassment. I saw Dylan in that same dirty t-shirt at the end of the school day. Jenna and I pointed at him, laughing. That month there was a rumor going around about both of the boys stealing something and being arrested. Or another one, of some student reporting them for having drugs in school. They were searched, but nothing was found.</p><p>And then, one beautiful day, the blissful peacefulness that came with realizing I have a crush on the same guy who was involved in all these things. I could never look at him the same way as before. God, that time when at the end of the previous school year I made eye contact with Dylan. Even if it was for a second, it was like entering heaven in slow motion to me.</p><p>A wave of doom washes over me. It makes my stomach drop. The food on my plate looks disgusting. My hands shake. My heart is pounding in my throat. I need to do something. Saysomething.</p><p>God, no, I can't risk losing my long time friends because of <em>nerds</em>. Where's the fairness in that! Losing friends for helping someone I love. It doesn't work the other way at Columbine - you <span class="u">do not</span> go against jocks because if you do, boom, you might be their next victim.</p><p>Nathan and his boys leave them alone and go back to their tables to finish their lunch. He crosses his arms over his stomach in an attempt to catch his breath.  Other people at our table and the ones around praise and cheer for him.</p><p>Jenna dumbly smiles at Nathan as if he's the most beautiful person on earth. Then she takes a note of my dead-serious face. "Mari, what's wrong? Was that not funny?" she mocks me.</p><p>I force a laugh, then get serious. " My idea of <em>funny</em> must have changed."</p><p>"Oh <em>girl</em> ease up for Christ's sake! Are you on your period?" A stupid question doesn't need an answer.</p><p>This is not really happening here. Mari, you bet your <em>life</em> it is. Right in front of my eyes.</p><p>The longest lunch break of my life is coming to an end. I don't know how I'll forgive myself for not standing up for them this time. The new batch of football knuckleheads might be smaller and less intimidating than last year, but until they all leave, there will be no peace among students.</p><p>Right before the start of the last class,I storm into the girls bathroom. Ashamed, tense shoulders. The need to cry is getting stronger and stronger everytime I inhale and exhale. My good friend is standing there in front of the mirror, fixing up her hair. </p><p>"Devon I'm such an idiot! " I huff out. Before I realize it, my vision clouds with the salty fluid. I let out a sob.</p><p>" Mari..." she immediatly wraps her arm around me, soothing my back with a worried expression.</p><p>Very well aware that there are people here listening to us, I utter " What happened in the cafeteria was my fault. "</p><p>" Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong,did you?"</p><p>"Well I did nothing, that's the issue!" a salty tear wets my left cheek. " I have... I have the power to stop it and tell them off and scream at everyone to stop laughin-"</p><p>"Forgive yourself. You can't please everyone alright? This happens to them all the time they're so used to it. Nobody can do anything."</p><p>I'm so helpless. Hands still trembling. I hate feeling so many things at once. My hands are trembling. If Devon wasn't holding me I would collapse to the ground, my knees weak, no strenght to keep going.</p><p>"And that's why it hurts so much! I haven't spoken to..." I examine the room, now even more aware of the fact that there are other people here with us, " <em>him</em> since last week,he must think I hate him."</p><p>" He for sure does not." Dev reassures me. "He told me about the bowling situation. He was beaming with joy when he told me he drove you home. I haven't seen him like that in a long time, if ever."</p><p>" That doesn't mean anything now."</p><p> How could it? He probably expected me to do something right then and there, and I didn't. I failed him.</p><p>"Ohh I know what will cheer you up." a secure smile appears on her lips, and she holds both of my hands in hers. They're lukewarm and wet, as if they were just washed now.</p><p>" McDonald's after school? No thank you, my mom is making delicious lasagna for dinner."</p><p>"That's not what I meant."</p><p>A lump gets stuck in my neck. This won't end well. The bell rings, signaling us to go to class.</p><p>She grabs the fabric of my yellow t-shirt.'' I'm going over to Zack's right after school. Join us.''</p><p>Running out of the restroom as brisk as possible, Devon follows me, both seperating to different directions. </p><p> </p><p>They really waited for me. What good friends I have. Nope, nope don't look that way. Devon and Zack are being all lovey-dovey in his car.</p><p>"Can't you guys get a room? Geez!" It isn't much fun sitting in the backseat alone. And it's even worse when there are two lovebirds right in front of you. Both of which are friends of the two people who now despise me. Hell,these two might turn against me, what do I know.</p><p>An older couple, who I assume to be Zack's parents, greet me as I enter their home for the first time. We make our way up to his room. Through the other door in the hallway,I hear girly voices. He mentioned having 3 sisters. Maybe they're dead and it's the voices of their ghosts. Mari, you deserve a slap.</p><p> Devon, unsurprisingly , sits on Zack's bed. She gets herself comfortable quickly. It's obvious she's not here the first time. They fucked on this bed and now I'm sitting here too. The simple wonders of everyday life. That could easily be the name of some book.</p><p>Zack plops down on a makeshift seat in front of his bed, turning on the small boxy TV on a table. The Simpsons are on.</p><p>I shift closer to Devon to make sure her boyfriend doesn't hear me. " I want to know everything Dylan has ever told you about me."</p><p>"He didn't say much cause that's just how he is."</p><p>I slap my thighs. '' But you know something for sure! ''</p><p>'' I can only tell that from the way he gazes at you..." she tucks a piece of hair behind her ear, " he might be interested.'' Her genuine grin makes me squeal in excitement.</p><p>Zack gives us his full attention and gestures at the television. ''Can you turn it down? I'm trying to watch something.''</p><p>'' Sorry Mr. Heckler,'' I say, no longer smiling.</p><p>'' You're forgiven, " and he goes back to doing his thing.</p><p>I squeal at my thoughts of him.'' He is the cutest thing to ever walk this earth. I seriously dream about him every night!''</p><p>Devon gets all serious, her grin fading away, and puts her hand on her forehead. '' Oh my god, bear I hope Eric won't be at Dylan's party. ''</p><p>His what? </p><p>Zack shakes his head. '' Nah he said he would be working all evening.''</p><p>'' Why do you hate Eric so much?'' I push myself into their conversation.</p><p>Devon sighs, '' I don't hate him - I don't hate people, you know that. I prefer to avoid him because he's..well.. Zack could explain it better. Zacky? ''</p><p>'' Yeah?'' his hand travels up to Devon's without even looking at her.</p><p>'' Mari wants to know what type of person Eric is. ''</p><p>'' Other than disliking Devon herself and excluding me from his friendship with Dylan, he is actually a kind hearted gentleman. Very softspoken may I add.''</p><p>Devon slaps his hand away. '' Not funny! Seriously..''</p><p>'' He excluded you? '' I ask Zack.</p><p>Despite his girlfriend's protests, he rubs her arm. '' After we got together. He seemed pretty pissed about the fact that I started to spend less time with the guys.''</p><p>'' Maybe he was just jealous, '' I imagine myself in Eric's position. It wouldn't be pleasant for me either.</p><p>''Eric? Jealous? Haha." He scoffs, "He doesn't show any emotions- except for anger.'' He turns off the tv and sits up on the bed next to Dev, '' Dylan took it much better and even became friends with my girlfriend. ''</p><p>'' I hope you didn't tell Dylan that I'm going after him .'' I punch his arm. After all, they are best buds.</p><p>He swiftly waves his hand '' Nah who do you think I am? The male gossiper Brooks Brown?''</p><p>'' I went bowling with Brooks, he looks very harmless'' I shrug.</p><p>'' Take my advice - don't ever tell him anything ,and especially not about your lover boy. They've known each other since childhood so I wouldn't recommend it under any circumstances.'' Zack wraps his arm around his girlfriend's waist. They would've been having sex if I wasn't here right now. Too bad.</p><p>'' I don't recommend telling Eric anything either. He might kick your ass or blackmail you.'' Devon warns me, like she's speaking from experience.</p><p>'' I saw Eric in the halls the previous years and he always looked really fucking mad at something. '' I think back at the memories of him.</p><p>'' Oh he loves to intimidate and frighten people. He would walk through the school wearing camoflague and black and just scrowling.'' Devon imitates his expression.</p><p>'' That's how I remember him!'' I support my chin with my hand, '' Dylan seems to be more calm.''</p><p>'' He absolutely is. Just a shy and sweet kiddo.''</p><p>'' Now, tell me,because I can't talk about this to Jenna, do you think I have a," I pause because Zack is listening. Whatever, " A chance with him?''</p><p>Dev ponders for a moment and looks to the side. '' Honestly? Yes, yes you do. ''</p><p>'' Is that all you have to say about it?'' I'm unimpressed by her conclusion.</p><p>'' You didn't specify whether you wanted the short or the long version !''</p><p>'' I want the long,duh?''</p><p>Zack is now the one who snickers and rolls his eyes when Devon keeps on explaining.</p><p>'' Okay so, I think there's a big chance because you're more persuasive and active which is something he needs. He's a big people pleaser.''</p><p>The phone ringing eases up the otherwise tense atmosphere.</p><p>Zack walks over to pick it up. '' Who could that be...''</p><p>'' Take a wild guess,'' his girlfriend turns her head towards me.</p><p>'' Dylan! It's Dylan! Oh my god.'' I panic and tap my feet on the floor out of nervousness.</p><p>'' Hey man what's up? Oh. She's here, hold on.'' Zack holds the phone away from his ear and covers it with the palm of his hand. '' Baby you got a secret admirer. '' He hands Dev the phone just when I go to reach for it.</p><p>'' That's Dylan. Stop calling him my <em>secret admirer</em>.'' Dev walks over to the phone and starts talking to the person on the other side of the line.</p><p>My chest puffs up as I stand up from Zack's bed. '' Yeah don't do that Heckler. You wanna fight huh?'' His expression changes from serious to amused as hell. '' Come on let's fight. Hit me like a man.'' I get on my toes to be atleast somewhat close to his height and my hands curl into fists. </p><p>The tall, chubby boy repeats my actions. '' Do it first. I dare you woman.''</p><p>Without hesitation my fist meets his abdomen. '' Ouch holy shit!'' He puts a hand over his stomach.</p><p>Devon laughs at our interaction, still on the phone. I hear only some parts of their conversation. '' Oh Mari is over. Her and Zack are fighting.'' Then her voice raises, '' Stop it you two!''</p><p>That only hypes me up more. Zack pretends to be dead,laying on the floor. I climb on his bed and jump down,</p><p>'' TOUCHDOWN!''</p><p>I land flat on his stomach. My organs are floating like they're in space. My body feels heavy. He groans in pain with a scrunched-up-painful-face , immediately pushing me away.'' You fucking destroyed my organs, happy now? ''</p><p>'' Yes.'' I gather myself off the floor and smooth out my clothes. Devon had to cover one ear with her palm otherwise she wouldn't hear Dylan. I take it as an opportunity. </p><p>Forcefully grabbing onto the plastic phone, to get it away from her ear, I agressively scream into it , '' I heard you got some beef with me dawg huh!! Fight me bitch. '' Devon lets out an annoyed sigh and shakes her head. She takes the phone back. </p><p>'' Sorry that's - Mari is a bit deranged right now,'' she explains. '' I'll call later. Alright alright. Zack, Dyl wants to talk.''</p><p>I cover my mouth dramatically.'' Oh uh marriage problems''</p><p>'' <em>Oh uh</em> no.'' Zack is holding his stomach as he walks over to continue the call.</p><p>His girlfriend grabs me by my arm and pushes me onto the bed. A wild grin on her face.</p><p>"You're coming with us to Dylan's birthday party. Next friday." </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. CH4// It Was A Teenage Wedding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>September 11th, 1998</b>
</p><p>'' Why did I agree to do this oh my fucking god,'' I bitch and moan the whole ride,cheek pressed up against the window. My feet keep shuffling. Devon, sitting next to me in the backseat, giggles in response. </p><p>The car driven by Zack takes us up a long,crooked driveway.</p><p>My heart is throbbing in my ears loud and clear. The fear-clouded mess that is my mind can no longer be controlled. A turmoil of panic and urge to run away becomes a subconscious programme that runs through my veins.</p><p>'' You look so pretty, doll!'' Devon smiles. '' Dylan's gonna love it.'' </p><p>If his and her definition of pretty is a bunch of necklaces around my neck, the most basic short dress I found at the bottom of my closet and my everyday shoes then I'm lucky to have found my type of people.</p><p>'' Don't tell me this is the plan you said you'd set up.''</p><p>She nods happily.</p><p>'' That's fucking crazy! I'd feel like an idiot if someone who was crushing on me and wasn't even my friend came to wish me a happy birthday. ''</p><p>Dev rolls her eyes and sighs in annoyance. '' But you would enjoy it anyway without any questions and befriend them straight away. I know you well enough.'' </p><p>She has a point there. Between our mindless chatter and Zack's stupid jokes, I notice the environment around me.</p><p>Orange canyons blending in with the evening sky fold out in front of my eyes. Some smaller, some bigger, all astounding. Jagged outlines of pine trees bring some green into the view.</p><p>I can't believe I'm actually gonna have a chance to talk to him after a long time. Holy shit. </p><p>"Does he know about this?" I ask as we get closer to a huge house up on the hill.</p><p>"Yea yea he does don't worry." Zack chuckles.</p><p>" How am I supposed to not worry?"</p><p>"Sit back, relax, enjoy the show," he looks up at the rear-view mirror to watch my reaction.</p><p>"Dev please say something before I get an anxiety attack. I am screaming internally. My organs are screaming. Organmestra."</p><p>Zack smirks, '' You mean orchestra.'' </p><p>Devon fumbles with her small bag. '' Have you seen the card we made for him? Look !'' and hands a homemade card to me.</p><p>The front cover is decorated with a drawing of the front view of a BMW. I assume it's supposed to look like Dylan's. Two fired guns and bullets underneath that. Happy 17th b-day dyLan written in big letters .</p><p>I flip it to the other side. Devon wrote,</p><p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>
    <em>little Q.T. (quality time), </em>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>a little </em> <em>Zack, a little Mari and a little you,</em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <em> and a little me.</em>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>Happy birthday my </em> <em>very fan-tastic </em> <em>friend.</em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <em>hehehe.</em>
  </p>
</div><p><br/>'' You put my name on there without my permission?''</p><p>''Just trust me alright? You would chicken out if I asked you to do it,'' she grabs the card from my hands.</p><p>Standing outside, the house - or rather, mansion, appears even bigger than it did when we were going up here. A stunning outcropping of red rocks tucks the house under, and an ocean of trees surround it. It has huge picturesque windows and yet the light wood panneling makes it look cosy. One can only dream of spending their evenings admiring the night sky. Sitting by one of the windows with a fireplace burning to set the mood would be ideal.</p><p>Before Zack could knock on the front door a second time, an older woman with light brown hair comes out. She's gripping a dishcloth. That must be Dylan's mother. They sure do look alike. I hide behind Zack to make myself less noticable. Devon greets her first,followed by her boyfriend. The woman appears very friendly and not surprised with who she sees at first. </p><p>She takes a step back to allow us to come inside. "Dyl, your friends are here!"</p><p>I'm already overwhelmed by the spacious interior surrounding me, unusually high ceiling and a view to kill for. The rustic style makes it almost feel like a cottage. Pictures are hung up here and there, as well as paintings.</p><p>Down the dark oak stairs bounces my crush. He's wearing jeans that look baggy on his legs but aren't supposed to and a worn out grey t-shirt. It's a bit unusual seeing him without his baseball hat.</p><p>" Happy birthday!" Devon and Zack yell out together. </p><p>A cheeky grin appears on his face, scrunching up his nose. So adorable.</p><p>" Happy birthday," my broken voice cuts through the otherwise quiet hall. Only now does his mother notice my presence.</p><p>"Uh thanks." Dylan jams his hands in the pockets of his pants, cheeks red, awestruck by my unexpected visit.</p><p>His mom walks out of the kitchen with a handful of snacks, "And who is this pretty girl?"</p><p>I hold out my right hand for her to shake. "I'm Mari. Devon's good friend."</p><p>"<em>Bestest</em> friend," Devon adds. </p><p>"I'm so pleased to meet you sweetheart. I've heard some things about you." </p><p>No way. I mask my astonishment with a small smile, "Only the good ones I hope."</p><p>And she walks off to place the snacks on a coffee table in their living room.<br/>Devon gives Dyl the homemade card. He analyzes it, holding it tenderly in his extra long fingers.</p><p>'' Uh thanks.'' Not for once does he look at me. For sure still mad about the fact that I didn't stand up for him. I find myself stuck to the floor.</p><p>We move into the spacious living room, a fireplace heating it up. Exactly as I imagined. The sound of wood crackling and breaking is the only one that can be heard. I take my seat, along with the rest, on their beige couch matching the light wood covered walls. It contrasts our living room, painted a boring white with black furniture. A bunch of pillows lay in the corner, now squashed by Zack pressing his back against them. Devon sits very close to him, leaving an awkward space between us, at the end of the couch. Dylan fiddles with the hem of his shirt and snaps his fingers to an unknown beat. He's looking for somewhere to settle down.</p><p>Mrs. Klebold exits the room with the words '' There's somebody at the door! How did I not see him.''</p><p>The creacking door makes me curious for a moment.</p><p>A deep male voice is coming from the entrance. " Sup Dylan, I heard you got a cool new fridge so I gotcha somethin'. " Nate, holding a big bucket of KFC chicken wings,says then greets us.</p><p>"Jesus, it will take like 10 minutes to eat this! Thanks man." Dylan takes the bucket and him admitting his huge appetite makes everyone in the room laugh.</p><p>'' Hey what about us. What about me'' Zack steps in.</p><p>''You can have all the snacks you see here.'' I gesture at the cookies,twizzlers,candy and chips on the table. The whole time they're laying almost untouched in front of us.</p><p>Nate asks about Eric and Dylan informs him about the unfortunate working situation. Somehow, everybody is relieved that he's not here. Then Nate sugguests we go to Dylan's room. Devon and I take care of the snacks and carry them upstairs. Dylan goes first, the bucket of chicken in one hand, and holds the door open for us. He tells us to put them on his desk. </p><p>I scan the white and black room. Posters hang on the walls, but it is not what you'd expect from a typical teenage boy room. Definitely more organized and less smelly. A small fridge on the ground. One poster in particular catches my eye - Marilyn Manson.</p><p>'' That's nice. I like his music.'' I say to Dylan,who is standing behind me with a hunched posture and crossed arms.</p><p>'' Yeah you told me, " he remembers." I like it as well. The sound specifically,not the lyrics.''</p><p> I land on another poster of a busty woman in leopard bikini.</p><p>'' What in the fucking fuck my dude, '' I turn to look at his reaction and it sure is priceless. He avoids looking at me, his hand running through his golden hair. Red tint colors his cheeks.</p><p>The boys settle down and play some video game involving guns and shooting monsters. That might be their favorite type of game, they're so into it. Devon and I get left out of the whole shabang, so we pass time talking and gushing over our love interests.</p><p>She points out at how they are absorbed into game, losing touch with reality.</p><p>I snap my finger a couple times to get their attention. Nothing. " They're totally ignoring us!"</p><p>"So adorable," Devon says the last word loud enough for them to hear.</p><p>Nate hands us his controller. " Ladies, wanna try?"</p><p>I grab it without hesitation. "Sure why not. I never played this game though so you have to teach me." I plop down on the floor and scoot a bit further from the guys.</p><p>"Dylan can teach you," Zack blurts out. This causes the boys to laugh, except for Dyl.</p><p>I agree and reach into my bag. "But before that..." I show everyone the bottle of Vodka I brought with me. A party without flask is like milk without cereal. Or not.</p><p>I kiss the bottle. '' This is holy water. Where would humanity be without alcohol?''</p><p>The bottle passes in a circle among us. Most of us, even Zack who's driving, take a few swings. He says it won't affect his driving skills. Devon scolds him for it. She doesn't take a single shot. Straight edge. It would take half a bottle for me to get drunk but since I only gulp down twice, it doesn't do much.</p><p>Against my arm I feel slight friction. Dylan sits next to me, and I lean to him to give him access to the controller.</p><p>He touches each button. " Okay so you jump with this, move with this, shoot with this. It's easy. Got it?" he says in a low tone, as if only I was meant to hear it. I don't get it right away, so I ask him to show it again. With much patience and care, he repeats it.</p><p>The first few times I get killed in an instant. To save the day, Nate and Dylan are skillful enough to guide me through several levels without fail. Devon tries a couple rounds too, with the help of her boyfriend,telling her which button to press.</p><p>"Dayum, good thing this ain't multiplayer. They would of killed us all, " comes from one of the boy's mouths.</p><p>Watching Devon in the midst of gunning down a monster, I say " Shut your mouth I'm a gentle innocent little flower!"</p><p>" They're jealous we're playing it for the first time and already killing it," she sticks her tounge out at her boyfriend.</p><p>'' Eric's here'' Nate announces. He must have come on tip toes, I didn't hear anyone entering the room. Then again, my attention span is short as fuck.</p><p>Eric sees what we're doing. '' The party already started, I see. ''</p><p>Annoyed as heck(ler), Zack says '' Thought you were working til 9.''</p><p>'' It's 9:20 dude''</p><p>Dylan switches to a different game after a while , involving fighting. It's for two players.</p><p>'' Ohhh, I wanna play against Eric.'' I clap my hands like a little kid. '' I will kick your ass, trust me. ''</p><p>'' You're funny, '' his eyes never leave my face as he takes the other controller to play against me.</p><p>I stick my middle finger up. '' My face is funny.'' As I realize what I just said, I cover my mouth. </p><p>I get the hang of the game after a while and end up winning more times than him.</p><p>'' FUCK !'' he's unsatisfied with how it's turning out. He grabs the controller out of my grip and smashes every button at once.</p><p>'' Not fair you idiot! '' I yell at him, startling others in the room.</p><p>'' Oh it is absolutely fair. Stupid brainless zombie. Begging to be killed. '' Smash. My character dies.His aggressiveness makes me bury my face into my hands. My head feels as if it's filled with air.</p><p>"Reb could you calm down?" Dylan bursts out from the other side of the room and his friend obeys.</p><p>This is too much even for a person like me. I distance myself from Eric, craving alone time atleast for 5 minutes. Alone with the guy who's standing by his desk. His hands entertaied, eating snacks and shuffling through his CD collection. Of course.</p><p>He aknowledges me,but continues doing what he's doing.</p><p>Now is my time to apologize. I could never get a chance again. No. I can't do it. What do I say, "<em>I'm sorry for being like the rest of them. I swear I wanted to step in but my fear of being rejected by the clique I'm in was stronger</em>?" That'd be a real asshole move, and another reason for him to not want anything to do with me.</p><p>'' You have a decent collection of CDs.'' I say.</p><p>His face, hard to read and even harder to find out what he's thinking, stays straight. '' You can play something if you want.''</p><p>I pick out a Pulp Fiction soundtrack and insert the disk into his stereo.'' Let's play some music guys!''</p><p>'' Good choice.'' Dyl admits. The boys and I discuss why it is and isn't the best Tarantino movie while the soundtrack is playing.</p><p>The main part of Bullwinkle pt. II begins rocking out. I'm already circling my Hips above Devon's lap, maintaining strong eye contact. We're both crying of laughter like there's no tomorrow. It catches the guys' attention. My lapdance is now more interesting to them than a stupid video game.</p><p>'' You seducing my girlfriend?'' Zack can't stand it anymore.</p><p>"Mmm maybe."</p><p>'' And she's doing it better than you ever could.'' Devon winks at him.</p><p>But Zack doesn't give up. '' Go seduce Eric. Or Dylan.''</p><p>'' Go be stupid somewhere that's away from me'' I stop moving.</p><p>Eric crosses his arms on his chest, the slightest furrow in his brows. '' If he wanted a stripper he would have called one on his own.''</p><p>Tough words for a scrawny dude. </p><p>'' A stripper? That's so shallow. What about a magician?'' I lash out on him, all serious.</p><p>Nate looks at Dylan, then at me. '' You really are something.''</p><p>'' See guys I told you she's cool," Devon tries to laugh about the situation. It doesn't help. Zack doesn't look happy about it and the short dude is about to start throwing hands.</p><p>"Cool? More like fucking rude." Eric spits out, getting closer to Dev.</p><p>'' Hey V," he draws attention to my awkwardly standing crush, "you heard what she told Brooks? She said he's a whore." Too bad, he gets no reaction out of him.</p><p>The nickname V makes no sense. Does it stand for vagina or virgin or vampire? Or his middle name might start with it. </p><p>'' What's with the V letter?''</p><p>'' It's a nickname he got for chugging down a bottle of vodka in 15 minutes.'' Nate chuckle at the memory.</p><p>Everyone manages to calm their anger with the last drops of the alcoholic drink I provided. Soon enough, the famous Chuck Berry song begins playing.I regain my energy once again.</p><p> '' That's the dance scene song!'' My weak arms try to pull the guys up to stand on their feet. '' Come on lazy asses get up!'' Zack and Dylan disagree right away.</p><p>It wouldn't be Harris if he didn't have a smart remark to everything I do. '' Hell no that's gay.''</p><p>''It's fun,'' I correct his stupid opinion. </p><p>'' C'mon Nate please dance with me '' He isn't opposing and in fact, his face lights up. I have found the extrovert of this friend group.</p><p>Nate takes the position of Vincent and I take the position of Mia. Both of us twist and shuffle our legs on the slippery floor. A few hand movements follow, but I sure look stupid as I don't remember them too well. My foot slips. Nate catches me in time and the dance continues. We manage to get an applause at the end of our performance and we bow down to our little audience. I struggle to catch my breath,for sure looking like a sweaty mess.</p><p>'' Hello Mrs. Klebold. These people are having a dance party as you can see.'' Eric says to Dylan's mom, who's now standing in the doorway.</p><p>'' I'm glad you're having fun but could you please turn it down? Dylan's dad is working.'' </p><p>Dylan nods and turns the volume down. '' Whoopsie.''</p><p>But that doesn't stop the party. I get almost everyone to dance, either alone or with someone, even Dylan. Eric keeps playing those boring games. I dance with Nate the most, Devon with Zack and Dyl is just there trying to fit in. Nate offers to 'borrow me to Dylan' for the last song. Might be out of pure pity for his lonely friend.</p><p>''You're more dissapointing than an unsalted pretzel. Is this the best you can do, birthday boy?'' I judge Dyl's lazy movements - self-conscious stepping side to side.</p><p>'' Uhh, I don't dance.''</p><p>'' Let's get you to move more!'' I grab his hands and start jumping up and down, not long until he joins me. The first time I've ever felt his skin on mine. He looks unsure and every once in a while side-eyes Eric as if he was looking for reassurance from him. Nevertheless, he's doing it for me. We resemble children on the playground - a blissful joy and an empty mind. Something different from the way he looks everyday. More emotion in his face. I pray to the heaven that this moment lasts forever.</p><p>He gazes down upon me, our moves now slowing down as we're exhausted. Kiss me you idiot. Wait, why would he do that. He dislikes me. Even though he danced with me? Yes Mari, even though he danced with you. He probably does that... With Robyn or someone else.</p><p>" I'm sorry for what happened to you, at school." I glance down at our hands still entwined. As soon as it becomes too much for him to handle, he lets go.</p><p>"What exactly do you mean?"</p><p>I look over my shoulder. The rest of his guests are entertained, no one close enough to listen to us.</p><p>" Nathan called you and Eric gay. In the commons I mean."</p><p>"Oh, that. That's nothing. It happens a lot," he shrugs.</p><p>" Woah, you talk about it as if it's a normal thing. I was never bullied but one time a teacher made fun of me for an entire year because I-"</p><p>Dylan's unable to keep looking at me, so he focuses on the floor.</p><p>" You're mad. I knew it," a hole that's growing in my chest is getting bigger. </p><p>My assumption makes him speak up," Why would I be mad? I'm not. Can we not talk about it? "</p><p>Yep, he hates me.I join Devon playing solitare with Zack for the rest of the evening. He picks up on the topic of our high school, and Eric seems furious talking about it. Red face, spitting while ranting kind of furious. Everyone has some shitty experiences to share and we all agree that the school should die. I can tell they don't reveal everything that's on their heart and mind. I'm still one of those at the end of the day. And boy, do they hate jocks and stuck-ups.</p><p>A couple arguments, discussions about the shitty school system happen. Another bottle of Vodka found in Dyl's room later, Devon's dragging me out of the house. I kick my legs and move my arms around in response. My efforts of trying to free myself from her grip aren't working.</p><p>'' Mari we're going home! We're taking you home now! Calm. Down!''</p><p>I extend my arm towards Nate. '' No mom I want to stay with my dance partner!''</p><p>'' Maybe next time honey. We have to go!''</p><p>Devon's grip looses and she lets me say goodbye to the boys,all standing outside. '' You were a great dance partner tonight, thank you.'' I throw my arms around Nate.</p><p> He returns the action.'' Til we dance together again next time.''</p><p>I turn to Dylan, who is standing in the shadow behind his two friends. '' Oh and, I can't forget this'' I get on my toes to try and hug Dylan, but his hands don't go around me. Rejected. Mari, I'm betting 50 bucks that Eric will hug me.</p><p>I bow before him. '' Goodbye good sir, it was a pleasure to roast you again.'' And I open my arms to embrace him. No succes. He puts his hands in front of him before I get close enough. 50 bucks lost, good job Mari. Thank you Mari.</p><p>'' Devon take her home already,jesus.''</p><p>For the pure shock value, I run to Devon and hug her from behind. This makes the guys laugh our loud</p><p>Zack is waiting for us in his car, ready to take us home. One more wave from the car window and we're off to go. Dev sits beside me in the backseat once again, to make sure I don't 'open the door and run after Nate'.</p><p>'' Did you have fun?'' Devon slaps my thigh.</p><p>I flip my chestnut brown hair from side to side. Only now I realize how sweaty I am.'' Oh my god,much more than fun. That was amazing.''</p><p>'' I told ya!''</p><p>'' I have to invite Dylan for my birthday next month. And you too Devon.'' I think out loud.</p><p>'' What about me? '' Zack steals our attention.</p><p>'' Jenna will be there.'' </p><p>Well, I'm not too sure. Her being distant never means anything positive. At this point I see no evidence of anyone coming to my party. Everyone seems to have turned their back towards me. No way, she might forget about it by then.</p><p>Zack's nose scrunches up. '' Oh nevermind. But don't tell Dylan about it because he won't come. ''</p><p>'' Yeah I had a couple of my friends over at my lutheran confirmation party and he didn't come simply because he doesn't like them. He gave me a present before it started though. And a pretty hilarious card. '' Devon informs me.</p><p>I put my hands on both sides of my face. '' And that's the thing I don't get. He doesn't mind talking to me even though I'm one of them,you know. Even drove me home which wouldn't have happened if he didn't like me.'' Meanwhile the last sentence is sci-fi to me. He did it out of pity. He felt pressured to.</p><p>'' Guess you've proven to him that you're not like one of <em>them</em>. He seemed alright. A little surprised but definitely not annoyed with you showing up uninvited so...''</p><p>Dev's boyfriend cleans his throat. '' Women, you read too much into it. Dylan is ecstatic he got treated decently by a chick that's out of his league.</p><p>''Out of his league? Oh please why do you and your friends make such a big deal out of it. Jenna was like you before she started talking to what Eric calls zombies and dragged me along. But there are no rules such as <em>oh don't talk to the weirdos or you'll get kicked out</em>, '' I fail to remain calm while explaining.</p><p>'' That is true but they don't ever directly tell you that. When you get fucked over you'll just know. No warnings.'' Zack on the other hand, way too chill.</p><p>'' I'd rather live with the fact that I helped someone over being friends with a bunch of athletes and hot girls.''</p><p>God I shouldn't have said that. I'm a walking paradox.</p><p>'' Oh yeah? Then how come you didn't stand up for Eric and Dylan when they were getting harrassed? ''</p><p>'' Zack leave her alone you don't understand it! '' Devon jumps in.</p><p>'' No I can answer that. I didn't want to fuck up my reputation.'' I speak before I can think twice.</p><p>Zack snaps his finger. ''See? That's what I'm talking about! The unspoken rule of you stand up against jocks - you're out.''</p><p>And he's right. I hate that he's right but I hate myself for not doing anything more.The need to do something - anything - to get Dylan to atleast like me is eating up my energy.</p><p>--------</p><p><em> I am ready to be w. Mari. The ups &amp; downs of fate are forever, good &amp; bad, equal. me.  the lost highway, &amp; downward spiral never end. existence is like infinity times itself. ∞ ∞ I have passed thru this much of the ever existence. this is almost a checkpoint. The zombies have set their place in my mind. for the cliff theory, Ive jumped off w. Mari &amp; we've floated away to the halcyon. the zombies will pay for their being, their nature. I know everything, yet I know nothing. I am a true god. my infinite memories, thoughts ,perceivations of purity come a lot more w. her, there is </em><em><span class="u">pure</span></em> <em><span class="u">pure</span></em><em> hapiness -- the purpose of </em><em><span class="u">our</span></em><em> existence. I hate, love things. hate everything, love me &amp; Mari. I understand that i can never ever be a zombie, even if i wanted to. the nature of my entity.. Soon we will live in the halcyons of our minds, the one thing that made me a god. Things are so simple, now that they are infinitely complicated. HAHAHAHA</em></p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. CH5// Worth Fighting For</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Been caught up in school work lately, but I'll try to update more regularily. I appreciate all your support xo</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This whole day has been a drag. First, I got a C from geometry. My first C in a long time. It's clear that sociology and art history are more of my thing. However, I managed to keep all subjects at A's and B's throughout junior high to sophomore year. So have I not studied enough? Were the three hours yesterday wasted? Sure, my mind wandered a different direction a few times. But that's Dylan's fault. The way we held hands while dancing around like morons... His palms were so warm and inviting. I want to sleep in them.</p><p>The sun is setting and the bright lights above my head are flickering, casting awful white light. A hot,greasy smell of hamburger meat travels from the kitchen above my head. I fumble with my work uniform - black pants, black hat and an awfully ugly striped t-shirt.</p><p>A group of teen guys enter through the big glass door, bringing a wave of breeze inside. All wearing white hats. The only person I recognize is Tyler. One of them, a buff dude about the same height as me, walks up to the counter. Others take seats in the corner of the restaurant. I get right into my work persona.</p><p>"Welcome to Burger King, what can I get for you?" a fake smile appears on my red tinted lips.</p><p>Where have I seen him before?</p><p>The boy checks out the menu hanging above him. "A veggie burger. No onions, please."</p><p>I note it down. "Alright, do you want any drink with that?"</p><p>"No, but I sure want you."</p><p>I laugh off the shock. It sure is just harmless fun. "Ha ha ha, that will be $3,99"</p><p>He gives me the money. " Thank you." then he walks off, only to turn on his heel.</p><p>"Actually, I forgot something." A smirk appears on his acne-covered face.</p><p>"And what would that be, sir?" I say, appearing to not give a single fuck as I smash the money to the cash register. Don't let it be some dirty joke again.</p><p>"One more ketchup please." Phew.</p><p>I hand him what he wants. "Here you go,'' the boy in a CHS sweatshirt takes out his wallet, shuffling through the paper money, '' that will be 5 dollars." He abruptly stops what he's doing.</p><p>His head rises up,studying my face. "Are you kidding me? 5 bucks for nothing?"</p><p>"Do you want the ketchup or not?" My hands land on my waist, chin upwards.</p><p>" You ain't easy, huh."</p><p>Meanwhile, his order is finished. Before he takes it on a tray, he places extra 5 bucks on the counter. More money for me.</p><p>"No sir, but thank you. Enjoy your meal." I wave off at him in a sassy manner and when I'm sure he isn't looking back at me, my middle finger raises up.</p><p>I shove the paper money into the cash register. His table is the loudest here. Howling, forced jokes and laughs. How fulfilling. I serve two other people before Tyler's friend walks up to the counter.</p><p>"I'd like a cheeseburger," he says, his gaze never leaving my face.</p><p>I've gotten used to having them as customers here. But today they're being extra sleazy and annoying beyond belief. The previous months all they did was order whatever they wanted and moved along. Sometimes had a small talk with me, asking about life. And that excluded staring at me for a long period of time or having sexist remarks. Hell, they're so insignificant to me I never bothered to remember their names.</p><p>" Um, any drink with that?"</p><p>" Your juices." The moment these words leave his mouth, my eyes shoot up at him.</p><p>Never in my time of working here, have I heard something more disgusting. Weird types of customers are unavoidable, but these should be straight up illegal. Thankfully my acting skills are so amazing , I should get an Oscar for it.</p><p>My mouth form into the creepiest smile I can pull off. "Orange or apple juice, sir?"</p><p>"You know what I said." His eyebrows move up and down fast.</p><p>"<em>Monsieur</em>, I don't have time for this. Nor do I have to respect this behavior from you so please get seated and wait for your order. It will be done soon." I cross my arms on my chest and watch him walk back to his seat. He exchanges a few words with the guys, not bothering to sit down, then comes back.</p><p>"I changed my mind, I do want you as well. How much will that be? 5,99? You're quite cheap."</p><p>My mouth opens in disbelief. "Why don't we solve this like adults? Rock paper scissors." I make the pigface laugh.</p><p>Tyler calls out for him," Man leave her alone! "</p><p>The guy pretends he doesn't hear it. "You actually got very edgy since you started hanging out with nerds, don't you think?"</p><p>"No, I don't think so. Who let this egg-head in here?'' I look around the restaurant and back at him, ''You are a waste of space so move."</p><p>I hear stiff footsteps behind my back. The manager.</p><p>"Hey, Marianne, don't argue with the boy! Give him what he wants! That's what you're here for." Her sharp, harsh voice fills the room. It gains some attention from other customers enjoying their meal.</p><p>If only she knew.</p><p>"You should listen to your manager, sweetheart," he winks at me.</p><p>"From now on I am my own manager. Please move. Other custumers are waiting. "</p><p>"It was fucking dumb of you to not stand up for that Klebold dude. He sure cried over it to his mommy. With the way his temper is, he probably hates you now. "</p><p>Who cares if a jock with a brain the size of a rice bean thinks that. Maybe Dylan hates <em>him</em>.</p><p>" He doesn't hate me. I was over at his house and- I don't have to explain myself to you! Leave. "</p><p>" Ayy, you slept with him at his house? Woohoo! Did he cum in 5 seconds? ''</p><p>'' JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, get out of here! Get out! '' I scream out loud. His face falls, no longer amused.</p><p>The cold stares of tens of people is enough to set off a panic alarm in my chest.</p><p>'' Marianne! That's not how you speak to a customer!'' my manager screeches right back at me.</p><p>I face her, pointing at the confused jock. '' That's how I speak to a rotten egg who shows no respect towards me!'' I gesture him towards the entrance door. '' Get the fuck out before I fry you for dinner!''</p><p>'' Calm down! We will have to talk about this,'' the strict woman in her 40s warns me.</p><p>'' Lady shut up you know nothing!'' I raise my voice at her.</p><p>'' That's enough! Get out of my restaurant. Go. ''</p><p>She shoves me slighty, but enough to make me almost lose balance. The atmosphere in this place can be cut with a knife. Customers, in dead silence almost forgetting to eat, wait for my next move.</p><p>I throw my hat down on the floor and run to collect my belongings and bag. I exit through the double door, exclaiming '' Hallelujah, my time has come! '' I punch the air with my fists, not looking back. Never looking back. Yet my stomach twists and turns in the worst ways.</p><p>My house is 15 minutes away from work. Great, I'll have to walk. Despite it being almost the middle of September, it's still quite warm. Sunshine piercing my eyes, making me squint. Yet not warm enough for me to handle a short sleeve. I'm glad I didn't get fired in the middle of fucking winter. They can be rough in Colorado.</p><p>Legs carry me along the usual route, past a dozen grey buildings, cars honking. Yet the sound can't overlap what seems to be metal thrown on the ground , and a loud inaudible chatter of multiple people. It leads me to the strip mall I was just walking by. The sounds are coming from the back of the building, specifically one that reads Blackjack Pizza. Is someone doing construction work? I know a couple of people from school who are working there, maybe it's them.</p><p>Carefully, I brush against the side of the building with my back towards the wall. This would be a good time to spook them.</p><p>'' Move back more Dylan.'' a familiar voice commands.</p><p>Dylan?</p><p>I peak around the corner,making myself as small as possible. A few instructions and agreements come from the cameraman, standing behind a camcorder placed on the tripod. Are they filming porno here?</p><p>I've definitely seen those kids at school. They must be on a break or something. Then a tall lanky figure catches my eye. Combat boots, jeans so baggy he could drown in them, black t-shirt, greasy blonde hair. It's him. Standing there with a baseball bat in one hand. Another guy, picking up a bike. And Eric fucking Harris right next to the cameraman.</p><p>'' After all this, it still retains it's shine.'' says the guy, holding the bike, thumbs up for the camera.</p><p>Dylan takes a few unsteady steps. "What the hell are you doing to my sister's bike!"</p><p>The bike hits the ground and Dylan bolts after the poor guy, looking threatening. It's just acting, Dylan isn't angry. Ever.</p><p>Both of them run past me and I'm surprised I don't catch their attention. The other guy returns back to his friends, but Dylan stays still as his head tilts to my direction, then straight ahead, and again to me.</p><p>With a big grin on my face, I put one finger over my lips. I gesture him to come towards me. Stepping back, I make sure we're both hidden behind a wall. He is towering over me. So much that I have to look up at his face.</p><p>'' What's up?'' he says, keeping his voice quiet. His hand runs through his greasy hair once again.</p><p>'' This is very odd we crossed ways again, I just got fired from my job.'' My head falls down at the thought of what happened. I can't be having second thoughts,dammit. '' I was a slave there for almost a year. But that's just me, never making it to anniversaries.'' I shrug.</p><p>'' Oh I'm sorry. You alright?''</p><p>I shouldn't tell him that I got fired because of him. Ever.</p><p>'' I will be,no worries. Do you work here? Blackjack Pizza?'' I nod my head at the building.</p><p>'' I used to. We're filming a video here. It's taking too long. ''</p><p>Eric calls out his name, making him abruptly turn his head.</p><p>I rush to say something, anything, to keep him close. '' Good luck then. Anyways I forgot to ask for your phone number so... '' from my bag I take out a marker and hold out my wrist.</p><p>His fingers effortlessly grasp my arm, to make sure the surface he's writing on is stable. I repeat the action on him,noticing a few dried up scars and make sure I don't touch those with the black ink. Probably cat scratches. His wrist is so skinny I could wrap my fingers around it. Should I do that now? No, let's save that for later. If there will ever be a later. I'll make sure there is, if he doesn't.</p><p>'' Dylan what the fuck is taking you so long?'' Eric's voice interrupts again.</p><p>'' You should go. Call me tonight?'' I put the marker back into my bag, never breaking eye contact with him.</p><p>'' I'll try, '' Dylan says, walking away.</p><p>'' No. Don't try. Do it.''</p><p>As I turn around the corner, a red Toyota comes into the parking lot. Awfully familiar. The window rolls down.</p><p>'' Mari? '' the car slows down fast, making a screeching sound.</p><p>I jump back,starteled. Terror sucks the very breath from my mouth.</p><p>'' Jenna, holy shit you scared me. What are you doing here?'' I breathe out, hand over my chest.</p><p>She pulls her white sunglasses, contrasting her shiny black hair, a little lower on her nose. '' I was gonna ask you the same question girl. I haven't heard from you since Saturday.''</p><p>'' <em>Girl</em>. We talked at lunch.''</p><p>'' Talked? You only said like 5 sentences in total. You don't bother to ring me. This is so unlike you,'' she scans me up and down.</p><p>'' I guess so.'' What lie do I have to make up to satisfy her? '' It's just that I haven't been able to cut loose and have fun since the start of the school year. That's almost a whole month. School doesn't excite me as much as your parties do.'' I give her a small side smile.</p><p>Her eyes sparkle. '' You gave me the best idea ever. My parents are out of town. You, me, the hottest guys from our school, this Friday, 9 pm. Great music, great drinks. I'm counting on you. ''</p><p>"Hell yeah! I'm in."</p><p>Dear God not again. It will be the death of me.</p><p>She looks over my shoulder and squints her eyes, then back at me. "The hell are you wearing though? Work uniform?"</p><p>I'm already mentally exhausted by this short conversation. "Forget it. Can't wait for friday."</p><p>'' Jump in, that freak is staring at us.''</p><p>I turn around. '' Who- oh,'' Dylan was there but went away right when I looked at him.</p><p>As we drive down the highway, the window is rolled down and wind plays with Jenna's hair. The radio is blasting the cheesiest pop songs, but that doesn't stop me from singing along.</p><p>'' Can you believe this is our third year in high school?" she looks over at me." It flies by, like, so fast when you're having fun."</p><p>'' Better make junior year count."</p><p>" The senior prank is gonna be stupid again. It's always stupid. I told Nathan to do something about it and he said it's not in his power. Uh, hello? You're doing it for me, and that should be enough!" I sense that her eyes roll by the way she speaks.</p><p>When she's not getting an audible response from me, she changes the topic.</p><p>'' I hit the mall, check out how much stuff I got.''</p><p>I look in the backseat where she's pointing. Three full bags, clothing hanging from them.</p><p>'' All this for me?" I put my hand on my heart. " You shouldn't have!''</p><p>'' Girl, no way, get your head out of your ass! " she laughs.</p><p>I reach in as far as I can and shuffle through the tens of clothing items she bought. A t-shirt, a pair of jeans that looks very much like the one she's wearing, thongs. My god. Black lace thongs. I'll pretend I didn't see that, even though she's not innocent and everybody knows.</p><p>'' Hold on..." she reaches into one of the bags," this is for you.''</p><p>She takes out a beautiful beaded necklace. It has every color of the rainbow. She gives it to me and I put it around my neck. It rests there among other 10 which I wear everyday.</p><p>'' My hundredth necklace. Thanks Jen.''</p><p>The sun stops shining bright and Jenna puts her sunglasses on her head. '' Guess who I met at JCPenney?''</p><p>'' Let me guess-''</p><p>'' Robert, from two summers ago. Do you remember him? Colorado Springs, summer of 1997 ?''</p><p>'' The all talk no action guy!" And I imitate his low, try-hard sexy seducing voice." <em>Baby if you come to my hotel room right now I'll make sure you're screaming my name</em>." I wiggle my eyebrows at Jenna and she chuckles.</p><p>She's barely gripping the steering wheel, not wanting to ruin her fresh french manicure. '' Anyway, Nathan grabbed my ass in front of the whole Business class.''</p><p>'' Modern romance,'' I stare out of the window, counting vehicles that pass by us. </p><p>In an instant she gets giddy. ''Right, he's so into me! Daddy wouldn't be too happy about it because he doesn't go to church regularily. But which hot guy does?''</p><p>'' Because guys who go to church don't grab asses. Unless the guy is a priest and the girl is a young acolyte. That is, as some people call it, <em>ped</em>fection.''</p><p>Her whole face scrunches up. '' That is straight up, like, disgusting.''</p><p>'' Why do you still go to church? ''</p><p>'' I've told you a million times, girl. ''</p><p>I sigh. ''As if your parents would kill you if you did something that was in alignment with <em>your</em> values instead of theirs.''</p><p>'' Don't complain about that! Last time you were bitchin' about the exact same thing to me.''</p><p>'' Oh, I'm sorry that people grow up and their opinions change,'' I scoff and twirl a piece of hair around my finger.</p><p>'' With you, it happens every week.''</p><p>'' You should've gotten used to it by now.''</p><p>Jenna licks her lips. '' Consistency is sexy.''</p><p>'' Being boring is certainly <em>not</em> hot.''</p><p>She's already fed up with me. '' Hey, you want to walk home today?''</p><p>It's not worth it to start a fight with her.</p><p>'' What's that?'' she grabs my wrist and pulls it closer to her to clearly see. '' Which lucky boy gave you his digits?''</p><p>'' Stop invading my privacy so much <em>mom</em>!'' I jerk my arm away. She's worse than my own mom sometimes.</p><p>'' Is it one of the geeks you were sitting with that one time?'' Jenna gets annoyed fast.</p><p>'' Ugh, what? No.'' </p><p>Think, Mari, think! '' I'm working on a project about... I forgot what, and this is my project partner's number.''</p><p>'' Somebody must have hit you in the head, Marianne, you're freaking strange.'' Her head shakes.</p><p>I zone out on her daily gossips which I don't ever take part in.</p><p>She nags about her weekend plans after the party. '' I have a church youth meeting on Saturday. The house will have to be clean by 10 am.''</p><p>'' When are your folks coming home?''</p><p>She stops to think. '' 3 or something. They're celebrating my mom's birthday. That will keep them entertained for the two days.''</p><p>She steps on the brake in the driveway of my house.</p><p>'' You should come over for dinner,'' I unbluckle myself.</p><p>'' Nah, I promised to ring Nathan as soon as I get home.''</p><p>Jenna never refused my offer, and now Nathan is more important. Great, this school year is gonna be great if that's how our friendship's gonna be from now on. </p><p>'' Well, we have a phone too.''</p><p>'' In private,'' she emphasises the last work.</p><p>'' Oh, <em>private.</em>'' I wink at her.</p><p>'' Whatevs, bye girl. Don't get carried away with your project partner,'' she blows me a playful kiss.</p><p>Before she could fully roll her window up, I say, '' No, <em>you</em> don't get carried away with your fuckpartner.''</p><p>Bringing up grades is never a smart idea during a Tuesday dinner. Especially when you go from being a straight A student to bringing home C's. The dining room smells of a lingering tobacco smell after my dad has returned from his quick cigarette break. I'm unable to stop shoving chicken and rice down my throat, just so I don't have to talk about anything with my parents. My mother, with grey cheeks and the stare of someone who just lost a competition of some sort, lectures me throughout the whole time I'm eating. Dad, knowing damn good he didn't do well at school either, keeps quiet. You don't need to be Albert Einstein to be an environmental scientist, it seems. They questioned why I got home this early when I was supposed to be working.</p><p>Cutting the last piece of meat on her plate, my mom says "Mari, you're smarter than that and you know it. "</p><p>Smarter than that - three words that bring me so much anger.</p><p>"I know I am. But what if I don't want to succeed in subjects that aren't related to what I want to do in life?"</p><p>Great joke Mari, what do you want to do in life? Each day it's something different.</p><p>"Where's the little girl who went to a program for gifted kids?" she sighs. Her eyes don't leave the plate. The words cut through my heart.</p><p>"That has nothing to do with being gifted, mom." I put my fork and knife down, making sure it makes a loud sound against the plate.</p><p>" By the way, I don't have a job anymore."</p><p>Dad joins in with a mouthful of food and a raised voice . "You what? Repeat that again!"</p><p>"I. Got. Fired." I clap my hands together and get up from the table.</p><p>" Young lady what the hell did you do to get yourself fired?"</p><p>"Some dude who happens to go to my school was harassing me. I stood up for myself and got a bit agressive," I keep my tone calm.</p><p>"He was a customer! You should have ignored it, are you out of your mind?" my dad says as if it means nothing to him that some sleazy teenage guy was annoying me.</p><p>"It's been sugguested. Leave me alone." I say out loud from the bottom of the staircase, now making my way upstairs. Making sure they hear each step loud and clear.</p><p>I indulge in one of many creative projects I'm working on right now. A collage using magazine cutouts and victorian stickers. Ha, the amount of times I've started something and haven't finished it.</p><p>My floor is full of random sticker sheets, markers, paintbrushes and papers. One would think an 8 year old lives in this room. Light pink walls covered in Courtney Love and Hole posters, rows of antique dolls displayed on the top shelf above my desk, a white rose garland hanging from the ceiling. And colorful tie dye bedsheets. My goal wasn't to make it look nice - but rather make it look lived in. Like a little girl's bedroom in a victorian mansion meets the hippie movement.</p><p>One more sticker, and I'm done. The first time in months I finished something I started. But now it's 9 pm and Dylan still hasn't called. I told him to do it and he probably just went - <em>whatever, fuck her</em>. </p><p>I reach over to my nightstand and grab the phone, leaning over slightly otherwise the cord wouldn't reach my ear.</p><p>Looking at my wrist, I dial his number. Good thing the parents haven't noticed. His handwriting is sloppy, but special to me.</p><p>The other line rings two or three times,before somebody picks it up. Silence.</p><p>" Hello?" I speak up.</p><p>"Uh hi, I'm sorry I didn't call first." the shame can be heard in his voice.</p><p>" It doesn't matter Dyl."</p><p>"What did you just call me?" he sounds nervous.</p><p>"Dyl... Short for Dyldo" I burst out laughing at my own joke.</p><p>"Oh gawd," he says with a smile.</p><p>"All jokes aside, I'm gonna let you know that you can ring me whenever. Don't be so shy or else I'll get shy too."</p><p>"You get shy?" he says in a <em>really-bitch</em> tone.</p><p>"Yes! No! Sometimes! " I blurb out while trying to make up my mind. Dylan ignores it.</p><p>"Alright I can try."</p><p>What do I talk with him about now? He makes me speechless. "How do you feel as a fresh 17 year old?"</p><p>" It's the same as last year. And the year before.And the year before that."</p><p>" Yeah but has anything changed in you mentally?" I twist the telephone cord around my finger.</p><p>"Uhh, I-I don't know how to describe it. I'm fine."</p><p>I brush off his awkward reply. " Speaking of 17, I'm just gonna tell you it's my birthday in exactly a month from today."</p><p>"October 15th? My brother's is 23rd."</p><p>Yep, that idiot didn't get the clue.</p><p>" You have a brother? I didn't know."</p><p>He pauses to collect his words. " He lives somewhere else that's why he wasn't home."</p><p>"Oh. I'm an only child. It gets boring and even worse when I don't get along with my parents. I want to have a family of my own as soon as I finish traveling around the world... " I rant about my plans for future.</p><p>" That's cool."</p><p>"You're finishing high school next year in May is that right? Are you going to uni?"</p><p>"Pf, yeah I am if they accept me," he says it like he isn't so sure about it happening.</p><p>'' I don't know you that well but I have a feeling you're smart." I gasp," You know what smart people can do? You could be a millionare.''</p><p>'' I guess so.''</p><p>I start counting on my fingers. "Wait wait wait this doesn't add up... You're 17 and a senior. I'll be 17 next month and I'm a junior."</p><p>"I went to high school one year earlier because I was what they call smart. When I was younger I was in a program for gifted kids. "</p><p>My muscles twitch. God if he was here right now I'd slap his arm. "Get out! Me too! My parents just mentioned it today at dinner. The program I mean. What are the odds? We might have crossed paths there. Was it here in Littleton?"</p><p>'' Uh, yeah it's called CHIPS. At Governor's Ranch Elementary.''</p><p>'' Oh my, I was attending a different elementary school. But it's the same program! How cool is that.''</p><p>Our conversation goes on for a good while. What surprises me is the amount of sentences he says. Perhaps talking over the phone is giving him more confidence to speaking face to face.</p><p>Devon gets mentioned inbetween words. I keep asking questions that start with why, how, what, when, where. He must love answering those. I find out she's been over to his house many times and slept over. What if... Geez. She wouldn't go after him and she has a boyfriend . Especially not now when she knows about my feelings. He's also been to her house and threw her dad in the pool. The thought of that makes me giggle. I hate that I missed out on these fun things.</p><p>I clear my throat. ''Dylan?''</p><p>'' Yeah? Did I say something wrong?'' he asks as if he was afraid of what I'm about to say.</p><p>My lips mold into a tightlipped smile. '' Not at all. I enjoy talking to you.''</p><p>A short pause follows. '' So do I.''</p><p>-----------------------------------------------------</p><p>
  <em>... I just wish I could call her... something blocks me from calling her my human side is putting up a wall, to prevent me from calling her, like a few of "its" truth. BS. I will overcome all fears, doubts, &amp; zombie-based thoughts ... I will follow our hearts, to the halcyon, loving her. I love you Mari.</em>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. CH6// Asking For It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Turns out, Robyn is good for two things: being bribed with money and giving car rides for money. The downside - it cost me 10 bucks. She might still be upset over the fact that Dylan offered to drive me home once. Hey, better going with her than walking alone when it's dark outside.</p><p>I offered Robyn to stay for a while at Jenna's party, but she kindly refused. So now, standing in front of the house I know better than my own, I bite my nails. What's the deal, I've been going to her parties for years. I can only hope for some rad music and cute guys. Cute guys I have no interest in pursuing.</p><p>" There she goes!" Jenna exclaims as she opens the door with a big smile, and pulls me into a quick hug. The booze hasn't fucked her up yet.</p><p>It seems that I came late - around 20 people are already here. Loud catchy beat buzzes through the space. Its vibrations travel through my whole body, from the sole of my feet.</p><p>"You look smokin' good in this. Let's cheer to that!" Jenna holds up her can of beer and takes a gulp.</p><p>Two girls come up to her. They look really familiar. We sure have met here before.</p><p>"Michelle, Kelly, you remember Mari. She's my best friend. "</p><p>"Hello girlies," I give both of them a friendly hug, despite not fully knowing them. They seem to have put a lot of effort into the way they look tonight. Pinned up hair, short glittery dress, one would think they're twins.</p><p>I reveal a vodka bottle they didn't seem to have noticed until now. Their eyes immediately light up, which makes Jenna and me laugh.</p><p>"Oooh this is mine! " the brunette, Michelle, grabs it from me. Without asking. Sure, why not, suit yourself. Funny how a glass bottle full of chemicals can distract the two girls so much, they already forgot I'm here.</p><p>Jenna puts her hands on my shoulders and turns me towards her. She scans my outfit of choice - a tight see through white blouse with a contrasting black bra underneath, black leather pants and the usual chunky platforms.</p><p>"Girl, let me fix this." she pulls at the polyester fabric of my top and fumbles with buttons. I look down at my nearly-exposed bra, three top buttons now unbuttoned.</p><p>"Thanks a lot, without your assistance I wouldn't know what's hot."</p><p>She slaps my ass jokingly. "You sure wouldn't."</p><p>Something doesn't feel quite right. It doesn't make me laugh like it used to.</p><p>"Loosen up, don't be so stiff." Jenna notices my serious expression. "Here, drink it." She shoves the beer in front of my face. Without hesitation I take a sip from it.</p><p>The bitter taste hits my tounge. "How do you always know how to cheer me up?" I shake my head.</p><p>Her face lights up. "Follow me, I'll show you where the cute boys are at."</p><p>Another attempt at trying to set me up with someone, huh.</p><p>The living room,that was once a beautiful luxurious looking place, now has mess and dirt all over the floor and teenagers have no problem drinking on the couch. Out of all of her parties, this has to be the nastiest one so far.</p><p>An empty broken bottle. The air is heavy and tight. Bass boosted R&amp;B playing out of big speakers. A skunky odor of pot when we get to the most crowded area. Jocks all around me. Jackets and cardigans piled up on the sofa. Spills on the floor, from what I hope to be alcohol. I almost step into it. Crunchy food under my feet.</p><p>Jenna greets people left and right along the way to their backdoor. My powerful presence comes in handy when my friend can't get through some dudes and is too ashamed to ask them to move.</p><p>'' Where are you taking me?'' I ask her.</p><p>She picks up the pace. A girl, visibly drunk, reaches out for a family photo of Jenna's family. '' Don't you dare!'' She is making sure everything is under control, even though it clearly isn't.</p><p>Once in the backyard, she sits on the plastic deckchair right by their pool. Her social mask comes off and smile fades away, '' Some dumbass invited a guy who's known for drug possession.''</p><p>'' And? Did he sell you some?'' I try to make her smile.</p><p>She lashes out on me, '' No!'' and her face falls into her hands. '' This could go so horribly wrong. I don't want to deal with the police. There are twice as many people here as I expected. I can't bear it all on my shoulders.''</p><p>'' Jen,'' I sit beside her and put my arm around her. '' I will entertain them, okay?''</p><p>'' But what if-''</p><p>'' I can also kick them out, yes.''</p><p>Jenna continues ranting to me about the worst case scenarios. I feel for her, but can't victimize her. She knew what she was getting into. Maybe that means no more parties.</p><p>A group of girls approach us, each holding a snack or drink. They complain about somebody making out in her bedroom, boo-hoo. Like that wasn't gonna happen tonight.</p><p>She gets up and angrily bursts into her house. I catch up with her and the other girls. Soon enough, I completely lose them in the crowd. I begin looking around.</p><p>Jenna left me alone, in the middle of this warzone. This has to be 30 people atleast, I can't get through them all. Who was I kidding, of course I can't entertain them while I'm sober.</p><p>Somebody's arm hand at my waist. Please don't let it be some sleazy drunk dude.</p><p>"Hey, I might have seen you before. Are you Mary?" a chubby boy, not much taller than me, asks with a smirk. White hat. His legs are barely holding him up. I could swear on my life I've seen him before.</p><p>"Marianne, but close enough. Fatboy Slim." I correct him and fix my posture. A bottle of unopened whiskey on the coffee table is calling me. I take advantage of it, and have a few gulps. More like half a bottle -hoping the boy will find someone else to entertain in the meanwhile.</p><p>" Are you enjoying it here?" he says after a long pause of staring at me drinking.</p><p>"Sure, do I look like I'm not?" I begin to spaz out, moving my limbs around. That will make him stop talking to me. I bump into somebody and stop. Heat travels through my whole body and the room is atleast 40 degrees hotter than when I arrived.</p><p>The boy nods. "You're pretty... sexy." His sentence makes the room spin. I'm floating around in space. The lights... in air... my head heavy.</p><p>"Pretty or sexy?" I try to hold myself up by the nearest objects, fighting back the urge to gag.</p><p>"Both. Want me to show you something?" he slurs the last word, pulling me close to him. What a nice person, making sure I don't fall on my ass.</p><p>I nod sloppily at his question, which only makes me burn inside. "Mmm, a magic trick?" Maybe he will pull out a deck of cards and ask me to pick one and... No, this is not a children's birthday party. Even though the guy talking to me has a childish face. Can't be older than sixteen.</p><p>I end up in a dark bedroom, the only light coming in are blurred lines from the blinds. A street lamp casting light into the room. A song, far away but loud enough for me to hear, feels like it's been turned up as loud as possible, ringing in my ears.</p><p>Silk fabric holds up my body. A dark figure lays on top of me with all of his weight. His warm lips and stinky breath kiss my neck. The kisses are lazy and sloppy, no effort put in. It doesn't matter. I haven't had sex in atleast seven months, I miss it already. The adrenaline of getting caught by someone only makes me crave it more.</p><p>He roams all parts of my body, slowly unbuttoning my shirt. His hands grab my breasts forcefully. The desire in me is growing more and more. I grab his face and my lips connect with his . My tounge ends up more on his face than in his mouth. He tugs at the top of my pants, wanting to pull them down. Oh my god, I'm about to have drunk sex with a hot guy. A guy who I don't know. This isn't the magic trick I was expecting.</p><p>" We shouldn't be doing this..." this makes him abruptly stop and think.</p><p>"But do you not like it?" he slips his hand between the leather fabric and my skin. It moves back and forth against my wetness, feeling me through the fabric of my panties. His face is inches away from mine.</p><p>" Keep touching me there and I won't be able to resist. " I bite my lip.</p><p>" Do I turn you on?" he says and the zipper of his pants goes down.</p><p>" No but the alcohol is speaking tonight."</p><p>I look everywhere except for him. It's dark, yet I don't have the courage. What if I made him mad? Nope, he didn't pull away one bit.</p><p>" Let's make the best out of it. I've wanted you for so long, " his hard on rubs against the fabric of my pants, right in between my legs.</p><p>The heat in the core of my body is gone. My heart thumps against my ribcage.</p><p>"Oh-oh stop I changed my mind." I shoot up in terror and push him away. Even with all the strenght I have in me, he doesn't flinch.</p><p>" Not too quick,baby." He puts me right down on the bed,pinning my hands above my hand with his. My chest is heaving as if I was being burried alive, no one hearing my pleads and screams.</p><p>" I'm serious let me go!" I yell as loud as I can.</p><p>" Shit, it would be easier if you stopped talking too much," his palm covers my mouth. I bite into it,making him flinch in pain.</p><p>" I said stop it! I don't want this to happen. And not tonight!" I keep screaming. This time I get off the bed and drag myself towards the door.</p><p>He is on his way towards me, tucking his shirt into jeans. "So there can be another time?"</p><p>As I turn around,he is already pressing himself against me. He cups my face and presses down harshly. It makes me whince.</p><p>" Please don't- I want to go." I touch the handle, which makes him grab my hand away and pin me against the door.</p><p>At the top of my lungs, I let out a broken scream. "Jenna! Jenna help me!"</p><p>Afraid that someone will hear us, he lets me go. I flee out of there, knocking something down along the way. Glass shatters behind me.</p><p>"Has no one taught you to be quiet?" I hear him call out.</p><p>Jenna's having some drink in the kitchen all by herself. Despite being a party girl, she doesn't drink as much as her guests. She has to look after the house and wasted people and her parents wouldn't be ecstatic to find out that she drinks. And they sure as hell wouldn't be happy about the mess in this place. It's trashed.</p><p>She's surprised at my sudden arrival and my undone blouse. " You dissapeared for a bit. What's poppin'?"</p><p>God, the whole thing made me sober up. Yet my blood pressure is the highest it's been in my entire life. My head is throbbing and the house reeking of alcohol certainly doesn't help.</p><p>I grab onto her. " I had to go to the bathroom. I need more booze in my system." The brown liquid in her glass looks delicious.</p><p>" Try this girl, it's great. " I take her drink and chug it down. A new tune blasts from the speakers in the next room. I drop the glass. It shatters on the white tiles. As I stumble out of the room, I hit my hip against the sharp edge of the kitchen counter.</p><p>The dining table, not too far from the centre of the action, is now my stage. Chairs were moved aside. With the help of two guys I get on top of it. Alone I would have probably fell. Just as quick as I regained my soberness, I lose it again. Being this high above other people makes me ten times dizzier. As I stand up partially straight, the people around me go crazy. They don't realize what's happening after all, and neither do I. This party will be nothing but a crazy fever dream by tomorrow.</p><p>My hips sway smoothly from one side to the other, without making sure it goes along with the beat of the song. Despite my surroundings being blurry, I figure out how to make them go crazy. Twerking. Or something that must look like the laziest,drunkest twerk ever.</p><p>Dirty remarks and wooho's coming from around me only excite me more. With my blurry view I miss the guy who almost raped me, coming my way.</p><p>''I want you in bed right now!"' one guy screams. Tyler stands next to him with horror written all over him. Fuck, he's here too? Jenna must have invited every asshole from our school.</p><p>The feeling of being admired and wanted has never felt better. Boys either staring at me lustfully or grabbing my legs, desperately trying to get onto the table. I kick them off one by one. After all, this evening isn't so bad. Maybe I could seduce someone else who won't be agressive on me. I start pulling off my already opened shirt, sleeves first, and...</p><p>" Who invited you here? How do you know about this you freak?! I will call the cops on you. Take one more freaking step!" Jenna's screeching overlaps the loud music. People in the back look over their shoulders.</p><p>" Mari I'm taking you home," a manly voice, that sounds like music to me, calls out from the doorway. I find myself having no other option. His expression is unreadable. I stop moving altogether and quickly start buttoning up my shirt.</p><p>"Dylan?" I jump off from the table. My audience is surely dissapointed. I trip on my own feet when walking towards him and stumble. He catches me just in time, before I could make contact with the tiled floor.</p><p>"Careful. Your parents called... I knew I had to go..." the blonde haired guy says to me,loudly, so that I can hear him through the noise.</p><p>Jenna eyes me and him a few times in pure disbelief. "You bitch he's the guy who taunted me in gym class! How do you know each other?'' she starts growling at me and I smell the alcohol in her mouth.</p><p>Dylan, in his black duster and black shades, puts an arm around me. Immediately my world turns upside down and I hold back the need to throw up. Am I drunk or excited? Both.</p><p>"Get your hands off her nerd you ain't getting laid," Tyler steps in. Jenna grabs me by my hand and tugs.</p><p>" Back off I'm going because I want to!" I slap Jenna's cold hand away and wrap my arm around Dylan's torso. God, I can feel his bones. He's so skinny.</p><p>This time Tyler grabs my wrist again and refuses to let go despite my protests. I lose balance.</p><p>Dylan pulls me in closer, tighter, to make sure I don't fall. '' Don't touch her!''</p><p>Jenna doesn't say a word, just stares in disbelief with glossy eyes.</p><p>All my senses intensify outside, having to hold myself up with the help of Dylan and also shivering from the cold air.</p><p>"Have no idea... what's happening..." I fail to walk straight and almost bump into something. My eyelids feel heavier with each second passing.</p><p>I close my eyes and see all black for a moment. Pure nothingness. I grab onto Dylan's arm as if it was an anchor and I was sinking into a deep dark ocean.</p><p>" You're so wasted." He looks down upon me, while we're walking towards a BMW car. Hey, I saw that parked in front of his house.</p><p>" I'm sure I only had this much,'' I show him with my thumb and pointer finger barely touching.</p><p>"And I'm sure you don't remember anything after that. "</p><p>That makes me giggle. "I'll try to not throw up in your car. "</p><p>He opens the passenger door and patiently waits for me to get in. I almost hit my head against the roof when I throw myself onto the seat.</p><p>"It's not mine yet, my parents own it. You're shaking." The door close with a loud thud. Dylan is making effort to be as fast as possible to get inside as well. And we ride off into the night.</p><p>I barely see his facial features clearly. I keep rambling on about everything and nothing. Without a single word said from him, he drives me through the streets I know rather well. The same route I took atleast a thousand times to Jenna's house and back.</p><p>Red light. Mellow rock music softly fills the silence. I throw my head back and groan, then look down at myself.</p><p>" Oh no who unbuttoned me?" I quickly push the buttons of my shirt through the holes, missing a few times but then figuring it out.</p><p>" Mari what happened there?" Dylan sounds geniounly concerned.</p><p>"Someone- I don't know who right now but he touched me everywhere." I struggle to talk without slurring.</p><p>"He what? You got raped?" I've never heard this strange coldness in his voice.</p><p>"Give me a break I'm still a fucking mess."</p><p>The memory of that, even though it's mostly a blur, makes me shiver and squirm in my seat. A bitter, disgusted expression on my face.</p><p>" I'm taking you home now okay? Sit still.'' His palm cluches the steering wheel.</p><p>'' It's impossible! I still feel his touch right here..." my hand massages my stomach and down my legs, "and here...'' I cup my breasts and burst into laughter. Eyes filled to brim with tears.</p><p>'' You're safe alright? '' he says as the green light jumps on. His foot presses the engine again. The car is moving so quickly down the road, he's for sure breaking some rules.</p><p>I study his face. My eyes lag but I can figure out what I see. His mouth form into the smallest smile.</p><p>'' I always feel safe. I like you so much. One would think you're the biggest loser of our school but you're a cool guy.'' The back of my hand ends up lingering on his cheek . Longer than it should. Such a soft skin. His gaze focuses on the road ahead, but he shifts uncomfortably.</p><p>I don't see much of the outside. Yellow street lamps shine like stars on the dark night sky. They're running, faster that the vehicle. One by one.</p><p>'' How'd you find me you nerd?'' my gaze never leaves the sight.</p><p>'' I'll tell you...sober up... alright?'' I miss a few words he's saying.</p><p>It hits me. I almost had sex with a jock. The same jock who got me fired. The same jock that Dylan and Eric and many others dispite. I can't tell Jenna. I can't tell anyone, it would be embarassing. Hell, even if I did it would be my fault that it ended up like that. I lured him in, it wasn't entirely his fault. I shouldn't have gone to the party in the first place. I should have stayed home and called Dylan and have a quick talk with him like we did three times this week already. All were initiated by me. Therefore...He isn't making any effort. God, why the hell am I trying.</p><p>'' I feel so sick...''</p><p>Dylan's head shots to my direction. '' No, don't get sick in the car. I'll stop.''</p><p>A drunk, half undressed chick in his parents car who doesn't know what she's saying and he's this gentle.</p><p>'' Not that kind of sick you motherfucker. Sick of myself,'' and the sickness is only growing at my unconscious choice of words. '' Sorry for that.''</p><p>After a short pause he says '' Huh?''</p><p>'' You won't get it. You'll never be in the same situation.'' I shake my head.</p><p>He moves the gearstick. '' Has this happened before? Who was that guy?''</p><p>Good question. I almost slept with him and don't even know his name. But I could swear I saw him before. I'm a whore for this. The biggest slut in school. I'll have to skip it on Monday, it will be fresh news once somebody starts spreading the gossip.</p><p>'' He's from... school that's for sure... Had a white hat on...''</p><p>No reaction from him. His lips suck in and he taps on the steering wheel,playing an invisible piano.</p><p>'' Dylan I truly am safe with you. Can I hold your hand?'' I turn to him with pleading eyes.</p><p>'' Not right now. I'm driving. Hold on, " he says, his voice shaking as if he was unsure of himself.</p><p>Those are the last words I hear before everything goes black.</p><p>He swerves to the side of the road and stops the car abruptly. Alcohol vanishes from my blood when I see a familiar house right in front of me. My eyes still want to stick together and I surrender myself to it. Dylan's voice makes me open them again, this time fully.</p><p>'' You're home.'' Dylan opens the passenger door for me. I stretch my arm out for him, clueless about what to do and how to get out. His long body hovers over mine as he unbuckles me. I sit still, frozen. I feel his arm underneath my knees, another one behind my back. He pulls me out of the vehicle using all strenght he has in that thin body.</p><p>'' No don't take me home please. My parents can't see me like this again,'' I lay,like a bride in his arms. My legs kick as we get closer to the entrance door.</p><p>Dylan shushes me to be quiet. He lowers himself to open the door. I'm not the skinniest and he for sure feels this.</p><p>The scene of seeing him in Jenna's house, while I was being a horndog around other guys, is like a brick to my face. It grasps me out of my hazyness. How did he know I was there? Why did he drive me home... the questions are endless.</p><p>I can't help but admire his big nose, long chin and eyes that resemble half moons. My face is inches away from his and I make an attempt to bite his nose. He dodges, and his dull expression doesn't change.</p><p>'' You're so beautiful in the moonlight,'' I say.</p><p>''And you're drunk, '' he spits back.</p><p>My hand travels up his chest to his face. '' You know what song keeps playing in my head whenever I look at you? The one that goes Mmm... sexy boy. ''</p><p>I can only imagine the redness growing on his face. His heart beats against me almost scarily fast.</p><p>'' Be quiet now. We're in your house." Oh shit we really are." Where do I put you?''</p><p>'' My bedroom,'' I point to the direction of the stairs. "You can put me down now." I speak as low as possible.</p><p>'' I'll carry you'' he insists. The light switches on from the upstairs hall. Dylan stops in his tracks.</p><p>'' Marianne?'' my mom calls out and her footsteps get closer. Dylan drops me down. I lose balance and my knees jerk. I lean on Dylan to support myself. My mom, in a red bathrobe, comes down three steps.</p><p>Her eyes blink fast a few times, as if she's hoping what is right in front of her is just a bad dream.</p><p>I get ahead of Dylan. '' Hi mom, Dylan here brought me home from Jenna's party. I didn't drink anything as you can see. Perfectly sober.'' A malicious smile appears on my face.</p><p>'' John why did you let her a stranger take her home!'' she stomps down the stairs towards us, making Dylan take a step back.</p><p>''No mommy he's my friend. It's okayy,'' the slurring only gets more obnoxious the more I try to control it. She stands at the bottom of the staircase and crosses her arms.</p><p>Dad speaks up from upstairs. '' If this happens one more time you're grounded. Dylan, go home.''</p><p>Dylan's head hangs low, shoulders slouching. He takes a few steps towards the front door. '' Bye.''</p><p>His other leg isn't even outside and my dad yells after him. '' Thank you for bringing her home safe.''</p><p>Dylan just nods and the door closes. The house feels empty as if the air has been sucked out. My dad knows his name. I have never introduced him to my parents. What the actual fuck. I left the paper with his number by the phone in my room but my parents almost never go in there.</p><p>'' Want to tell us something, Marianne?'' mom judgementally says.</p><p>'' No-not really. Good night.'' I pass both of my parents, being extra careful not to stumble and go into my bedroom. This night couldn't get any worse and better at the same time. As I'm crawling to my bathroom on all fours, my parents' arguing only makes the sickness worse.</p><p>What has my life come to? Jenna will hate me forever because I talk to Dylan. Everybody will know that I was groped by the ugliest jock around. Dylan saw me dancing half naked in front of all those guys. He must think I'm easy. Mari, who are you kidding? You are, and you deserve all the bad things that have ever happened to you. They're not even the last and the worst ones yet.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. CH7// Shame</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Breathe in. Breathe out. I smash the locker shut.</p><p>"Devon, I think I'm a slut."</p><p>"What?" she chuckles and the book in her grip almost falls down. "You have sex for money?"</p><p>Okay, the gossip hasn't gotten to her yet. It's only Monday morning, but someone should already know about it by now.</p><p>"I'm not a slut then."</p><p>She sees through my bullshit and knows that I'm hiding something from her.</p><p>"Spill it already," she nudges me.</p><p>Two ways she could react. Either bad or really bad. There's no escape now unless I run away. She can run super fast though, there's no chance.</p><p>" I might have slept with someone on Saturday night."</p><p>Dev covers her mouth. "Don't tell me you went to-"</p><p>I lean my back against the locker. "Jenna's party and it was a blast. As far as I can remember."</p><p>Her face expression changes in an instant. "You melt over Dylan for half a year, get in touch with him then forget it all for a screw with some stupid guy."</p><p>Geez, not even my mom gives me such attitude.</p><p>"You're saying it like I'm the bad one."</p><p>"And aren't you? That's not fair on behalf of Dylan. I have to stand up for him. He's my friend too."</p><p>"So he didn't tell you the whole story?"</p><p>She furrows her eyebrows. "No, not a word."</p><p>" Well my parents told me he brought me home. What happened right before, during and after is a big mistery."</p><p>" Alcohol is bad for you. I can't believe you haven't learned your lesson."</p><p>"Experience over theory, Dev. It's not easy entertaining thirty wasted teens when you're sober." I shrug.</p><p>"So you 'entertained' them?" she air-quotes the word.</p><p>"I. Don't. Remember!" And I start walking away from her. I thought she was on my side and understood me. Dylan isn't upset about it but she is, in the name of their friendship.</p><p>She doesn't give up and continues, "It's always Jenna this and Jenna that. If she asked you to jump off a bridge, you would."</p><p>"I would if there was a trampoline under said bridge and a parachute attached to my back."</p><p>She tugs at my hand, staring straight ahead. "Dylan is right there. You should talk to him."</p><p>He entered through the main entrance door. With his duster on he is intimidating. I wonder if he wears it for that effect. God, I'll get to talk to him today. Suddenly my breakfast feels disgusting in my stomach. Gross. I shouldn't be this stressed out about it. He saw me at my worst and still rang me on my phone the day after.</p><p>" Do I have to?" I stand, paralyzed in one spot.</p><p>"Yes. I'm sure he wants to hear your voice again," she sounds rather annoyed.</p><p>"Why are you mad at me?" I fold my arms on my chest.</p><p>She can't believe what she's hearing. "After what you just told me, you still ask why?"</p><p>My crush goes right up the stairs. </p><p>" I'll apologize to him, don't make such a big deal out of it."</p><p>Dev sighs, "It is a big deal and even bigger deal to him if he's into you."</p><p>Dylan and I exchange stares.</p><p>"Newsflash - he isn't."</p><p>"Now how do you know?"</p><p>"How do <em>you</em> know?"</p><p>What she doesn't know is that we have already planned to meet up at lunch.</p><p>The parking lot is usually busy at this hour. More cars going in and out. I thought it would be a good idea to eat here. Dylan surely likes not having to worry if somebody's gonna interrupt him while he's enjoying his food. I don't try to stay away from him as much as I used to. Jenna already dislikes me, there isn't anything else to lose.</p><p>The shyness in Dylan is turned to the minimum it seems. He's leaning against his car. We'd just finished eating sandwiches he bought for both of us. Neither of us are afraid to make eye contact or feel awkward about our arms rubbing against each other. His black duster is protecting him from the cold.</p><p>To avoid silence, I bring up last Friday night. He seems intrigued by the way I explain my memories of it. Considering I was drunk, there are a few blanks in my mind. Like it wasn't me who experienced all of it. He doesn't mind me talking about it. He understands it's better to talk out problems rather than bottling them inside.</p><p>'' And what else do you remember? Other than being in my car.'' Dylan digs deeper with every question. And as I answer them, the Friday night gets more clear in my mind.</p><p>'' I remember bits and pieces but not the whole party. Oh, I was in Jenna's parents' bedroom getting innapropriatly touched!'' I jump up in ironic excitement.</p><p>'' Shit." He focuses on the ground as if putting together puzzle pieces. "Yeah when I came to pick you up your shirt was unbuttoned.''</p><p>That means he saw me almost half-naked. What a way to break the ice. '' Did you see anything?''</p><p>His voice goes an octave higher. '' I didn't look there. You buttoned it up later.''</p><p>'' Oh phew. It explains my weird dreams the past few nights then. It always starts with me being in a dark room and this huge guy licking my boobs...'' I search for a reaction from Dylan. His lips press together and eyes shift.</p><p>''Too graphic? I'm sorry.''</p><p>He shakes his head. '' No I should be apologizing.''</p><p>I get closer to him. Perhaps too close for his comofort. '' For what? You saved me. Thank you.''</p><p>'' I should be apologizing for not coming earlier.'' He lets out a sigh.</p><p>'' Oh Dyl." My hand brushes against his cold cheek, "you did your best and you feel sorry about it? That's the most scared I've ever been in my whole life. I feel sick just thinking about it. Guess I don't have to worry about you telling anyone about it, huh. It's real traumatizing for a girl. Godness,who knows what could've happened. ''</p><p>Dylan keeps quiet. Looking down. Silently absorbing my words.</p><p>'' Is it okay if I give you a hug?'' this makes his head shoot up.</p><p>''It's always okay, '' he says with a crooked smile.</p><p>I get on my tip toes to reach his shoulders. He notices this and slouches down for me to easily embrace him. His arms go around my lower back. This is the moment I've been dreaming of. It doesn't feel that exciting anymore. The thought of hurting his feelings is in the back of my mind.</p><p>'' Wait, how did you know I was at Jenna's party? Were you stalking me?'' I say, my face pressed into him. I inhale his scent.</p><p>'' Your dad called our landline. He asked if you were at our house and my mom said no," his voice keeps going up and down." So I guess uh your dad sugguested we should get someone to check up on you because it was past 1 am. When my mom told me I just knew I had to go.''</p><p>'' Had to go? You weren't sleeping? ''</p><p>'' I wanted to make sure you're safe.''</p><p>I pull away and take a step back. He further explains.</p><p>'' I heard your friend talking about the party earlier, after we met behind Blackjack. Right away I knew stupid fucks were gonna be involved. I'm sorry.''</p><p>Shame washes over his face again. What could have anyone done to him to make him this shy or afraid to show emotions.</p><p>'' I barely hear you speak this much and when you do, you apologize for saving me?" I massage my temples." Whatever. My life is like a weird spanish soap opera. I either get dumped or assaulted.''</p><p>'' Hey dudes. I see I interrupted a special moment,'' Brooks walks up to us, bringing the smell of tobacco with him.</p><p>The two boys nod at each other.</p><p>"Not at all, your arrival <em>is</em> the special moment." I wink at him.</p><p>Dylan distances himself from me and gives full attention to his friend.</p><p>'' You stayin' after school? We're working on the Frankenstein play, '' Brooks fiddles with a chain of keys.</p><p>'' I guess so,'' Dylan shrugs.</p><p>'' Are you acting in a play?'' I ask Dyl with a mischevious smile.</p><p>'' No, he's on sound and Zack is on lights. I'm an actor, '' the giraffe man explains.</p><p>"Devon is in the same class too, " says Dylan, as if it was an invitation to join it. Too late, maybe next semester.</p><p>'' If you're ever short of actresses you should call me. Inexperienced but ready to learn." My chest puffs up, hands on waist.</p><p>Brooks chuckles. " You never took threatre ? I'm taken aback, I heard you enjoy putting on great show in front of people. "</p><p>I feel my pulse in my neck. Dear God. No, I'm sure he's not referring to the weekend.</p><p>" I do indeed but only when it's adult content quality. School plays are conservative. "</p><p>" You're saying you would do a striptease in the school threatre? "</p><p>" That's exactly what I'm <em>not</em> saying, Brooks," I tilt my head.</p><p>After a bit of talking about the subject of school and annoying teachers, we part our ways. Dylan goes a different direction than me and Brooks, so I socialize with him.</p><p>I find out he's taking debate class too but we're not classmates. As we're walking side by side, the height difference is unbelievable. Brooks does seem to be a chill, laid back dude. He hangs out with the alternative crowd and his hair color changes often. Cool guy. Zack called him a gossiper, but so far no gossip has come up in our talk. Or so I thought...</p><p>" Since you know Dylan so well, I wonder if he's ever told you about how dangerous Eric is. " The information is irrelevant to what we were talking about seconds ago.</p><p>What the hell is he saying? When we went bowling they were on one team. It's true that Eric had an angry outburst. Maybe there's some truth to that.</p><p>" Eric isn't dangerous. He's a scrawny kid and I bet you 50 bucks I could beat him in a fight," I laugh it off as we continue walking down the halls. I stop at my locker to take the books I need for my next class.</p><p>He is annoyed by my reaction. " Last year he had a website where he threatened to kill me and blow shit up. He hates a lot of people. "</p><p>" Not me though. We don't talk much but he's always nice to me when we do. "</p><p>Out of my locker falls a neatly folded yellow paper. I pick it up as fast as I can without Brooks noticing. It makes home between my books.</p><p>" My parents reported him to the police multiple times. They have proof of the threat. "</p><p>" Why are you telling me all of this? Do I look like a detective to you? " I stand up with my supplies and close the locker.</p><p>" Warning you because I know how he can be when someone tries to break up the Eric and Dylan duo. "</p><p>This guy is talking too much. Shouldn't he get ready for the next class? If he has one. Idiot.</p><p>I open my mouth then close them again. " I'm not trying- are you implying that I'm dating Dylan? " I try to laugh it off.</p><p>" I'm implying that you look like you want to. "</p><p>" Oh god it's that visible. "</p><p>" Good luck trying not to make Eric angry, " Brooks pats my back and walks away. The bell rings.</p><p>One more lesson then I'm going home, finally. It's weird that Jenna voluntarily drives me home even though we don't talk like we used to. The car rides are quiet. I miss my best friend.</p><p>Right as I'm pondering about her, she appears in front of my eyes. Not alone but surrounded by bodyguards - Nathan by her left side, Evan on the other. Followed by Tyler and two more girls dressed in pink. Walking down the hall,minding their business.</p><p>Jenna looks my way. The world slows down.</p><p>" Hey! " I wave at her and she pretends she doesn't see me. Yet there's a hint of sadness in her eyes. I wish I could tell her what happened. The question is, would she care?</p><p>" Shut up. " Evan reacts instead of my once best friend.</p><p>My heart pounds a million times per second. Cold sweat washes over me.</p><p>This is <em>him</em>. A sophomore touched me. It's not my fault, I'm not the type of person to seduce a guy younger than me. But God knows how sick he makes me.</p><p>" I'm talking to Jenna, not you asshole! I know what you did to me! " I yell after him. Then I regret my words. People will ask around for what drama happened.</p><p>'' You were asking for it!'' he yells back.</p><p>'' <em>Oh you were asking for it, I'm a big man with strong morals and women -you belong to the kitchen!'' </em>I give my best impression of his voice and mimicks<em>. </em>''If I was asking for it, did I ask you twice?''</p><p>Students look around, pretty terrified, some laughing. </p><p>Evan turn around and stomps towards me. With the corner of my eye I see Dylan standing nearby.</p><p>" Life isn't so rosy now that you're without a job, and used up like a whore huh? " His ugly face is close to mine. His breath stinks. Ah, just as I remember him.</p><p>And with those words, he goes back to his friends.</p><p>I look around the busy hallway. Dylan isn't alone. There's a blonde girl standing in front of him. It looks like they're having a good time, because Dylan is smiling and nodding.</p><p>" It's in November though. Just have some time to think about it. " I hear him say and he looks past the girl's shoulder. His gaze shifts from me to her.</p><p>" Meet you there tomorrow? " she asks. Dylan nods and his eyes never leave mine. The girl turns on her heel, only to be surprised by who she sees. And so am I.</p><p>Robyn.</p><p>" Didn't see you there, " she nervously smiles.</p><p>" I wish it had stayed that way. " I roll my eyes hoping she will notice. All she does is turns to my crush and says,</p><p>" I haven't hugged you today yet."</p><p>My mouth opens slightly. " Dylan I'll catch you later. Or never."</p><p>With a frown I make my way to the classroom where my last lesson of the day is. It's tempting to look back and watch his or Robyn's reaction, but I control myself. Okay, just one time. I take a peak. Yep, they're hugging.</p><p>Dylan and Robyn. I knew it! I should have stayed away from nerds. You never know what is up their sleeve. They're probably planning a wedding for November or something. How stupid am I? Trying so hard, putting so much effort into every guy I like. No matter how much effort I put it, It's always the same. Dumb fucking nerd. Dumb-</p><p>I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder. It causes me to flinch.</p><p>" What you said...What was that supposed to mean?" Dylan softly asks.</p><p>" Robyn has the nerves to be all mushy with you when I'm around?" I spit out. He lets go of my arm and his face isn't as calm.</p><p>"She's a friend."</p><p>"No she's a bitch."</p><p>He's taken aback from what I said. Sweet little thing ain't sweet no more. But god, he will tell Robyn I said that about her. No more bowling nights and car rides for me.</p><p>"Wait. I'm the bitch. She did nothing wrong, bye." I continue to walk, aiming to the location where Devon's locker is.</p><p>On my way I see people I know and don't hesitate to say hi to them. I've barely spoken to some of them this school year. Many things have changed.</p><p>"I heard what Evan said to you."</p><p>I'm getting followed, huh.</p><p>" And I heard what Robyn said to you."</p><p>I'm sure he's annoyed by now. We stop near my destination. To make sure I don't make things worse between us, I change the topic. I pull out the paper from between my books.</p><p>'' I found this in my locker. Weird, I never give my locker combo to anybody."</p><p>Dylan leans over to me to see the paper better. A few of his hairstrands brush against my forehead.'' I put that there.''</p><p>The note says</p><p>
  <em>Mari, I hope ur doing better today. Meet me after skool hehe</em>
</p><p>This is his handwriting. It has to be. My mind turns and twists the words written black on white, eyes scanning each word until it doesn't look like a word anymore. It wasn't there this morning, so he must have put it there</p><p>'' You broke into my locker? How did that happen?''</p><p>'' No I- It's hard to explain.'' he smooths his hair out with his fingers for the thousandth time. ''So should I wait for you?''</p><p>'' Hell yeah.'' I fold the paper back up and put it into my pocket. '' Can you believe I'm one year away from being an adult? Just one more week. A fiesta with my family. I haven't sent out inventations. What I <em>did</em> do, was plan out what music will be played.''</p><p>''That's the most important part.'' </p><p>At last, Devon shows up. She raises her eyebrows at me in expectancy. I nod my head happily. She's relieved.</p><p>'' Hey Mari Kle- I mean Hey Mari <em>and</em> Klebold.'' she says, grinning. Mari Klebold - I like the sound of that.</p><p>'' Why are you calling me by my last name?'' Dylan awkwardly folds his long arms. He smiles, looking down at Dev.</p><p>'' And why not <em>Klebold</em>?''</p><p>Their conversation makes me chuckle. The chuckle grows into a full blown laughter.</p><p>'' What's so funny?'' Devon asks with a wobbly smile.</p><p>I try to catch my breath, '' Imagine a well.''</p><p>'' Yeah, and?'' she looks to the side.</p><p>Dylan nudges her. '' That's the point of the joke.''</p><p>The laugher starts again. '' Shut up, no it isn't!" I playfully hit his arm." So - the well, in the middle of nowhere, with a vacuum coming out of it. '' My gaze shifts from Dev to Dylan a few times with an open mouthed smile.</p><p>I clap my hands together perhaps way too loud. '' Well that sucks!''</p><p>Dylan can't help but chuckle while Devon covers her forehead with her hand.</p><p>A second passes and Devon joins in on the laughter. '' Good lord, Dylan who is this girl? We don't know her, let's go.'' Right as she says that, the bell rings.</p><p>'' Now this really does suck.''</p><p>Can't wait to get home. Jenna's car isn't in its usual parking space. How stupid of me to think she'd even want to waste a second with me, after I made her angry. Angry because I talk to someone who is judged and hated in school by majority of people. I'm lucky enough to have had Zack drive me to school this morning. He goes with Devon and they had no problem with it. The random phrases I say while I'm still half asleep don't seem to be bothering them. In fact, Devon insisted they take me to school every morning if Jenna keeps being a bitch.</p><p>No more Jenna and me. No more our friendship, the sleepovers, parties with jocks. No more gossiping, no more date set ups with cute guys.</p><p>I notice Dylan's car still parked in the senior parking lot. He should have been home by now, It's too late for him to be here.</p><p>He's inside, tapping on the steering wheel,muffled music can be heard. His eyes are covered by the black sunglasses, yet I can feel him looking at me.</p><p>I knock on his window, which he rolls down, "Hey."</p><p>'' Uh- hi? I thought you ended two hours ago?'' I scrunch my face up.</p><p>'' I did.''</p><p>My muscles relax. '' So are you here for me?''</p><p>'' Yeah.'' The way he says it with delicacy,coming off almost as a whisper. A spark tickles my chest.</p><p>No way did he have enough patience to wait. This is a dream. Snap out of it!</p><p>'' May I ask why Mr. One Sentence?" my eyes search for his.</p><p>'' I thought you wanted talk it out.''</p><p>'' Oh. '' He must really care about me if he did that. But my stomach sinks. '' Dylan I don't feel like talking about it, it's like opening a fresh wound.''</p><p>He looks dissapointed. Poor boy, I wonder what's going on inside his mind.</p><p>I make my way over to the passenger side, and get in. A pleasant warmth hugs my otherwise cold body. The weather could've been better for October in Littleton.</p><p>'' But I will stay with you. Since you were so good to me," I hit his shoulder playfully.</p><p>He rolls up his window and sits still, waiting for me to continue talking so that he doesn't have to.</p><p>'' Let's go somewhere else!'' I enthusiastically say.</p><p>He starts the engine, '' Yeah I don't want to stay on the school grounds.''</p><p>I sugguest we should drive around the town like we did before. I jab about random things on my mind just to get him to not talk about Friday. I've felt the strange awkwardness between us all day.</p><p>'' Are you close with Robyn?'' I watch his left hand swerve the steering wheel. For some reason, that makes my thighs burn. So hot.</p><p>'' As friends, yes. She's a good friend.''</p><p>I shake my head in disbelief. '' Good friends don't say <em>that</em> to each other.''</p><p>Silence.</p><p>'' Was Evan the guy who uh.. you know..'' Dylan mumbles after a while.</p><p>'' The moment I saw him today I knew it was him. He got me fired too.''</p><p>'' Uhuh, " Dylan nods his head in understanding.</p><p>'' I worked at Burger King before. It was my first stable job for 5 months. Hell, who would want a life like that? A 9 to 5 job. Don't you just want to run away into another country and live in a trailer? Like the ones in Nevada. That's a plan! Away from these boring people.''</p><p>Dylan chuckles lightly. '' Why Nevada? There are trailer parks in many other states. I'd sugguest Arizona.''</p><p>I tilt my head,'' Hey, it was on the tip of my tounge so I said it. If I had to analyze every single thing I said I wouldn't- oh look it's raining!''</p><p>My finger pokes the window. Raindrops slide down one by one, creating long wet lines.</p><p>'' That's right, '' he agrees, like he has nothing else to say.</p><p>An annoying song passes. Dylan keeps changing radio stations. But one song I actually enjoy comes on. Dylan reaches for the radio again with a sigh. I slap his hand away.</p><p>"Don't you dare turn it off! It's like rain on your wedding day...'' my awful singing voice amuses him. Cracked, imperfect, fake falseto.</p><p>'' It's a free ride once you've already been," he mockingly sings like a woman.</p><p>I clap my hands. '' Perfect! Higher pitch though!''</p><p>'' Can't go any higher than that.'' His laughter is full of self-consciousness.</p><p>The topic of getting high comes up, to which we discuss when, with who, how and where our first time was. It seems as if Dylan is holding back on information, refusing to say with who it was. He is surprised when I tell him I only did it once. Apparently I can be easily compared to a stoner girl.</p><p>'' Does that mean that I act high?'' My eyebrows shoot up.</p><p>'' Will you hit me if I say yes?''</p><p>I smile kindly at him, '' No.''</p><p>'' Then yes.''</p><p>A slap lands on his arm. Second or third time in one day. He rubs the spot and fake-sobs. Then we laugh about it.</p><p>After we've driven to every last part of the town in silence, I ask '' What are you thinking about?''</p><p>'' Not much. " </p><p>'' Really? I thought the opposite. You're a virgo. You tend to overthink.''</p><p>Dylan snaps his fingers and whistles to the melody of whatever song is playing on the radio.</p><p>'' Brooks told me Eric is an angry kid. I've never seen him in that light.''</p><p>'' Brooks?'' his eyebrows shoot up as he keeps focusing on the road ahead.</p><p>'' Yeah I thought it was odd too because we were talking about philosophy and all of sudden he goes <em>oh Eric threatened to kill me</em>.''</p><p>With disturbing calmness he says, '' That's just how Eric is.''</p><p>'' He was never that way with me. "</p><p>'' How much have you been with him altogether? 20 minutes of interaction," Dyl chuckles.</p><p>'' Less than that. Turn it down to 10 minutes honey.''</p><p>Whoops, I said it out loud.</p><p>'' Right... honey, " he plays along.</p><p>'' What was that?'' I pretend to not hear the last word.</p><p>His head shakes.'' Oh nothing. I said there's a bunny.''</p><p>I gasp and look out of the window.'' Where?''</p><p>Nothing to be seen, just building after building and strangers passing by, dressed in shades of gray.</p><p>His beautiful, heartfelt laughter fills the air. Now I have a plan.</p><p>I point across the street, nearly jumping out of the car. '' Oh my god, Jesus Christ, Mary and all other saints! Look! A monster truck!''</p><p>He keeps his head straight but a smile appears on his lips. He waits for what I do next. And I flip him off. Knowing he's having the time of his life with me, he doesn't mind it.</p><p>Now with a straight face he asks, "Are you really doing alright after all that's happened?"</p><p>" Do I not seem alright?" I say. "Okay, truth be told - worst sexual experience ever."</p><p>"I'm sorry to hear that."</p><p>"It's whatever, surely not the last time that's happened."</p><p>"Do your parents know?"</p><p>I'm shocked by his question." God, would you ever tell something that embarassing to your parents?"</p><p>"No. I guess not," he says.</p><p>"It's getting better now that I'm with you. I hope you know that, " I search for a reaction from him, only to find an ear to ear smile plastered on his face.</p><p>"I do now Mari," the way he says my name is music to my ears. I wish he could say it in every sentence he says.</p><p>"When you say my name I get all warm inside. You know Leonard Cohen right?"</p><p>"Yeah, heard of him probably from my parents. Why?"</p><p>"I was named after one of his songs. It's called So Long, Marianne. Were you named after someone?"</p><p>"My mom told me I was named after Dylan Thomas, a poet."</p><p>"That's <em>poetic</em>. You know, the song with my name is about a breakup. Funny because I've had plenty of them," I scoff.</p><p>Dylan looks at me with love and understanding. Has he had a girlfriend before? Would that be too forward to ask? Nah, he most likely didn't.</p><p>I sugguest he tells me something about myself. The whole time I've felt like I have been talking to a wall.</p><p>" Well, what would you like to know?"</p><p>"Anything just talk to me please. Tell me something stupid. "</p><p>" A random fact it is then. I played the drums as a kid. I was in a band with Brooks. "</p><p>"Aw little Dylan," I struggle to contain my excitement and rub the back of my hand against his cheek. "Drums are so cool. I play the guitar but music in general makes me happy."</p><p>"Music is an escape," Dylan agrees.</p><p>"You know what would make me happier, though?"</p><p>"Um, no?"</p><p>"You at my birthday party."</p><p>He doesn't notice the red light at first and slams on the brakes when it's nearly too late. '' Shit.''</p><p> I go into a fit of laughter. The drivers on either sides are concerned about it, checking in turning their heads at me. I wave at them. Dylan sighs, fighting back a smile.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. CH8// Adore</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gold streamers are covering the whole back wall of our dining room. Candle holders with tall lit candles on them, placed on the long oak table, create a cosy atmosphere. My mom thought it would be a genious idea to borrow one extra wooden table from our neighbors. I arranged dishware on the table by myself while mother took care of the main meal. </p>
<p>To spice up the mundane activity for myself, I made my own rules. Everything will be on the right side. Everyone in my family is right-handed so they won't mind. Dylan will have everything on the left side however, because I noticed he does majority things with his other hand. I did just make a dirty joke out of something not that dirty. Napkins under the plate, not the other way around. If it was all up to me, people would eat with their hands like in Africa. Less stressful that way. Table manners my ass. </p>
<p>Every year I have a birthday party like this - friends and family combined. We eat dinner together, have a cake, talk and enjoy our time. My 17th birthday is no different, in that way. Jenna won't be coming. My first party without her (if you can even call it that). It was a tradition for us to be together on our birthdays since middle school. If she isn't coming then our other mutual 'friends' aren't either. Who was I left with? Devon and Dylan. </p>
<p>Last year, ten people who I barely knew. This year, two people who I dearly love. </p>
<p>A few loud knocks on the front door echo in the entrance hall. Before opening it, I nibble on a red velvet cupcake. Whatever, there's more than enough of them.</p>
<p>'' Hey everyone!''</p>
<p>My extended family greets me back with warm smiles. The guests showed up wearing sophisticated clothes and then there's me - yellow plaid pants and a white sweater. Talk about being comfortable in your own house.</p>
<p>"Mari!" my three year old cousin Abby wiggles in aunt Rebecca's arms.</p>
<p>I pinch her cold red cheeks. "Hello my most favorite person in the whole family!" She playfully giggles.</p>
<p>After my parents greet everyone with a two kisses on each cheek, we let them settle down. The presents they brought for me make their place in the living room for now.</p>
<p>My other auntie, Linda, holds my face. A pleasant smell of luxurious perfume travels up my nostrils. She doesn't have a husband and kids to take care of, no wonder she can afford that and designer clothes. '' I haven't seen you in years. You're such a woman!'' She steps back to get a better look at me.</p>
<p>'' Thank you I get that quite often.'' My face heats up.</p>
<p>Uncle Michael pats my back with a smile on his face, '' Look at you all grown up.''</p>
<p>I gaze up at him, '' You sure do look atleast 5 years older than the last time I saw you.'' </p>
<p>Everybody laughs, but my mom gives me a cold stare. <em>No joking on your birthday! How dare you make this day joyful!</em></p>
<p>It doesn't take long for the knocking to repeat. I offer to open the door.</p>
<p>Devon, wearing a sparkly t-shirt and beige coat and holding a colorful box, is standing in ahead of Dylan. He's exactly the same as everyday, an AOL t-shirt under his duster covering his upper body. Guess birthdays don't mean much to him as well. But the sight of them - my real friends - is enough to make me smile from ear to ear.</p>
<p>'' Hello birthday girl!'' Devon greets me with open arms. Dylan awkwardly stands back, disconnecting himself from these affectionate gestures.</p>
<p>'' Yay I was so excited to see you guys!" I let them come in and close the door. Dyl takes off his duster before helping Devon with her coat. The care they have for each other, even just as friends, lights a bonfire in my heart.</p>
<p>'' Are we late?'' Devon observes the place. My extended family is impatiently waiting for the main course and cake. Mom and dad catching them up on the latest news about me.</p>
<p>'' Nope it's just that they always come atleast half an hour before the official start. You're right on time.''</p>
<p>Dylan and I stand face to face. "Hey Mari."</p>
<p>"Hey Dyl," I keep my eyes locked on his soft lips.</p>
<p>Devon stands in between us,one hand behind her back. '' Have the absolutely best birthday ever." Her voice gets quiet," I brought you two presents. One is in this box and the other one right behind me.''</p>
<p>I pull her into a quick embrace again. '' Aw, thank you Devvy.'' I take the present from her and thank her once again.</p>
<p>Dylan comes closer to me, '' I'll give you mine later. If that's alright with you.''</p>
<p>'' Totally is, but I'll be nervous about it all evening, '' I wink at him.</p>
<p>We walk into the dining room. Everyone else is already seated. I introduce them both to my family in a proper way. Devon has been over to my house a couple times, but hasn't met my all of my family yet. My parents are killing him with a stare colder than ice.  I try to hold back laughter when he stutters while saying "Nice to meet you".</p>
<p>My grandpa puts his glass of water down. " Boy, you better get a haircut!"</p>
<p>It makes everyone ease up a bit. Everyone but Dylan, as he is looking down, being his shy self. Yet a small smile forms on his face. My parents don't look too happy at the sight of my guy friend. </p>
<p>I take both of my friends by their hands and pull them towards my seat.</p>
<p>'' You guys will be next to me. No questions.''</p>
<p>They take places on either sides. Dylan by my right, Devon by my left. Perfect.</p>
<p>The very casual topics are disected. Such as, <em>Mari you've grown up so much! Did you bake the cake all by yourself? Is this your boyfriend?</em> And memories from when my family memebers were 17. Nothing worse than these mundane stuff. Dylan is barely saying anything and his leg is nervously going up and down.</p>
<p>The long awaited food gets served. We immediately dig in, as if we haven't eaten for days. Especially the blonde boy, who eats everything he sees. I'm getting nervous there won't soon be any food left for others. He's putting the meat on his plate one by one. My dad is rather amused by this.</p>
<p>'' Dylan... Jesus Christ. You eat so much, '' I stare with a half open mouth, watching him take fourth piece of meat from the silver platter.</p>
<p>'' Language, Mari, '' mom warns me, sitting at the head of the table.Guests seem not to care about my behavior.</p>
<p>'' Almost as much as you, " dad looks over at me from the opposite side of where my mom is sitting.</p>
<p>'' Dad, I'm not capable of eating 3 portions of the same meal in fifteen minutes." I put the last piece of food in my mouth. "More like sixteen. ''</p>
<p>After dinner, we're sitting by the table. Our stomachs full. Yet I'm impatient for the cake. Abby keeps running around us and being a usual three year old.</p>
<p>'' How's school going ? You're a junior now right?'' my mom's sister sparks up a conversation.</p>
<p>'' Yes. It's going normal. It doesn't feel any different from last year.'' I lie through my teeth, cringing inside.</p>
<p>My mother sighs dramatically. '' I remember being 17 as if it was yesterday...That was the age when I met John, " she lovingly looks at my dad.</p>
<p>'' Oh Anna!" the other auntie exclaims, "I met Michael around that time too.''</p>
<p>'' It runs in the family then.'' my mom's sister adds.</p>
<p>Grandma smiles at me, like she knows exactly what it means to be a teenager in love. '' Which means you're next,dear.''</p>
<p>All eyes on me. Some surprised, some cheerful.</p>
<p>'' Is there a lucky boy in your life?'' grandpa asks.</p>
<p>'' There might be, I just don't know if he's the lucky one." I take Devon's hand and squeeze it." Or maybe he doesn't know.''</p>
<p>Dylan shifts in his seat and runs his hand through his hair.</p>
<p>Mom puts her fork down, making a clink sound against the empty plate. '' If I was in your shoes I'd focus on school more." She speaks through her teeth." Later in life you'll realize that love isn't all you need.'' </p>
<p>Dylan swallows audibly. Not one muscle in his body relaxed.</p>
<p>To avoid making any more mess out of this, mom gets up to collect our plates and put them in the sink.</p>
<p>Aunt Linda the savior changes the topic. '' Any idea what you want to do in life? Except for a nurse?''</p>
<p>'' Auntie, I said that when I was 8. Had a change of plans a million times and now I'm pretty sure something with sociology...or psychology...hmm... reporter. All are interesting but I like the first one the most. It's my favorite subject at school too. ''</p>
<p>'' That's different from what most of our family is doing, " the environmental scientist that is my dad comments.</p>
<p>'' Yes. I like different." I lean back in my chair, "Different is good.''</p>
<p>Abby walks over to me, a little clumsy but she makes it. "Mari can I sit?" Her tiny hands slap my leg.</p>
<p>"You want to sit on my knees? Come here, " I pick her up and get her seated exactly how she wanted.</p>
<p>I introduce her to Devon. She shakes her hand sloppily.</p>
<p>Dev grins, "She's so adorable."</p>
<p>"I know right?"</p>
<p>Abby turns to the other side, where Dylan is. They stare at each other for a moment, not saying anything. I get scared he will make her cry.</p>
<p>Dylan's hair must confuse her, because she starts saying, "Girl!"</p>
<p>She reaches out to him. I pull her closer to me.</p>
<p>I tilt my head to see her face. "No that's a boy sweetie. His name is Dylan. Say it."</p>
<p>"Dylan!"</p>
<p>That makes him smile like a dork, scrunched up nose and a wide ear-to-ear grin. My favorite smile.</p>
<p>"She looks so tiny compared to you" Devon says to Dyl and tickles Abby's cheek. '' You're a giant.''</p>
<p>" Mari, come take pictures with everyone!" my mother calls out.</p>
<p>"Here I'll take her, " Abby's mom Rebecca picks her up.</p>
<p>"You are coming with me. I want you in my pictures, " I drag both of my friends with me in front of the decorated golden wall.</p>
<p>Family by family, everybody gets to have a picture with me. It gets annoying fast. That is, until I start making random poses and faces. Mom insists dad takes a photo of me blowing out the seventeen candles. Devon whispers,</p>
<p>" What did you wish for?"</p>
<p>" World peace or you know who or both," I whisper back and can't hold back a smile.</p>
<p>Dad takes a step back to get a better view. " One more photo!"</p>
<p>Aunt Rebecca tries to hold Abby back, but unsuccessfully. Abby runs right to me and hugs my leg.</p>
<p>" Give her to me" aunt Rebecca says quietly but I refuse.</p>
<p>An idea pops up in my mind. I pick my niece up slowly, as she's not the smallest baby anymore. Devon stands by my right side, Dylan on the left side. As Abby turns to Dyl again and reaches out for his long locks, a flash blinds us.</p>
<p>An unexpected, heartfelt chuckle leaves his mouth. Abby keeps touching his hair, messing it up. Only when her mom takes her, it stops.</p>
<p>I wonder what our children would look like. Does he even want one? God, I'm thinking too much.</p>
<p>I get to choose who the first slice of the red velvet cake will belong to. And it's, for reasons obvious to me and Dev but not anyone else, Dylan.</p>
<p>Grandma catches everybody's attention. " Why don't you tell us about your boyfriend here." Her glance shifts from me to the boy sitting beside me. I already said it once, dammit.</p>
<p>A small sigh rolls down my lips. "Dylan's not my boyfriend, grandma. He's a friend. We met through Devon. However-"</p>
<p>"Sweetie, where is Jenna?" mom asks, perplexed.</p>
<p>"Oh she had to work a long shift today,unfortunately." I lie through my teeth.</p>
<p>'' You said she was struggling to find a job?''</p>
<p>'' That was a few months ago. She works at..uh... I don't know what the place is called but it's not too far from Burger King, " I fumble with the edge of the tablecloth.</p>
<p>'' Would you like to explain why you got fired?'' my dad teases, knowing I'd rather not talk about it.</p>
<p>I straighten my shoulders back, head up high.'' For standing up for myself when no one else did.''</p>
<p>Dad takes note of my annoyed tone. '' Young lady,watch your attitude.''</p>
<p>'' I said it how it really is, like it or not, " I cross my arms on my chest. Devon and others are  confused. </p>
<p>'' Don't be rude to your father!'' mom slams her fist on the table.</p>
<p>'' Sorry pére.'' I pull out my best french skills. It's fun using random phrases and words whenever I find it suitable.</p>
<p>As every dad being curious about his daughter's male companion, mine is no different.</p>
<p>'' Dylan, what grade are you in?''</p>
<p>'' I'm a senior, sir,'' his voice is timid.</p>
<p>'' Are you going to college? ''</p>
<p>This will be a long evening.</p>
<p>'' Yes, I have four universities picked out and already sent in the applications.''</p>
<p>'' What major?''</p>
<p>'' Computer science. Anything to do with computer is good ,really.''</p>
<p>He further explains that the University of Arizona is his biggest goal to get into. Every once in a while, between exchanges of words with my family members, he gives me a side glance and a reassuring smile. I've never felt more comfortable in his presence.</p>
<p>My uncle and him share the same passion for baseball. I wouldn't have guessed he enjoys a sport. After all, he geniounly hates jocks.</p>
<p>From my observation, it took Dylan a long while to get comfortable enough to start talking. Atleast he isn't shy about eating.</p>
<p>I share my traveling experiences with the rest of the family. '' And when we were in Italy two years ago, there was this market. They sold different stuff like, you know, clothes and jewelry. An old man was selling this beautiful piece,'' I hold out one necklace hanging around my neck for everyone to see. '' It was for a ridiculous price. I was like, hey this isn't like in India where you argue about the price but I thought, why not try? So I started setting the price lower and lower and he disagreed. The thing is, I was arguing in French instead of Italian! He didn't understand anything and argued back in his native language! It was like two retards talking.''</p>
<p>A sudden laughter echoes through the place. Devon nudges me.</p>
<p>" He keeps looking at you Mari!"</p>
<p>My eyebrows furrow together. " I've noticed. So what?"</p>
<p>"So what?'' she says with attitude, '' He's infatuated with you dammit!"</p>
<p>If my heart was racing with a Ferrari car right now, it would win. It climbs up my throat and makes me feel a lump I can't seem to get rid of.</p>
<p>The attention goes to one of milion other grandpa's stories from the hippie '60s. I take it as an opportunity to focus on my friends.</p>
<p>" What was he saying on your way here? Tell me tell me tell me!" I ask Dev.</p>
<p>" Kept to himself. Seemed nervous but that can only be a good sign.'' Her lips mold into a smile.'' I can tell when he likes a girl. And he sure likes you."</p>
<p>The guests are going home. I run to embrace my grandmother before anyone else. My favorite person in the family right after Abby. It's difficult saying goodbye to the people I love so much. Not even my cousin wants to go. A traditional exchange of silly jokes with all family members has to happen. Including one with uncle Michael,</p>
<p>" Hopefully when we come again next year you'll have a wedding ring on your finger! "</p>
<p>It makes me frown. " Don't even joke about that. <em>Hopefully</em> when you come again next year you'll still have your ring."</p>
<p>They're gone. My heart feels heavy. So many things left unsaid. But hey, atleast my friends are still here. Before getting to the boring part of the day, the cleaning up, me and Devon have a lot of fun posing in front of the camera. Dylan leaves the house to get something from his car and my dad follows him with a cigarette box in his hand. Of course. I hope they won't fight.</p>
<p>Devon watches me gather all plates and stack them. " We can stay a bit longer then Dylan's taking me home. Need help with anything?"</p>
<p>I wave my hand whatever. " Oh you don't have to do anything. You're the guest. "</p>
<p>" Devon, please take those plates to the sink,'' my mom says from the kitchen,''Mari, get the glasses."</p>
<p>We both do as she orders. When I'm alone with my mom in the kitchen, I say,</p>
<p>" Great. Taking advantage of my friends now? "</p>
<p>She gives me a kiss on the forehead. " Hey, she offered. That can't be rejected. "</p>
<p>With a heavy, weary step I return to the dining room to gather more dishware. Dylan's messing around with spare candles.</p>
<p>'' Dylaaan wait! '' I run to grab the camera. When he sees it, he immediatly knows what to do. With a lighter that was placed right next to the many candles, he lights one again.</p>
<p>'' Okay now blow it!'' He does what I say and I take the photo in the right moment.</p>
<p>'' Great. This will hang on my wall of fame forever. Can't wait to get it developed. "</p>
<p>'' Wall of fame ? '' he looks a little lost.</p>
<p>'' I have one wall in my room that's covered with photos of people I like. Not in a creepy way. It's mainly posters of Courtney Love but uh-'' I explain.</p>
<p>He stares at my lips for too long.'' That's cool.''</p>
<p>'' Not sure if you know her but she's been accused of killing her husband Kurt Cobain. That's, in my opinion, a lot of bullsh-''</p>
<p>'' Marianne Larson!'' mom yells out.</p>
<p>'' Bullshit, '' I whisper to Dylan nevertheless.He chuckles.</p>
<p>Devon joins us and I go to pick up all the boxes laying around.</p>
<p>'' Mind helping me carry all these presents to my room guys?''</p>
<p>As we're walking up the stairs with a handful of colorful presents, Dev asks, '' What is up with you and Jenna?''</p>
<p>'' Don't ask me, ask her. I feel like she just needs some time alone, so I gave it to her. ''</p>
<p>'' Time alone?'' Devon stops in front of the door to my room. '' For what?''</p>
<p>I open it with my free hand. '' Listen, I have no idea. Maybe it's because I spend more time with another group.'' I let them enter first.</p>
<p>'' You have to stop letting everyone jump on your head.'' Devon puts them all the boxes on my bed.</p>
<p>'' It's hard though because I care so much. We were friends for years.'' My head shakes. The blond boy is still standing in the doorway, looking for somewhere to put the stuff down.</p>
<p>'' Leave it there, " I point at the bare corner of my nook. Devon offers to bring the remaining presents and leaves us alone. Thanks a lot.</p>
<p>Dylan and I steal glances from across the room. He looks at me for two seconds, I make sure to stare for five. He stares longer than that, I stare the longest. A red blush colors his cheeks.</p>
<p>He takes out a cigarette from the pocket of his light colored jeans, along with a silver zippo, "Can I?"</p>
<p>'' You can smoke here. I'll just open the window, '' he swallows every word I say, watching my mouth intently. I grab the window handle and pull it up. Cold wind whistles,making me shiver.</p>
<p>'' Your parents won't mind?'' he says, waiting for complete reassurance.</p>
<p>'' They will but I won't. Go ahead.''</p>
<p>He stands next to me by the window. We stare out onto the street. Street lamps flicker. One cigarette between his lips and he locks it in, lighting it up. Faint smoke dances through the air and out of the window when he exhales. Just now my focus falls on what seems to be the plastic case of a CD in his grasp.</p>
<p>'' So, " I drag the word," you said something about giving me the gift later?''</p>
<p>'' Yeah, shit," he rushes his speech. He hands me the CD and my fingers brush against his." Here you go.''</p>
<p>'' Adore? Oh my god!'' I jump up in excitement and embrace Dylan tight. He's only barely touching my lower back, holding a cigarette away from me with his other hand.</p>
<p>Evan... Kissing me... Unzipping his pants...</p>
<p>I flinch slightly.He takes note of this and stops touching me. His face shows he is unsure of what to do. I have to make him feel comfortable or else he will never be close to me again.</p>
<p>'' You deserve a hundred more hugs for this'' I grab his thin jaw and look him straight into the light blue eyes.</p>
<p>'' You're welcome. Are you okay?" he says, sounding unsure of himself.</p>
<p>I nod softly. "I most certainly am, especially right now." I bite my lips. Do I kiss him now? No, it's not the right time. Will there ever be a right time ,though? Probably. The kiss would ruin everything right now.</p>
<p>Devon stops in her tracks as she enters the room again. '' Woah did I miss something?'' I quickly pull away from him. She jokes about how my room turned into a smoker's pit and that it's not a good idea to smoke inside. Such a mother.</p>
<p>I sprint to her.</p>
<p>'' Look what he got me!" I shove the gift to her face." I've been wanting this for so long. Dude,'' I grin at him, '' that must've cost a lot of money.''</p>
<p>Dylan gives me a sympathetic smile. '' It's no problem, trust me.'' And takes another drag.</p>
<p>'' I do trust you.''</p>
<p>Devon smiles at our exchange of words. I'm sure she senses that something is up. It's getting late and dark outside. When Dylan finishes his cigarette, I close the window. Otherwise I'd freeze to death. My thin sweater isn't helping much. His hug would warm me up much better. </p>
<p>Devon taps on her watches to show Dyl the time. '' Hurry quacker, we have to go. ''</p>
<p>We stand in the entrance hall. I wait for them to get ready to leave. Dylan handles his duster with so much care. I can only wish he would be that gentle with me when we do <em>it</em>. Maybe one day.</p>
<p>'' I can't thank you enough for this wonderful evening you guys. I'm getting emotional! Come here'' I say, a cold electric shock traveling through my veins. I hug Devon as tight as I can. Words can't express how grateful I am. Devon leaves first, probably wanting me to have an alone moment with my crush again. Dylan is just about to exit when I grab the fabric of his black duster. He stands still.</p>
<p>'' Dylan. Again, thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart, " his face is very close to mine. I feel his breath and warmth on me.</p>
<p>'' Enjoy it Mari. Seventeen looks great on you," it comes out as a whisper.</p>
<p>'' It looks even better on you old man, '' I lose my grip on his clothing. He walks to his car with that bouncy step, barely having control of his long limbs. One last wave. It feels bittersweet having to close the door, and hearing them drive away.</p>
<p>Later that night, my mom found it would be a brilliant idea to check everything I got for my birthday. She can't miss out on sharing her thoughts about everyone, especially my friends. I don't care, but listen anyway.</p>
<p>" Devon is a very nice, polite girl, " she says, standing in the middle of my room. I'm brushing out my hair from my hairdo, sitting on the floor in front of a full lenght mirror.</p>
<p>"Dylan, however... Honey you two are so different.'' Her voice sharply changes. '' He is very quiet. Does he talk to you at all?"</p>
<p>"He just felt uncomfortable." I can't imagine what was going through his head before they arrived, but I assume he was nervous as fuck.</p>
<p>Mom always takes things like that as an insult. "Uncomfortable? Are we not good enough for him? Didn't he have enough food? "</p>
<p>I could have chosen a better word for it. Whatever, too late now.</p>
<p>"Mom! What's your point?" I stand up and throw my hairbrush on the floor carelessly.</p>
<p>"I tell you what my point is. Your grades, your job. Rather, lack of job. Fix it before you do anything else," she leans in to kiss the top of my head but I dodge. '' Or fall in love.''</p>
<p>"I said it 10 times this evening already but I will repeat it again.'' I'm already done with her bullshit. My voice raises. '' He is not my date, we just started talking when school started." A big mistake.</p>
<p>''You have no right to talk to me like that!'' </p>
<p>I stare her dead into the eyes,'' I didn't even say half of what I wanted to say!"'</p>
<p> Without any last words said, she walks out of my room and shuts the door with a loud bang.</p>
<p>I take the present Dylan gave to me off the dresser. On the inside of the CD case is a tracklist. A small sticky note is plastered on the name of the first track. It reads '' To Mari ''. I remove it. It's covering the song <em>To Sheila</em>. How thoughtful of him. Another note at the bottom of the song list. '' For Mari'', concealing the song <em>For Martha</em>. I let out a heartfelt laugh. That's creative. I wouldn't have thought of that.</p>
<p>I run my finger over the cover again and again, knowing he touched it. My precious sunshine boy. If only he knew how much he means to me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. CH9// Shyness That Is Criminally Vulgar</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My birthday party has brought the three of us closer together. It ended on good terms, so good that me and Dylan have been chatting regularily since then. Over the phone and during lunch mainly, but still, it counts. It's been getting boring to me though. A change of environment is much needed. I want to take him to a place where we're free. Maybe then he will open up more.</p><p>The plastic chair I'm sitting on feels sturdy. Perhaps too much. What would happen If I broke in on accident? Would I be finally suspended? Blah, all this useless crap. And for what? I won't ever use circle theorems in real life. My dad struggles with basic math. It's better to be street smart than book smart.</p><p>"Now what exactly are tangent circles? They intersect at exactly one point..." the teacher keeps explaining.</p><p>Before this class I heard some girl mentioning a gothic party somewhere near Littleton. I'll have to ask around for details. I could go with Nate, he likes cool music. No, no. He has a girlfriend. <em>Dylan</em>. But he doesn't go to parties. Unless I ask nicely? Maybe he will go. Dev said that he can be a people pleaser. Am I a bad person for using him? God, I'm not using him. I'm trying to get him out of his comfort zone. Eric could go too but... Nah, he just ruins the atmosphere.</p><p>The teacher stops explaining and some classmates turn to me. " Ms. Larson, would you like to repeat what I just said?"</p><p>"Yeah. You were explaining the...geometry."</p><p>Muffled laughter can be heard around me.</p><p>Mrs. Hopkins puts her hands on each side of her hips. " I'd be very grateful if you focused more in my classes."</p><p>Bitch, you wouldn't know how to focus too if you were my age and in love with the most handsome guy in the entire universe. In every dimension. In every alternate universe. If only more people saw him that way. But then he would be busy flicking off other girls and not talking to me.</p><p>Hectic traffic of students is in the hallway, as usual. They talk over each other like there's no tomorrow and it rings in my head. My moves are extra careful as the tile floor is shiny, like it was just cleaned. I spot a familiar person in the crowd and hope it's the one I'm thinking of. If not, well, I couldn't care less. One more person to add into my list of ' <em>I don't know you enough to call you a friend but know well enough to say hi to when I see you</em>'.</p><p>"Nate!" I hope my scream is loud enough. Nate stops walking and waits for me to catch up.</p><p>"Mari, what's up?" he pulls me into a side hug.</p><p>"Do you by any chance have any information on whatever anyhow everywhere for any reason..."</p><p>He looks confused but chuckles."What did you just say?"</p><p>I shake my head. " I don't know dude. Sometimes I just start a sentence and hope it will finish up on its own."</p><p>" That's strange because I experience the same thing sometimes," he relates to me. Two weirdos.</p><p>" Anyway my question to you was meant to be... Do you know any details about some goth party happening today near Littleton? "</p><p>" I smell a date with Dylan," his eyebrows shoot up and I slap his arm.</p><p>Then I give him the sweetest smile. '' I smell not talking to you again.'' He chuckles but I stand my ground. " Just tell me and don't ask."</p><p>Surprisingly enough he knows more about it than I expected him to. I get out a notebook and a pen to write down the important stuff. That way I don't forget it in a second.</p><p>The school day is a drag. I don't dare to bring it up to him during lunch. Inbetween classes I pass time in the library. No amount of interesting information on the internet could distract me from thinking about Dylan.</p><p>Stepping outside, the cold late October wind plays with my hair. I make my way to the usual spot where Jenna waits for me. Another quiet ride home comes as no surprise. We exchange goodbyes and I walk into my empty house. In my room, the phone is waiting for me. One thing my parents didn't take after the whole getting-home-late-with-a-boy-my-age situation. Well, I'm only not allowed to use the family computer but it's not like I need it to live. I dial Dylan's number, which I have memorized perfectly.</p><p>I lay down on my bed. He picks it up after a few rings. I start talking immediately, notebook with useful information in my other hand.</p><p>'' Hey, I got this idea during class and I thought maybe you'd want to check out this place that's having a gothic night tonight? It's 18 and over but I think I can make myself look older. And they don't usually ask guys for IDs.''</p><p>He pauses before saying, '' If you really want to go then why not.''</p><p>I open my mouth in excitement.'' Pick me up at nine?''</p><p>Evening doesn't take a long time to come. I put my own spin on a gothic look,because the very few people at my school make it seem boring. Last final look in the mirror - my hair in atleast twenty small buns that make me look like an alien. My hips dissapear in my grandmom's old button-down red dress. A seventies piece that was too long for my liking, so I cut it right above my knees. The hem looks rough. Is that goth enough? Well, my purple eyeshadow covered eyes surely are.</p><p>Right when I pass by the living room, I know I'm fucked.</p><p>Dad lifts his eyes from a magazine he was reading.</p><p>"Are you going to a party again?"</p><p>"No. Just..." I pause to think, "going to the town with Jenna."</p><p>Dad gives me <em>the don't mess with me</em> look.</p><p>I jerk my foot too hard into the platform shoe. "I'll be back before midnight blah, blah, blah, whatever you say."</p><p>"Turn that attitude down or you're not going," mom says, appearing in the doorway.</p><p>I button up my black cardigan. Then my hands clasp together. "Oh my dear parents. I love you so much. You gave me life and I'm going to profoundly waste five hours of it in downtown Denver. Amen."</p><p>Mom isn't having any of it.</p><p>"A kiss on the cheek would have been enough."</p><p>I open the front door, scared to face the truth and my parents.</p><p>"Be safe!" dad yells after me, thinking I already headed out.</p><p>"Yeah whatever!"</p><p>Bang.</p><p>I meet up with Dylan at the end of our street, that way my parents can't see who's picking me up. He immediately compliments how great I look tonight. I tell him to come up with a more interesting compliment. That keeps him quiet for the whole ride. Shit, it's my fault. Failing again and again.</p><p>He parks his car in the parking lot around the corner.</p><p>'' Is this the place?'' Dylan asks about the building in front of us. A blue neon sign says the name of the club Nate mentioned, so it must be it. That's the only colorful thing about it. Everything else - door and walls, are black.</p><p>'' It looks really gloomy and dark,'' I say and Dylan nods.</p><p>He pulls the entrance door open for me and steps back, allowing me to get in first. No guards so far. Freedom.</p><p>When we enter, bright purple lights blind me. The music here is mellow,as expected. These people aren't wearing any other color except for black. Some dudes have spikey short hair, chicks have colorful locks which I'm jealous of. Yet most of them seem like they're not having fun at all, just stepping side to side or doing slow motion karate moves. Indifferent face expressions. Dylan is still behind me as I'm observing the place. Then I notice a bar with various bottles of alcohol lined up behind the bartender. My happy place that I'll hit up later.</p><p>I lean over to Dylan, talking over the extremely loud music.'' We are the two happiest people out of all of them. They are miserable. Good music,drinks, what more could they ask for? Let's go to the dance floor!'' I take him by the hand to the centre of action. </p><p>Right away I start swaying to the rhythm of what sounds like a Depeche Mode song. Dylan stands,facing me and just looking around. Soon after he joins me with the minimal movements. It feels rather satisfying to me to have him ease up, little by little, even when most of the time he is still his shy self. A group of teens, not too far away from us, go into a fit of laughter. Dylan immediately stops, comes closer to me and looks me in the eyes.</p><p>'' They're laughing at me.''</p><p>I slow down my dancing. ''What are you talking about?'' Behind him, that group hasn't noticed us one bit and are chatting with each other. '' Dyl they're not.''</p><p>He is reassured,but not enough to have the time of his life. A few more songs of dancing side to side and I'm headed for the drinks, leaving Dyl behind. The bartender seems suspicious but doesn't ask for my age and pours me a tequila without any problem. I must have convinced him I'm atleast twentyone with the way I look tonight. I feel my head spinning after just one drink and decide it's enough. But where's my tonight's dance partner?</p><p>I walk steadily through the crowd of dancing people. Brushing against the sweaty bodies is not too fun. It's hard to recognize faces as it's dark. Some seem familiar and I'm sure I've seen them somewhere. Careful not to hurt myself with their spiked chokers. Who let these dogs party? Woof.</p><p>I know where Dylan is the moment I see a tall ass person in trench coat, chilling on his own in a corner. Pressed against the black wall, his eyes appear half closed as if he was daydreaming. He looks so sweet, I hate to interrupt his eden.</p><p>'' This is a sleep-free zone, I'm afraid.'' And once again I convince him to dance with me, this time far away from the dance floor. I don't hold back. He's getting the technique down after a short time. I throw in some movements from my favorite Pulp Fiction scene, which he recognizes and mimicks Vincent, but rather poorly. Nate did a better job. We laugh at how stupid it is to mix that dance with the music that's playing.</p><p>"Spin me around like they do in classical dances!" I yell out at him, perhaps too loud.</p><p>"What?" he laughs, struggling to hear me through the loud bass and vocals. I lift up his arm and spin myself under our entwined hands. I fall into him and my head starts spinning even more. Am I tipsy on love? Must be the tequila. He lifts me back up.</p><p>I straighten my dress and posture before it gets awkward. Next song starts, and I swear I heard it before somewhere. But as I scan the full club thumping with music, I realize I can't even see straight and my eyes are lagging. </p><p>I grab him by his t-shirt, scrunching it up and it makes him a bit panicked.</p><p>'' God I can't come home drunk again, say something to sober me up!'' I yell through the music. He won't do it just like that, I know him well enough. ''I'll start. I hated you at first.''</p><p>Dylan, despite staring like he just got slapped, takes the opportunity to be as honest with me as I was with him.</p><p>"I'm in a juvenile diversion program,'' he mumbles, as if afraid of my reaction. '' I didn't want to tell you early on."</p><p>My eyes widen at the thought of him doing something morally wrong. "You what? You commited a crime is that how I'm supposed to understand it?"</p><p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>
    <em>I'm the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar. </em>
  </p>
</div><p><br/>He continues with a saddened face." I stole electronics from a van in January."</p><p>No. No. No!</p><p>"So you're a criminal," I shake my head in helplessness and step away from him.</p><p>"Yeah," he nods, staring down at his boots.  My breathing gets shallow. I pinch myself so harshly my nails dig into my skin.</p><p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>
    <em>You shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way? </em>
  </p>
</div><p><br/>" This can't be- I heard the rumor going around but I thought it was just that - a stupid rumor!" I scream at him,gaining attention of a couple of teens hanging around us.</p><p></p><div>
  <p>
    <em>I am human and I need to be loved</em>
    <br/>
    <em>Just like everybody else does</em>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>I watch him for a second, both of us speechless trying to figure out what to say. His chest is going up and down rapidly. Hating to stare at him, I burst out of the door. I kick them shut,not caring if Dylan is going after me or not. Right before the metal material touches the doorway, he presses against the door with all his weight and goes after me. I run to the nearest payphone by the building, put in a quarter and pick up the phone.</p>
</div><p>Dylan stands behind me, making me uncomfortable. Before I dial Jenna's number, I shout at his face, '' Leave me alone!''  </p><p>My mind is a blank space, I don't even know my name.Despite trembling, I manage to dial the number. The person on the other line picks up quickly as if they were right by their phone.</p><p>'' Jenna please come pick me up I'm in danger I fucked up I'm sorry for everything I love you, '' I blurt out and almost fall over. If I wasn't grabbing onto the side of the payphone I surely would have.</p><p>With disgust in her voice, Jenna says, '' I'm busy with Nathan right now. You sound drunk. Don't call me again.'' And with that, she hangs up. I almost drop the telephone when I'm putting it back.</p><p>So my best friend is with that dumb fuck. The one who bullies Dylan, Eric and many others. If she felt bad about me knowing Dylan,she has to feel shitty about herself kissing and fucking the biggest jerk I've ever known. I can't protect myself from him, Jenna doesn't give two fucks about me. The next few weeks or months, or however long their romance lasts, will be fucking hell. She has her way with guys and they can easily manipulate her to do anything. Maybe she's doing this to piss me off and get my attention. Nah, unlikely. It's never been that way between us, we've always been honest to each other. That is, until things changed.</p><p>A sudden light touch on my arm leaves me startled.</p><p>'' Oh god!" I scream in terror, breathless.</p><p>Dylan steps back. His eyes glisten in the moonlight. Is he on the verge of crying?</p><p>" Don't come near me you freak. Go to jail!'' I yell again, this time even louder.</p><p>'' You're right, '' he walks off, avoiding to show his face to me.</p><p>Wait. What am I doing? He feels like home, and I love feeling at home with people. The people I used to be surrounded with never paid attention to me the way Dylan does now, even when he has every right to be upset. So what if he did something bad, doesn't everyone? If I was the one who would get screamed at, I'd turn my back against them too. He's too good to me and already treats me an infinite number of times better than my so called ex-boyfriends did. I don't deserve him.</p><p>Dylan's already halfway through the parking lot next to the building. I'm frozen in the ground underneath me, unable to make a move.</p><p>I call after him, my shaky voice raised to make sure he hears me well.</p><p>'' I don't know what I'm saying and doing anymore. Shit, I'm so sorry for pushing you away. '' My lips shake in despair.</p><p>'' No it's my fault, " he refuses to listen to me and continues walking towards his car. I follow him. He gets inside the car, but leaves the door open.</p><p>He runs his fingers through the greasy hair once again. I search for words to say.</p><p>'' You were just being honest with me and look how I fucked it up! I'm gonna walk home you don't need to give me a ride, " I wave my hand whatever, ready to walk away.</p><p>'' Mari," he takes a quick look at me one more time, before shutting the door.</p><p>'' Dylan,'' his name comes out as a whisper, a plead for help.</p><p>He is either ready to drive away or needs time alone. God, who knows. I've never been with a shy guy. But this one - he's special.</p><p>I run for my life and open the passenger side. Sitting inside, the fabric of the seat warms me up just a bit. Dylan has no way to escape from me now. He surely knows this, looking elsewhere just not at me, hands gripping the steering wheel.</p><p>'' Let's talk it out,'' I sugguest.</p><p>He replies with a sharp '' Let's not talk about it anymore.''</p><p>I squint my eyes at him, and the words that left his mouth.</p><p>'' I mean it. I don't want to argue,'' he stands his ground no matter what. Finally, I lean back in the seat, giving up on ever wanting to fight.</p><p>'' Me neither. I never wanted to.''</p><p>The silence is strong enough to sober me up. As there's nothing much to do, I open up the glove box and search for something interesting to talk about. A cassette is in the far back. I reach out for it, and pull it out of there.</p><p>'' The Doors ? You like them?'' I keep observing it, while secretly wondering about what to say next.</p><p>'' Only a few songs. They're alright,'' he shrugs.</p><p>'' My dad has a huge collection of their vinyls and casettes, '' No response from him, as expected. The cassette goes back to where it was found and I close the glove box.</p><p>I look the boy next to me dead in the eyes, '' Dylan... I can sense that there's something you want to tell me but don't know how to say it.''</p><p>'' How do you know that?'' he half-smiles, trying to conceal his concern.</p><p>'' I used to do witchcraft. Sixth sense.'' As he is fidgeting with his left ring finger, a piece of jewelry catches my eye. '' You got a nice onyx ring. It means protection from harm and also it's associated with romance. But if worn too long , it can generate depression.''</p><p>Dylan raises his eyebrows at the amount of knowledge. '' Wow. I bought it simply because I liked the way it looks. Does that mean I have to sacrifice it or else it will make me kill myself?'' He chuckles.</p><p>'' Haha, funny. No, it's just all a matter of believing in what I told you. If you don't believe it, it won't do anything.''</p><p>'' Right," he's twisting and turning the ring on his finger.</p><p>I sigh and my eyes shift from him to my own fumbling hands. '' This will sound annoying but... I still think about that time you got called gay in the commons and I didn't do anything even though I could have.''</p><p>'' Don't worry about it.''</p><p>'' I will worry about it until the day I die. I could exactly imagine how humiliated you felt even though I never experienced anything close to it.''</p><p>'' Mari it's fine, not a big deal.'' He says, quite convicingly.</p><p>My voice starts to shake. '' I saw you walking out of there with your head down and you always do that and it just..." a lump gets stuck in my neck," makes my heart hurt.'' Tears well up my eyes. Before I can say anything else, they can't seem to stop running down my cheeks.I'm exhausted. I'm tired.</p><p> Dylan extends his arm towards me and rubs my back. His touch is like a feather, barely there. Sobs fill the car. He has no idea how much comfort that simple gesture brings.</p><p>I shake my head. '' I'm so stupid. All I wanted to do was run after you and tell you it will be okay.''</p><p>''I don't even think about it anymore. It's nothing.''</p><p>I wipe my tears with the back of my hand.'' Something tells me you're lying. But that something also told me you hate me for it and turns out that's not the case.''</p><p>'' I wouldn't hate you for that.'' He sounds shy, his voice low. Almost a whisper.</p><p>Looking at him, I can't help but fantasize about how good it would feel to be close to him.</p><p>'' I want to be close to you,'' I regret my words as soon as I say them, unsure of his response.</p><p>He looks taken aback, "You can."</p><p>I crash into his body, wrapping my arms around him. As my face is buried in his chest,I try hard not to cry. His chin presses against the top of my head. That's when I know it's real - my love for him. Not with a thousand words could I describe the way his closeness makes me feel. All the while I hope he feels the same.</p><p>'' Oh you're so warm,'' I manage to say, trembling from the amount of affection.</p><p>He hums into my hair and asks,''  Is this alright?'' I nod and he only squeezes me tighter. </p><p>I pull away from him just a tiny bit, to look up at his face. ''Do you mind if we stay like this a bit longer?'' </p><p>'' Not at all, let me comfort you some more,'' and his shaky hand gently pushes my head back into his chest. </p><p>That is more than enough for my heart to start beating like crazy.</p><p>Dylan asks me if I've given the Adore album a chance yet. I shake my head no, but then remember what he wrote on the tracklist. </p><p>'' What's your favorite song on the album? Is it <em>For Mari</em> or <em>To Mari</em>?'' I tease him.</p><p>'' No...'' his chuckle is timid. '' Perfect and Ava Adore are good.''</p><p>I push my head deeper into him,'' I <em>adore</em> you.'' My words come out muffled.</p><p>'' Huh?'' his grip loosens. I let go of him and sit back against my seat.</p><p>'' I said I adore you.'' I never break eye contact with him.</p><p></p><div>
  <p>Despite the tension between us growing more awkward every moment, I ask,'' Stupid question,but have you been bullied for a long time? I only started noticing like last year or something.''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He nods loosely. '' Since middle school. At Columbine it got worse. It's not as bad as Eric has it.''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I suck in my lips and look straight ahead of me,seeing the brick wall of the club. '' I saw the ketchup and tampon incident.'' With the corner of my eye I see Dylan's head drop. ''Trust me, I didn't laugh.''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>'' No?''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I shake my head in shame, knowing fully well I did, in fact, laugh.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>'' Who are the fuckers that bully you the most?'' I ask even though the answer is obvious.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>His fists clench,deciding whether or not it is a good idea to tell me. Just a couple weeks ago I was associating myself with them. '' Nathan Wilson and his group. Please don't get yourself in trouble because of me though. ''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Poor boy doesn't know I got fired from my job because I was defending him. Better not bring that up.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>'' How would you feel if I reported them to the principal? One can only handle so much teasing.''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>'' Don't. ''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>'' I'd be capable of doing it.''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>His sadness and anger is barely restrained. '' Please don't, they'll give us more hell.''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>The corners of my lips curl downward. Hurting him is the last thing I'd want to do.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> '' I like you so much. I hate knowing you're hurt.'' </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Silence. He snaps his fingers. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>In an instant, his expression changes. '' Should we go back inside ?''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>His quick mood swing doesn't irritate me one bit, actually I'm glad we won't be being our sappy selves all night.'' Hell yeah, let's have the time of our lives.''</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Out of the car we go. My hand slides into his. Our fingers entwine, his thumb carressing my skin. His touch is as gentle as it can get. We walk like this the short distance from his car back to the club.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Our second time, we get to ease up more on the dance floor. When I do notice Dylan tensing up, getting lost in his anxious thoughts, he gets to see how I make a fool out of myself without caring. Imitating karate and wrestling moves I've seen on the TV do the trick in cheering him up. Seeing him laugh is worth more than gold. We sit down for a bit, observe people around us and try to guess their life stories. Then we get back to moving with the rhythm. Dylan knows quite a few songs that get played, even his favorite Nine Inch Nails song gets five minutes of fame. After what seems like a few minutes but actually is a couple hours of dancing and me trying to resist the urge to drink, we head home.</p>
</div><p><br/>With sweaty hands, we both walk towards Dylan's car. I had to button up my cardigan all the way up, it's too cold at night. The moon is full tonight, up on the star-sprinkled indigo sky. What a time to have our first kiss. Unless we don't. </p><p>'' That was a lot of fun. Thanks for taking me here, '' he looks down upon me, our shoulders brushing.</p><p>I get giddy out of nowhere,'' I told you it wouldn't be so bad! Maybe next time we go you won't be as self conscious.''</p><p>'' I hope not.''</p><p>I stop by the passenger door of his ride but he doesn't notice right away. Tugging on his arm makes him stop and realize what's happening. '' Dylan I... really mean what I said tonight.''</p><p>He's facing me. ''That you hate me?'' the blond boy says quietly. </p><p>'' No!'' I say harshly than I intended to. '' Gosh, did I even say that? That's incorrect. Try again.''</p><p>'' You said a lot of things tonight, but you always do,'' he coyly smiles to himself.</p><p>'' I said try to guess again,'' I nudge him.</p><p>Dylan momentarily looks down at his feet. Then,back at me. '' I won't say it.'' His nose is getting red from the cold weather. How adorable.</p><p>'' Please Dyl!''</p><p>'' You said that you adore me, is that it?'' his voice gets higher at the end of the sentence.</p><p>'' Bingo!'' I throw my hands up in the air.</p><p>'' Are you one hunded percent sure it wasn't just the alcohol doing the talking?'' he furrows his eyebrows.</p><p>'' You do believe you're that unlovable,huh,'' I step closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. '' I meant every letter of the word adore. '' I don't feel his arms around me. Is this too much for him?</p><p>Dylan stays still. This is awkward.I regret opening my mouth too soon.</p><p>'' Has no one ever told you that before?'' I let go of him. He exhales like he was holding in his breath this whole time.</p><p>'' No.''</p><p>'' There's more to you than what you show to the world,'' a strong, tickling feeling comes up my chest. My eyes well up again. </p><p>He examines my face and obviously notices.'' Do you want to go home now or...'' </p><p>My head tilts to the side slightly as I get closer to him. His lips are inches away from mine. He must be cold. I feel him trembling. Poor guy,doesn't know how much I want to warm him up in every possible way.</p><p>But before I get the chance to taste him, my stomach ties up into a knot. I pull away. Nothing happened, nobody saw anything. ''Let's go.''</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. CH10// Burn the Bitch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, I'll be taking a longer time to add new chapters because I'm currently about 9 ahead and they're taking a long time to write (I don't want to upload a chapter without finishing the one I'm working on). Plus school work has been killing me so I'm trying to find a healthy balance. Hope you understand!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One more ribbon, a different color perhaps. Now, where is it? Nothing in the drawer of my desk, nothing but boxes under my bed, not under the pile of clothes on my floor. Fuck, I'll have to go find it or else my enthusiasm dissapears.</p><p>I step over an unfinished collage and crafting supplies scattered around. Bouncing down the stairs, I notice lights in the dining room switched on. It's still dark outside. The clock is ticking. From the living room, only a small faint light from the television shines. The morning news are on. My mom is sitting on the couch, her back facing me. She lifts a cup to her lips, dressed in her casual home attire. I walk into the kitchen. Looking out of a small window above the sink, I find my dad sitting on a chair in our backyard with a cigarette in his hand. A perfect way to start the day. I open every drawer in the cupboards, but find nothing other than kitchen utensils.</p><p>As I walk past my mom again,I feel a light touch on my arm. It jerks me back, startled. "Honey, can we sit down for a moment?" mom speaks up, her voice cold.</p><p>I sit down next to her. "Yeah, sure.'' my dirty hands brush against the long skirt I'm wearing to school today. '' What's up?"</p><p>" Where were you on Friday night?" she looks right through my eyes. The cup she puts down on the coffee table makes a dingly sound.</p><p>My hands fiddle with the edge of a pillow next to me. "I told you where I was, duh?"</p><p>"I spoke to Jenna's mom last night.'' She reaches out to my hand to stop me from fidgeting, '' and she said she was with her boyfriend."</p><p>I scan the room, looking for somewhere interesting to look at to avoid her gaze. "Oh yeah the plans changed last minute. I ended up going with Devon."</p><p>"So she brought you home."</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>" Why did she drive Dylan's car ?" dad appears in the doorway, crunching on an apple.</p><p>My mouth open in shock and disgust. "You were watching me? I can't believe you." I stand up, fists clenched. "For once in my life I'd like - actually, love to be independent! Quite frankly, as a seventeen year old I can assure you I won't fail at that. Let me do what I want with my life!"</p><p>My mom has something smart to say again, "Actions have consequences. "</p><p>"But they don't always end as bad as you think. "</p><p>"They could turn out even worse than you think, young lady, " dad warns me, mouth full.</p><p>I point at both of my parents. "You're the reason why out of all my friends, I'm single! It's not like every guy my age is threatening to kill me. They're not all the same. "</p><p>Mom finishes her coffee and gets up to clean it.'' Get your act together, Marianna. You could have serious troubles later in life.''</p><p>'' Because of what? I went out with the opposite gender?" I put my hands together. " Lord forgive me for I have sinned.'' I joke as I walk past dad, who smells like tobacco, in his shirt and tie.</p><p>'' Hey, shut it, " I hear him say behind me. An old 70s car stops in front of our house. My ride for today, Devon fuckin' Adams.</p><p>In my room I collect stuff I need into my backpack and get ready to leave the house. I shove my feet into my everyday shoes in the hall. My teeth are clenched. My voice cracks when I announce, '' Don't expect me to come home early. I've had enough of you both.''</p><p>Mom peaks out of the kitchen. '' You can rest assured we've had enough of you too. "</p><p>I slam the door shut behind me. Atleast my friend is here to brighten the day.</p><p> </p><p>People talk over each other and it pierces through my ears. My shoulder hurts from leaning at someone's locker for too long. '' Dev, I'm telling you, nothing more happened.''</p><p>'' I know that face you're making and it means something significant must have happened. You spend so much time with Dylan you're now slowly turning into him! ''</p><p>I raise my eyebrows. '' What? Bullshit.''</p><p>Dev starts counting on her finger. '' Not wanting to talk about things in detail, wearing a black leather jacket...''</p><p>'' The jacket is just a coincidence, okay?" I hold her hand down." He usually wears a long coat.''</p><p>As we stroll down the hall, I get greeted by a few people . That alone boosts my mood like nothing else. I bet if they knew who I was hanging out with they'd shut their mouths.I stop by my locker to get out books for my next class. I notice a familiar folded paper sitting on top of the notebooks inside. I take it out, not giving a fuck if Devon sees it. </p><p>It reads</p><p>
  <em>Meet me in the senior parking lot at lunch, u know where my parking space is hehe.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love, Dylan</em>
</p><p>Devon tries to grab it. I press the paper to my chest. My heartbeat is so rapidly it will jump out anytime. The blood in my veins feels warm and my mouth dry.</p><p>'' Whatcha got there?'' she asks. I hand her the paper with my lips sucked in. Her eyes travel over it again and again.</p><p>Out of pure excitement I let out a squeal, '' Is he inviting me on a date?''</p><p>She hands me the paper back with the biggest grin on her face. '' Mari, oh my! He is one hundred percent crushing,'' she squeezes my cheeks. ''He's never done this with any girl.''</p><p>The supposedly cute date turns into something else. What do you call it when your crush tags his friend along on your date? Rejection? </p><p>Eric is involved too. The third wheel. My crush as the nice guy that he is, asked me if it's okay that he's joining us. I almost said no but then realized Eric is literally standing behind him. I don't want to end up with a black eye.</p><p>Dylan lets me decide where we should eat. Big mistake. After ten minutes of driving around, him naming all nearby fast food restaurants and me shaking my head, Eric's patience starts running low. He decides we should ''just go to fuckin' McDonald's''. </p><p>So here we are, digging into what we ordered.I shove a bunch of french fries into my mouth in a messy manner while maintaining eye contact with the short haired guy opposite me. Eric's lips curl and nose crinkles but he keeps chewing. Dylan, sitting next to him looks rather indifferent. It's warm inside the restaurant, yet he insisted on keeping his duster on. I'm convinced it's a protective shield to him.</p><p>A group of girls enter. The smell of overly sweet fragrance hits my nostrils when they pass by. Eric keeps staring over his shoulder then nudges Dylan and nods at one of them.</p><p>"V, that chick is so fucking stupid. She laughed into my face. Quite a hottie, it's too bad.''</p><p>I slam my fist down on the table and their focus goes to me. '' Jesus Eric you can't just label everyone as stupid except for yourself. That's not how it works.''</p><p>His eyes narrow in suspicion. '' Now you tell me how it works then.'</p><p>'' It's a secret, you'll have to find out,'' I wink at him.</p><p>"Funny because you make fun of everyone and want to teach me how it works."</p><p>"I make fun of everyone because that's how I get close to people, you moron.'' I sip the BBQ sauce right from the plastic container. Eric's face scrunches up and I smile. '' Atleast I'm not trying to scare people off."</p><p>''You're petty,'' he takes a bite out of his burger.</p><p>'' Damn right I'm pretty.''</p><p>'' I said petty.''</p><p>'' Eric-'' Dylan scolds him. Dude has already finished his food and he had the biggest amount of it.</p><p>'' No don't get into this,'' I tell him. '' It's fine.''</p><p>With his palm extended towards me, Eric says to his friend, '' How could you have invited her to your birthday party? You didn't even know her full name.''</p><p>I wave in front of his slim nose. "Hello, I'm right here."</p><p>Dylan explains,'' Devon brought her.'' Eric sighs.</p><p>'' I was his birthday present,by the way,'' I flip my brown hair from my shoulder.</p><p>'' Oh I bet so.''</p><p>'' What does it taste like?'' Dyl is curious about my special BBQ sauce drink. Bet he wanted to come up with that idea first. Too bad. </p><p>'' Have you ever had a chocolate cake?''</p><p>'' Yeah?'' his eyebrows raise up and he chuckles, unsure of what to expect.</p><p>'' Well, it's definitely not like that.''</p><p>By our table appears a guy in a polo tshirt and white hat. One of the football players, hangs out with Evan and Tyler. '' Greetings, fine people,'' a smug smile signals nothing good.</p><p>I put on my work persona, just to see if he can remember. ''May I take your order,sir?''</p><p> Obviously he thinks nothing of it.'' Is this seat empty?'' he refers to the place next to me.</p><p>I smile. '' Yes and this one will be too if you sit down.''</p><p>His face reveals that he's impressed. "Are you Pms-ing?"</p><p>My body starts shivering, a lump stuck in my throat. I snort nevertheless. "Excuse me? You know quite a lot about menstruation. I wonder if there's a vagina in those pants."</p><p>The boy puts his arms up. "Hey, no need to be so rough around these fags here."</p><p>"I'd be rough even if I was here alone, you sleazy snail."</p><p>" Dude stop," Eric jumps in,which only gives the jock another reason to tease.</p><p>"Now, now. Eric is this your girlie?" his disgusting hand ends up on my shoulder. My stomach turns into uncomfortable knots. Cold sweat covers my forehead.I shift a seat away from him, opposite my crush. </p><p>"I'm Dylan's." </p><p>Eric shoots a stare to me, then Dylan with the dullest look on his face. Blood floods my crush's cheeks. His leg is tapping and head hangs low.</p><p>" You two share a girlfriend? Freaky."</p><p>Not too far away from us, his group of friends starts being loud in an obnoxious way.</p><p>" Why don't you go bother your group of ducklings? Mother duck must be missing her kiddies. Quack quack quack." I imitate the sound and his eyes go wide.</p><p>"You're strange." And with that, the three of us watch him walk away without a word.</p><p>I lean back in my chair. "Sometimes, weirdness saves lives."</p><p>Dylan's mouth twitches, no doubt he's fighting back a smile. Eric on the other hand... If Eric's cold gaze could kill me, it sure would.</p><p>'' What? Don't look at me like that!"</p><p>We clean up the mess on our table and head outside. I let the penguin man Eric go a bit further ahead of us. He's got his own car after all, no need to wait for me and Dyl. Despite that, he watches our every move until he drives off the McDonald's parking lot.</p><p>With my back pressed against the black beamer, I study Dylan's focused face as he pats the pockets of his pants to find car keys. He finds them at last and walks towards me. His limbs are barely controlled, making his every move uncoordinated. He stands in front of me face to face.</p><p>'' Thanks for paying for me.'' I manage to say, focusing the fog smoke that escaped my lips.</p><p>He gives me a warm smile, showing his front teeth. ''It's no problem. I figured you'd like a change of environment.''</p><p>But the smile disappears when I brush my hand against his jaw. '' You're good at adapting to other people.'' I notice the red t-shirt with a rainbow print hanging loose on his skinny torso. Setting sun tour. I begin to wonder how his body looks without clothes on. Is he really that thin? I mean, he eats so much food it has to show somehow.</p><p>'' Are you alright?'' Dylan asks, forcing me to look up at him.</p><p>I catch up on what he's refering to.'' Yeah, yeah. I don't have nightmares about it anymore. But it sometimes comes back when someone touches me. I feel like a war veteran.'' I shiver.</p><p>Dylan walks over to his side of the car. '' I won't touch you then.'' The keys jingle as he unlocks the door, then gets in and waits for me to do the same. His sentence sends a shiver down my spine.</p><p>'' You have the permission to touch me whenever,'' I buckle myself up, '' and wherever you want.''</p><p>He puts his oval shades on to block out the faint November sun shining through grey clouds. Frost grew over the windows. His firm grip on the steering wheel makes me notice his gloves he just put on. They're cut in one half of his long fingers. I trace along the thick black fabric covering his skin and he looks at me. I imagine his eyes are squinted as to what the hell I'm doing. Half of the ride is filled with my random remarks about whatever I see outside, only interrupted by radio music. After what feels like forever, he says,</p><p> '' So you did find the note in your locker?''</p><p>I roll my eyes at him. '' Obviously. Just because I used to be a witch doesn't mean I can read people's minds. That would be cool though.''</p><p>''You could use that for your own advantage like predict big events before they happen. How many times do Boston Red Sox win in the 99th season?''</p><p>'' Exactly one thousand times.''</p><p>'' There are only around 160 games but I'll take it.''</p><p>'' I don't watch basketball, you should know that by now!'' I facepalm myself.</p><p>'' Only took me 3 seconds to figure out because it's baseball not basketball, " he chuckles. Aerosmith's wheeping ballad fills the air and I change the station.</p><p>'' You gotta stop leaving notes in my locker just like that. Everytime I find one I'm with people and they're curious about it.''</p><p>'' You didn't show anyone anything,right?'' he asks.</p><p>I lick my cracked lips. '' No... even though they wanted to see it real bad. '' I calm him down. ''I can read between the lines. I know they're meant for me .''</p><p>''They are.''</p><p>Dylan clears his throat. I do the same but louder then giggle at myself.</p><p>With a scrunched up face, he says '' You- you said you're my girl back there.''</p><p>I nod in agreement, curious about where this is leading. My hands start to tremble.</p><p>'' Why do you do that?'' his expression gets dull.</p><p>'' Do what?''</p><p>'' Treat me like a person.''</p><p>'' I didn't realize I have to treat you like a dog.'' I roll down the window and pretend to throw something out of it. "Fetch!'' He laughs for a second, then changes back to being serious.</p><p>Realizing how freezing cold it is outside, I roll the window back up. My jacket is warm but Dylan's arms are surely much warmer. The heat inside the car is doing some help, though. God, he's so handsome. Every little thing he does is so special to me. Simply him being focused on the road ahead is the hottest thing ever. </p><p>" It doesn't happen to me often that I feel this connection with someone so quiet."</p><p>His gaze travels over my face, lingering on my lips longer than the rest. He becomes painfully aware of it and looks away." It doesn't happen to me often that I meet a person who says all my thoughts out loud."</p><p>We both look at each other at the same time and burst out laughing.</p><p>"You're saying you met someone like me before?" I point a finger at myself.</p><p>"No. Never." his head shakes left and right. "And I never thought I'd find one."</p><p>"You're saying it like it's a bad thing."</p><p>"Sorry. It's a good thing."</p><p>I gasp. "Only good?"</p><p>"Best thing in the world," a broad smile appears on his face.</p><p>Another class passes, another surprise awaits. I say bye to Devon and her friends and turn around the corner. By the lockers near library stands Dylan alone with his back turned to me. I hesitate to go towards him, my mind giving me a thousand reasons not to. What are the odds of him being here? I just got out of class, could he possibly know my schedule? Well, he knows my locker combo. It wouldn't come as a shock, truth be told. </p><p>I get stopped by my classmate from literature class to catch up on our lives and homework. It's too late to strike up a conversation with Dylan when she goes away - Robyn has taken my place. Dressed in her denim overalls and Sketchers - she does look like the all american perfect christian white teen girl. My gut feeling is different about her, though. Now is not a chance to forgive and forget because she might take it the wrong way.</p><p>Her face is expressive and hands moving around as if explaining something crucial to him. Maybe if I join them, I'll see what's up.</p><p>Robyn sees me coming past Dyl's shoulder . When I'm close enough I cross my arms and wait for her to say something clever. Their chit chat quiets down.</p><p>''Could you leave for a moment, please?'' says Robyn. I force myself to chuckle. Dylan notices me but doesn't say a word.</p><p>My feet drag me backwards into the crowd of people. Their conversation goes back to normal as if I was never there.Hungry for Robyn's reaction, I pour more gasoline into the fire. </p><p>'' You two better not have sex on the school grounds. Sex is a dangerous weapon. Weapons on school grounds are not allowed.'' And a person bumps into me. I trip on my own foot, to make it worse, but the person catches me. I straighten my shirt.</p><p>A deep voice behind me says, "Hey."</p><p>Brown messy straw-like texture hair peaking under white baseball cap. An oak tree eye color. Same shade as mine. A teenage stubble, one that he must be proud of growing for three months. Thin lips that I've kissed many times.</p><p>"Brett?"</p><p>He greets me back and we have a small talk that I very much despise. It's awkward and tense. I thought he said he never wants to see me again. Why bother talking to me now? When I've moved on after a long time. The first heartbreak is always the worst. It shouldn't have been, though, as he's an awful person. That fact alone hooked me onto him for months and left me craving more. Shit, my parents loved him more than I did. Secretly they still wish I had stuck with him. What they do not know is that he hurt me on many levels, not just emotional. Boohoo, break ups. It's not a good time to start crying, I have to hold it in until later.</p><p>My ex's attention goes to Eric who's walking with his head down.</p><p>'' What's up Rammsteiner," all his strenght goes into the short dude's shoulder.</p><p> I squeeze my eyes shut. A loud bang echoes despite how crowded the place is. Eric's pressed into a locker. A painful yet angry expression on his face. And just like that, Brett goes on about his day. No big deal to him, it seems. The teachers are here, how did they not see it? Why isn't anybody doing anything? This school is a shithole. I'm starting to get why people like Eric hate it here.</p><p>I observe his face for any sign of discomfort. '' Dude, you okay?'' He avoids looking at me and his eyelashes flutter.</p><p>'' It's nothing.'' Eric rubs his shoulder, '' I could shove him a million times stronger.''</p><p>'' So strong he will fly to another planet?''</p><p>'' Another dimension. Fucker will time travel, "he pronounces every word in a very sharp way.</p><p>'' What the hell. If that's possible, hit me too.''</p><p>''Nah, women are weak,'' Eric's eyes pierce right through mine. His skin reddens. </p><p>My eyebrows raise up high. '' Do you know who you're talking to? The strongest of all females in this damn town.''</p><p>'' Whatever floats your boat.''</p><p>'' <em>Women you better stay in the kitchen</em>,'' I mock his voice.'' Anyway Rammsteiner, that's a weak ass nickname. If I was a bully I'd call you Mr. Rice.'' He gives me the <em>if-you-don't-stop-I-will-punch-you</em> expression. I back off.</p><p>''Okay, okay don't get all upset. It's constructive criticism. Conticism.''</p><p>Fighting back a snicker, he says, '' Shut up already.''</p><p>'' You can laugh around me, I won't tell anyone, " I pat his back at which he cringes. It takes one look at each other for both of us to start laughing.</p><p> </p><p>It's getting darker and darker earlier these days. Even at three pm, it already feels like evening. I love cold months though, It's when I can be affectionate with everyone without making dumb excuses. <em>Oh, if I don't hug you I'll faint. Oh, you smell nice, mind if I rub some perfume off you with my body? Oh, this strong supernatural force pulled me to you</em>. Now, all I have to say is that I'm heating people up. Plus, It's time to take rainbow knitted sweaters and colorful fluffy coats out of the closet.</p><p>Devon takes the last sip out of her plastic water bottle. She proceeds to squeeze it and chuck it down on the concrete sidewalk. Her car is a bit further from the school grounds. This is one of the rare days where she doesn't need to drop off any of her friends, except for me. Too bad, the sophomore girls are more fun than juniors.</p><p>'' Will I have to pay for the gas? '' I ask, walking side by side with her on the sidewalk.</p><p>'' No it's fine.''</p><p>'' Not even once every month?''</p><p>'' Keep your hardly earned money. You lost a job, where are you gonna get it from? Steal from parents?'' She has a point there. I could also rob a bank unless that is too off limits.</p><p>I shake my head. '' My father hates that I got fired.''</p><p>'' Brooks is a manager at Pizza Hut. Oh, and Zack said Blackjack Pizza is a decent place to work at. Have you checked it out? ''</p><p>Where have I heard that before... '' Didn't Dylan work there?''</p><p>'' He did. How do you know that?'' </p><p>I bite my lower lip.'' I might have met him there once.'' Devon unlocks her retro car.</p><p>'' Stalker.'' She states and takes our backpacks to throw them in the backseat.</p><p>'' I swear it was a sign from the universe! It happened the da-'' </p><p>For a moment she freezes and looks over to the direction of school.'' He is literally right there. Go talk to him! "</p><p>And she's right. The black beamer I could recognize from a mile away is parked there. No other cars around to it. It sticks out like my crush does in a sea of people. I sprint for my life just incase he decides to get the fuck out of there. Faster than the speed of the light, I almost bump into a red car pulling out of there. A few times I stumble on small rocks laying around. Whoever sees me right now must think I'm drunk.</p><p>I knock on the window twice and he rolls it down. My chest is heaving and I'm sucking in the ice-cold air everytime I inhale.</p><p>'' Hey, are you by any chance waiting for me here? Because I have a ride home today,'' I explain, trying to calm my breathing down.</p><p>'' Well then I'm not waiting anymore, '' he rotates the car key and the engine makes a loud sound.</p><p>I lean into the car through the window. '' No,no, seriously why are you still here? I don't recall telling you.''</p><p>'' I thought you needed someone to take you home.''</p><p>He is so sweet. Like, the sweetest human being I might have met. Second on my list of cute people, Abby beating him. So many thoughts are scattered in my mind. Dissapointing him is the last thing I'd want to do.</p><p>'' Let's make a deal then. Today I'll go with Devon and tomorrow you can take me home. "</p><p>" Well I was thinking I could take you home and to school every day. If you don't mind. "</p><p>I stand up straight. " Oh of course I don't- hold on." And I pinch my porcelain skin, gritting my teeth. " Is this real life? "</p><p>" Unfortunately," he is amused by my action.</p><p>" Alright. Deal? " I reach my hand out to him.</p><p>" Deal. " He shakes it. Backing out of the parking lot, I step away to make sure he doesn't hit me. As he is slowly driving out of there, a lightbulb switches on in my head.</p><p>My feet don't seem to catch up with the speed I'm capable of. He's so close to exiting the school grounds. </p><p>Patting the rear of his car, it abruptly stops. As my knuckles move inches away to the glass of his window on the passenger side, he already knows what to do.</p><p>'' One more question, when can we hang out again?" I hold onto the metal material, like it's gonna dissapear.</p><p>Dylan shrugs. "Probably at the weekend."</p><p>I count in my head. "That's in five days are you kidding me?"</p><p>" I'm in threatre on Friday after school. It's the Frankenstein play premiere. If you come we can talk there."</p><p>" I'll be there, I promise." I give him a reassuring smile. "Ring me tonight?"</p><p>" Of course Mari." And he drives off. When the black beamer passes by Devon's car, I see her waving at Dyl.</p><p>My precious friend was waiting by her ride this whole time. Damn, she wasn't gonna drive off without me. She's not Jenna.</p><p> We sit in at the same time, ready to go home. Before Dev could open her mouth, I beat her to it.</p><p>" Dev. You're helping in the Frankenstein play right? "</p><p>" Woah there, are you interested in it because of Dyl? "</p><p>I cross my arms, head on the headrest. "Pfff no, plays are boring as fuck. "</p><p>I would have joined the class a long time ago, if Jenna and her friends were there too. Since there's no Jenna now, it might be a good idea to start doing whatever the fuck I want. </p><p>Devon flips me off before focusing on the road ahead of her.</p><p>"... So she walked out of there and bumped into me then started going nuts." Dev then imitates Jenna's high-pitched voice with accurate face expressions, ''<em> What is up your ass? Are you blind</em>?''</p><p>" Not this again. Get over it! " I pull on my hair, bunching it up.</p><p>" I am over it! She isn't. I'm just sayin' - I pet her head and went away."</p><p>I sigh." I miss talking to her. She doesn't look at me for a second at school." </p><p>Out of the window I see the mall me and her used to hang out at. "No classes with her make it more difficult, you know? "</p><p>" You're telling me if you had four classes with her like last year, it would be easy? " she scoffs.</p><p>" We had so much fun at every one of those.'' I look up at the pastel blue sky with fluffy clouds. '' I got to talk to people who would otherwise cast me out as the weirdo. Look at me now, I only have you to talk to. And Dylan. "</p><p>" Don't be rough at yourself, doll. " she places her hand over mine, resting on my thigh. She removes it quickly though. By the road, on the sidewalk is a group of teen girls in puffy jackets. Blonde and black straight haired, yet all look like they belong to the same mother.</p><p>"Knowing somebody and being friends is two different things. I can talk to that stranger right there and still not consider her a friend!" I point at one of the girls and roll down the window.</p><p>Devon doesn't notice. " Better to have two real friends than ten fake ones. "</p><p>" Hello beautiful strangers!" I yell out at them. Faster than the speed of light I roll it back up.</p><p>"Mari don't-" Devon is shocked by what I did.</p><p>The girls turn around and who do I see. My ex-best friend, scrunched up face, obviously annoyed. The car is going fast though. I don't think she knows who cat called her.</p><p>"Shit that was Jenna!" my legs tap in an uncontrollable way, teeth clenched together. The brunette next to me looks in the rearview mirror. Recognition falls upon her face. It <em>was</em> her.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. CH11// Frankenstein</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The play Frankenstein isn't anything like the old Boris Karloff movie, with the giant miniling monster who lurches around with corks coning out of his neck. The stage version of Frankenstein is much more loyal to the book's theme of society fearing what it doesn't understand. Frankenstein's monster is a deep, troubled creature who was created by a scientist, then dismissed as an abomination. From there, he wanders alone, labeled as a " freak" by the rest of society and rejected by everyone who sees him. The cruelty eventually leads the monster to seek revenge.</em>
</p><p><em>- No easy answers, Brooks Brown</em><br/>---------------</p><p>The red curtain closes. I bounce my leg up and down as the audatorium empties, until there's only a handful of people left. Getting up on my feet, I notice a sophisticated looking woman in her fifties standing on the stairs. A camera is in her hand. She must have been here this whole time but I was too focused on the play.</p><p> I make my way down the stairs and towards where the main action happened.</p><p>"Oops, am I in the frame?" I dodge the lady's camcorder.</p><p>"No honey don't worry," she whispers and zooms on the stage.</p><p>I decide to stand on the side to watch it all unfold and wait for Dyl. Not long after, the curtains open again. The cast and backstage crew start flooding in. Actors and actresses are still in their costumes. Brooks is nowhere to be seen. I spot Devon in a white t-shirt talking to several girls, who then sit on the couch that was used as a set piece.</p><p>Dylan brushes past me down the main stairs in his worn out green shirt. <em>AoLeeT dOOd</em>. That has to be the third time he wore it this week.</p><p>He doesn't notice me. Dude must have been in the <em>sound </em>something the whole time. <em>Sound </em>booth? That doesn't <em>sound</em> right. I'll have to ask him later. Basic knowledge, Mari, damn it!</p><p>He climbs on top of the stage. After a while of messing with some wires and cables, he jumps off like the . I join him, coming in from behind. He only notices me when I tap on his broad shoulder.</p><p>"Hey Mari, " Dyl thumbs his prescription glasses up.</p><p>"Here, let me... " With the help of my small hands, we pull a cable off the stage. Dylan rolls it up.</p><p>" Could you give it to Zack? "</p><p>I take it from him, my other hand salutes. '' Your wish is my command, sir.''</p><p>I swim through the stage, scanning people's faces, greeting them. A boy in a formal suit and sleek hair, girls in peasant-looking periodic dress, backstage helpers looking casual as ever. I do my best to avoid knocking down other parts of the set scattered around. Zack comes out of the side of the stage, in his usual t-shirt and backwards hat searching for something. When he notices me, his face softens.</p><p>"Were you here for the entire play? Or came just now to see your lover boy?" he teases with a proud smile.</p><p>I hand him the bundled up cable and he puts it around his neck. "Nah, sorry to dissapoint you Mr. Always Right. I suffered through the entire thing." I roll my eyes.</p><p>"One could sweat blood and you still wouldn't be satisfied," he sighs and goes his own way to discuss something with a fellow threatre technican.</p><p> Am I that bad of a person? That isn't my real self. I'm presenting myself the wrong way to the world. Okay, but only Heckler said it so far. His opinions don't mean shit because once he also said that Keanu Reeves isn't hot.</p><p>I get lost in the moment. These kids are having genuine fun together,laughing and chatting. Not pretending to be someone they're not. A laid-back atmosphere that I do not wish to interrupt. Or do I? Not now, Mari.</p><p>Devon appears right in front of me. An adorable brunette with a baby face is by her side. Must be her classmate. She's tiny, yet fiesty and certainly doesn't look anything like an outcast.</p><p>"Mari! I thought you said you're not interested?" Dev gives me a warm smile.</p><p>"Well. Here I am. Surprise!" </p><p>She leans closer to me, to make sure the other girl doesn't hear her. " Are you here for... You know who?"</p><p>I speak out loud, "Partially. I also thought it would be good to give school plays a chance for the first time in my life." </p><p>Whatever, the other girl has no idea who this is about. I feel bad for leaving her out, though. My friend senses that something isn't quite right. Like she always does.</p><p>Devon stands on the side, letting me and the girl look eye to eye. </p><p>'' Rachel, this is my friend Mari. Mari, Rachel. We work in the threatre together.''</p><p>I take her hand and cover it with my palms,shaking it. '' Hello, nice to meet you. You look very cute.''</p><p>'' So do you Mari!'' her lips melt into a playful smile.</p><p>Devon introduces me to plentiful people. Out of the ten, I only remember one guy who's name stands out. The new victim for my comedic mischief.</p><p>Not as tall as Dylan, wearing big sneakers and a black sweater, he introduces himself. " John Savage. "</p><p>" Savage?" I ask him. "That's your middle name, " I say matter-o-factly.</p><p>John laughs in response. "No it's my-"</p><p>"I'm Mari Indecisive Larson," I give him a warm handshake. He is quite handsome. Not as much as the halo-haired boy. No one could compare, ever.</p><p>Devon chuckles at our stupid interaction and goes to show me around the backstage area, where the 'magic happens'. Maybe they do practice satanic rituals before going on stage. In this christian town, sure, it's possible. </p><p>Rows of clothes hung on racks, dresses, suits, monster costumes, God this is my dream wardrobe! Showing up to school in fairy dress, sure, why not.</p><p>Some technical stuff is on the ground, big boxes with more miscellaneous things. Nobody ever told me theatre would be this fun. Dev's classmates call out for her and she has to go help, so we part ways. It's not a good idea to stay here alone, so I go back to the main scene.</p><p>When I'm alone, I catch Dylan with my eye on the other side of the stage, coming towards me. His steps are so long and unsure like he doesn't know where his legs will carry him.</p><p>Then he asks me, '' What was Zack saying to you?''</p><p>'' Nothing important. Zack was being Zack as always."</p><p>'' Oh,right. I have some work to do with Ms. C,'' his eyes shift to the side. That must be the older woman ordering kids around, in pink leggings and a sports sweater. God, I can hear Jenna's voice in my head saying something stupid about her outfit. </p><p>My lips curl into an overexaterated pout. '' Make it quick.''</p><p>I decide to patiently wait in one of the seats in the first row to get a better view of my crush. It extends to quite a while, as they might be discussing crucial information with the teacher and Zack. It's impossible for him to blend in with his peers. Even when he's surrounded by his classmates, he looks alienated. All kinds of uncomfortable, he's crossing and uncrossing his arms, looking over his shoulder. That is, until Zack says something that makes him smile,ease up for a moment. Boredom comes to me once again and I find myself chipping off my red nail polish. Somebody starts playing the piano. Finally, a fine musical addition.</p><p>Devon is in the back, frolicking around. I wave my hand her direction, which she reprociates. Dylan leaves, probably to gather his stuff. He comes back wearing his duster and backpack hanging over his broad shoulder. As he's walking through a door that was used in the play, he has to duck down. John dusts his coat as a playful guesture. Dylan turns around sharply and gives him a disdainful glare. Several more minutes of talking to the teacher and helping with something and his duster is off again. When they're done, people are looking up at the ceiling.</p><p>"Well, that's just great," Zack states.</p><p>"What's wrong?" Dylan jumps off the stage effortlessly. Zack doesn't seem to be answering him. I suppose Dyl just wants to help with whatever problem they're having. When he catches my gaze, I gestures him to come to me. I take the duster and cap from him, placing it in my lap. He goes back to action, concerned about what's bothering his friend. Zack appears to be straight up ignoring him. Barely acknowledging him.</p><p>He walks past Dylan with the words "Please tell me Andy's here. There you are," and joins another classmate to solve the problem. Dylan stands there like a statue for a second, then snaps his fingers, fiddling with a chain of his pocket watch. I jump out of my seat and tap on his shoulder. He takes his duster from me and puts it on. Since he doesn't take the baseball cap, I put it on my head backwards. He looks much hotter in it than I do.</p><p>'' You look nice,'' he says and then looks down, embarassed, like he said it without thinking twice. Up the stairs, I walk close behind him. I'm careful not to step on his heels. My feet stamp on each step with force, making a loud sound.</p><p>"Show me around the sound room you do your thing in."</p><p>He brushes off the way I just called his beloved place, "It's a sound booth." </p><p>Oh so that's what it's called. He told me about it last night, but my memory is as bad as a goldfish. " Whatever. Sound something.''</p><p>I was naive when I thought the audatorium was empty. There's a group of girls on the very top, snickering and whispering things to each other. Jesus, if Jenna was here she would laugh at me for hanging around drama fags, as the athletes call them.</p><p>'' You were responsible for all the sounds ?'' He looks over his shoulder momentarily,then nods. '' That's cool,teach me how you do it!''</p><p>We get to the top of the stairs, then turn left and a door is in front of me. Dylan unlocks and opens it, letting me get in. </p><p>It's an enclosed space, but big enough to fit several people. Underneath a dark, elongated window is a board with what I suppose to be the control buttons. How can one know which one is used for what? There's atleast a million of them.</p><p>Dylan walks past me and sits on a small chair in front of the board.He pushes a button and explains,'' I'm gonna turn it off so that no one can hear us in the audatorium.''</p><p>Something about it sends a chill down my spine. I notice a microphone in front of us and lean in closer to it. My finger taps on it twice. No sound coming out. Great.</p><p>In a squeaky voice I say, "Hello, hello this is your captain speaking!" My own joke manages to amuse me to the point of giggling. </p><p>The boy next to me repeats my actions. In a Donald Duck voice he announces, "Everybody get the fuck out! " </p><p>Dylan lets out an audible laugh I've never heard from him before. That only makes my laughter stronger, soon feeling my eyes fill up with tears. He likes that so much he has to add fuel to the fire,"Imagine if that mic wasn't turned off!"</p><p>After I cool down, he actually gets to explaining what each of those buttons and levers does.</p><p>'' That's so fascinating. Dyl, you're smart.'' I don't remember a thing he says the second after the words leave his mouth. All I can focus on is how concentrated he is, and the way his lips move with tenderness.</p><p>'' What does this do?'' I point at a random red button, hoping he's patient enough to go over it one more time. Without complaints, he goes on to explaining again, more briefly. I keep nodding as if I was on autopilot. None of the terminology he uses I know the meaning of. Yet all the words sound beautiful because they're coming from him.</p><p>His eyes linger on me for what seems to be an eternity. I straighten my posture. </p><p>"You gotta stop doing that."</p><p>"Doing what?" he adjusts his glasses.</p><p>"Looking at me like that." I take Dyl's cap off my head and mess up my hair. "It makes me want to kiss you." The cap lands on the board.</p><p>"Oh," a small smile appears on his face. I lift his hand. Locking it with mine I kiss his knuckles. His grip on me is loose, his skin like porcelain. I get as close as possible to him and he looks up at our hands entwined. With those cute crooked glasses, he makes me want to kiss that handsome face. Not just kiss him. More than that. If only we were alone. If only...</p><p>''Brooks' pants were horrible,'' Zack walks through the door, a grin on his face.</p><p> I let go of Dylan and step away from him. Zack sits on another chair, next to the sound board. Dylan and him discuss backstage stuff I have no knowledge about, and make fun of some classmates. They mention that I would be most likely to wear the horrible, destroyed, torn up pants Brooks was wearing in the play. It annoys me that they act like I'm not here.</p><p>I press my back against the wall to watch them interact and pray to God someone interesting will walk through that damn door to talk to me. Like a nun or a buddhist monk or dolphin trainer. Well, seems like my prayers were heard.</p><p>Brooks enters, followed by Devon. Brooks is the monk and my friend is the dolphin trainer. Heckler trainer. No, Zack is more of a whale. </p><p>Devon is more than happy to see me here. We exchange knowing smirks.'' We were just gossiping about you bro,'' Zack nods at Brooks. </p><p>The tall ass giraffe man is holding a camcorder, which I'm certain I saw the woman filming with earlier. Unamused, he says '' Thanks for the heads up.''</p><p>Devon and her boyfriend talk about something, quiet enough to avoid others hearing it. I creep up behind her and attack her with my hug. She lets out a faint scream and I drag her to the ground with me. We collapse, laughing but never breaking any touch. The guys shake their heads at us with cheeky smiles.</p><p>After catching our breaths, Devon and I scoot up, our backs against the wall. She lays her head on my shoulder and I place mine on hers. My legs go close to my chest. I hum the melody of a popular song that comes to my mind and Devon joins in. We chill here, not caring that our butts will get cold. A great way to end this bad day. I almost forgot a jock gave me a nasty stare in the hall today. And even more so, it is an adventure hearing the boys yakking.</p><p>'' Back to the pants, Dylan what did you do to them?'' Zack asks.</p><p>'' Brooks and I got this old pair of jeans. Soaked 'em in gasoline and paint thinner. They were ugly as shit. Almost as ugly as you Brooks.''</p><p>It strikes me how playful and comfortable he is around them. Then again, they've known each other for a long time. Maybe Dylan even forgot I'm still here and hear him loud and clear.</p><p>'' That's true. About 30 different chemicals were put into that, " Brooks states.</p><p>I can't see Dylan's face as he is facing the dudes, but I can sure hear the amusement in his voice when he says, '' We gonna set them on fire after school. They're usueless now anyways.''</p><p>It's enough to cause my muscles to tighten. '' Mad as hell, '' I whisper to Devon.</p><p>She shrugs and whispers back, '' He's like that sometimes.''</p><p>Deciding I've had more than enough of this boredom, I stand up and move around the room. Circling my arm in the air, then the other. At last, both together. I search for something to entertain me. Nothing much to do here. I could go annoy the guys. Devon holds me back, though, and I almost fall down.</p><p>"You just can not sit still, can you?"</p><p>I shake my head no with a grin. Walking up to the three boys, I lean over to the confusing soundboard. Right in the middle between Zack and Dylan, our shoulders touching. Being this close to my crush feels intimate even in a room full of people.</p><p>'' What does this button do?" I point at a random one," What's this for?''</p><p>Dylan moves to the side slightly, breaking the shoulder touch. '' Uh Mari don't bother.''</p><p>'' You're like the human version of a golden retriever,'' Brooks observes.</p><p>Devon laughs in agreement and pulls me away from them. Brooks holds the camcorder close to his face. He points it at my crush. Dylan is too busy talking to Zack to notice him.</p><p>'' Dylan...Dylaaaan, '' the second time Brooks calls him out, he actually turns around.</p><p>'' Zack!'' the boy sitting next to Dylan flips him off. </p><p>It's all fun and games until I become the focus of his lens. I can tell he is zooming on us, so we pretend to whisper something to each other for the camera. </p><p>'' Here's Mari and her girlfriend Devon.''</p><p> Devon keeps a rather serious face. "My boyfriend is literally right there."</p><p>I bawl out on him. '' I'm not a lesbian Brooks! I only made out with a girl once... Or twice.''</p><p>"Really that's your argument?" Brooks says with the dumbest smile. He turns back to my crush who was just talking about something. '' So what were you saying?''</p><p>Dylan's making hand movements, explaining some fun backstage gossips. I know Brooks must love it. Devon goes to sit on her boyfriend's knee. They look so happy in love, smiling at each other. Every now and then he kisses the side of her face. I stand back, admiring the scene. If only I could do that with my guy.</p><p>Brooks catches me off-guard. '' Mari, do you want to say something?'' The camera is so close to my face, it's making me uncomfortable at first. He backs up but I grab it and pull it towards me. </p><p>'' To my senior friends, class of 99' -'' I point my finger at the lens, '' I'm gonna miss you so much when you fuckers are gone. I'm having the best time of my high school life with you.''</p><p>Devon awes and Zack is pretending to wipe tears from his eyes,sniffing. '' So heartfelt, I'm crying.''</p><p>Screw him.</p><p>''Particularly Nate Dyke, Boobs Brown , Eric Midget and Dyldo Klebold.''</p><p>The boys are amused by my choice of nicknames. Devon puts her palm to her forehead with a <em>why-am-I-here</em> look. I walk over behind Dylan. He's giggling the most out of the three of them. I take the opportunity to wrap my arms around him. My head nuzzles into the crook of his neck. His soft hair against my forehead and cheek. Zack is about to say something again and I interrupt him in the right moment.</p><p>''Not you Zack Fuckler, " I flip him off.</p><p>He doesn't look too joyful about it. '' Yo, did no one ever tell you to calm your tits?''</p><p>I pick Dylan's hand up and lift his middle finger. Giggling, I point it Zack's direction. </p><p>'' Geez. '' He hides the finger back into his clenched fist, apologetically looking at his friend. He really is like a statue, even his skin is cold to the touch. If his duster can't warm him up, I certainly will. I don't care if it's caught on film or not.</p><p>Devon points at us and draws attention to it. '' You guys are so cute! Brooks did you catch it?''</p><p>'' Yea it's all stored in here," he taps on the plastic material of the gadget." Forever.'' He turns it off and puts the protective lid back on. No more filming, I'm free. Although a movie star would be cool to be. But I definitely won't get noticed if it will be shown for Brooks' friends.</p><p>I squeeze Dylan tight like my life depends on it. My chin goes on his broad shoulder. Ever so slightly he leans his head to mine. Our cheeks touch. A slight pinch of a cold metal material makes me flinch. Oh, it's just his earring. A triple cross one, that's so cool. It looks homemade.</p><p>Others sense that something is up, and exchange glances. Zack raises his eyebrows at Brooks with a smirk. Devon hits his arm. To make this less - or more - awkward, I let go of him and speak up. </p><p>'' I have a question for the smart gender. You guys, is not having breasts like having two backs?''</p><p>Brooks' glance is darting around, as if looking for answers. '' Uh yeah like that-''</p><p>Zack points at me, ''You should know, you have no breasts.''</p><p>I gasp and look down at my chest. The boy I was hugging tenses up. </p><p>'' Your mom,'' Dylan and I say in union. I playfully hit his shoulder, excited about the fact that we said it together.</p><p> Devon looks amused by this, the two other guys seem not to care. Nontheless, Zack and Dyl get into a playful back and forth insult-throwing game. Overtime, Brooks becomes their main target. With Brooks' wit and cleverness, however, it is difficult as fuck.</p><p>My face gets close to Devon's boyfriend's. Through my teeth I say,  '' I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker.'' Zack stares at me like he just saw a disguise.</p><p>'' It wasn't wrong when I said they're lesbians!'' Brooks states. Dev starts tickling my sides and I can't help but giggle and squirm. I stick my tounge out to lick her face, but she dodges. She pats my head. '' Mari, let's get you to the mental hospital.''</p><p>"Some fresh air would help too," Brooks adds.</p><p>'' I am the breeze of fresh air here,'' I fan my hot face. </p><p>My chest is still heaving, but I'm not struggling to tell them a story about today's English class which turned into a huge debate. </p><p>''... That one Kelli girl argued with me, until her face got beat red and then she verbally attacked me when I won. Like, that was the goal. To make her angry. If she won I could've easily started barking at her.''</p><p>Devon joins in on her similar debate class experiences. Her, Brooks and Zack are in the same class together. How lucky.</p><p>Brooks claps his hands together, excitement written over him. '' Debate class is the best, man. I love how you can't just say <em>kiss my ass, I know I'm right.</em>''</p><p>'' Eric would do that,'' Zack adds in.</p><p>'' You're my soulmate! I love talking on and on and proving my points.'' I say to Brooks. '' Well, sometimes I get off track. Geez, that happens a lot."</p><p>'' Don't mess with her,'' Devon warns the guys. </p><p>Zack stares right at poor Dylan.'' You hear that? Don't mess with Mari.''</p><p>You're damn right, Heckler. I fucked up your organs that one time I jumped on you.</p><p>'' I'm not messing with her,'' Dylan says with a coy smile. Clearly embarassed. </p><p>I lick my bottom lip, '' I wouldn't mind if you did.''</p><p>Zack gets up abruptly. '' Oh, oh oh, it's getting hot in here. Let's call it quits for the day.''</p><p>When we get out of there, I look around to see if someone is still in the audatorium. It's dead-quiet and our hushed voices echo. The seats where a group of preps were sitting are empty. Dylan locks the sound booth door and we head out into the hall. Like a family of ducks, one by one.Right by the metal threatre door, Devon and Zack who are walking in front of me, turn their heads. I sense that something is up by their expressions. Needless to say, I pray to God it isn't who I think it is. </p><p>I slow down my step. I let Dylan and Brooks go first. The same annoying girls are standing in a circle and they get quiet when I pass by. One is turned with her back to me.Black shiny hair,  covering half her back. Awfully familiar.</p><p>My friends go forward, down the stairs to get out of the building. Dylan hesitates for a moment and looks up at me when he doesn't see me following them. I wave at him to go away.</p><p>With crossed arms and perfectly styled outfits, the girls stare at me like I don't belong. The <em>what the hell do you think you're doing here?</em> look. Outfits fresh out of the newest Delia's magazine. I should leave. What is the point?</p><p>My steps get quicker, but Jenna catches up with me hurriedly. Her friends leave at the sight of that.</p><p>Jenna pulls me aside. '' You and your poor friends have the balls to ridicule me like that?''</p><p>Confusion travels up my body.'' What?''</p><p>My former bestie is not having any of it today. Her eyes roll and she shifts her weight from one leg to the other.</p><p>'' Devon bumps into me and almost pushes me the frick down. You two drive by me and laugh into my face.'' I open my mouth to say something but what she says next silences me. '' Then your cute little boyfriend purposely puts his foot forward for me to trip on it?''</p><p>He would never do that. He isn't that type of person, that's bullshit. I refuse to believe it, although I'm more shocked about the fact that nobody seems to know about Evan and me. I can't think about it or else it will happen. Jenna will laugh, jocks will laugh, everyone will call me a slut. </p><p>I let out a desperate sigh. '' You're impossible to explain it to.''</p><p>Jenna overexatterates her hand gestures. '' You totally went nuts! You're doing drugs, aren't you? ''</p><p>''No? I get high on life, " helplessness eats me whole the further this conversation goes.</p><p>'' Then you certainly look the part. Like the rest of the trench coat freaks,'' she tugs at my bright orange woolen sweater. Funny how when we were friends, she admired how I was so brave at dressing this way. Now she makes fun of it. '' I don't get you at all.''</p><p>'' And nobody gets you. It's only fair, " Jenna shrugs.</p><p>'' I blindly hoped you were a decent fucking person all this time." I feel my eyes welling up and blurrying out my surroundings. "Now I'm starting to see your true colors. It fucking hurts.''</p><p>I leave before she has any chance to bring me to full-on tears. Flying downstairs, I rub my eyes over and over to stop myself from crying.</p><p>As I exit the building, my crew minus Brooks are chatting together in the parking lot. The sky is dark and looks more grey than blue this late evening. It might snow. Fina-fucking-lly.</p><p>I catch up with them and blend into their conversation. When I force myself to laugh at nothing and everything, Zack gets fed up and leaves to his car. My heart is still pumping five hundred miles per hour. I bend over, hands on knees, catching painful breaths. Dylan looks at me, concerned, and so does my other friend. I want to cry at the sight of my crush, seeing me in such a vulnerable state.</p><p>'' Mari, are you sick?'' Devon examines my face.</p><p> My cheeks heat up.'' No?''</p><p>She smooths out my frizzy hair. '' You look so pale.''</p><p>I straighten myself, standing firm on my feet. '' Jenna confronted me. ''</p><p>Her boyfriend calls out for her out of his car. Dylan stands, emotionless.</p><p>'' Bear, could you wait?'' she yells after Zack.'' I need to talk something out.''</p><p>'' Hurry up baby!'' </p><p>We distance ourselves from Dylan because girl talk would for sure bore him. Devon is shocked by what Jenna told me. The theory about Dyl doing something like what she describe doesn't seem to shock her. But a reassuring word about how she will always have my back and a warm smile are enough to make me feel a thousand times better. After our goodbye hug, she goes home with Zack. </p><p>Me and Dylan are the last people standing. Atleast on the school grounds, as far as I can see.</p><p>'' I'm sorry we couldn't hang out alone,'' Dylan says when we're walking towards his car. It has become a silent agreement for us to go together to and from school, no matter what.</p><p>I examine his side profile. '' You're intimidated by me, aren't you?''</p><p>In the right moment, our eyes lock.'' I was meaning to ask you the same question.''</p><p>'' Answer mine first!'' I start walking-skipping sideways next to him.</p><p>He hums and searches for the right sentence to say. '' My answer is - not in the slightest.''</p><p>He's picking up pace, which is easy to do with legs as long as his. I tug on his duster to slow him the fuck down and it works. Being around him makes me go weak at the knees.</p><p> '' You're not that bad yourself, too." We stop by his car. " You might look odd and goofy at first. Don't get me wrong, I thought that about you earlier,'' I giggle.</p><p>He shakes his head. '' Gee, thanks.'' </p><p>I lean on the back of the early eighties car, arms folded. '' I'm odd and I don't belong to any group or clique and I hate that I'm messy and all over the place. The brainless zombies, as you and Eric call them, have it so easy. Imagine if-''</p><p>He cuts me off, nodding like he knows what I'm talking about. '' They do. But I don't think you're odd.'' Dylan's blue eyes never meet mine.</p><p>My body stiffs. Tucking a piece of misbehaved hair behind my ear, I ask'' Really now?''</p><p>He walks over to me, face to face, voice low. '' You're sweet.''</p><p> '' You're only saying that out of pity!''</p><p>'' Dead-serious,'' his soft smile gives it away.</p><p>I reach out my hand and caress his cheek. '' I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.''</p><p>Not giving the awkward silence a chance, I dare to ask, " Did you mind me cuddling up behind you?"</p><p>Dylan adjusts his baseball cap. " Ah- well. I um... It felt nice."</p><p>The way he makes me feel is enough for me to forget about my freezing face and limbs.I can't feel them attached to my body anymore.</p><p>"I can do it more often."</p><p>His glasses are foggy thanks to the cold weather. Shuffling his boots, he says, "You don't need to I just said-"</p><p>I drag my finger to his mouth. "But I will because I enjoyed it as much as you." He takes my hand and holds it.</p><p>The tension can be sliced with a knife. His cheeks and nose turn a red shade even more intensly. I blame it on the fact that it's freezing outside. The street lamps illuminate his most prominent features. </p><p>" What's your favorite food?" his voice is shaking.</p><p>I stare off into the distance and think out loud. "Pumpkin spice pie. No,no. Chicken nuggets. French fries with a BBQ sauce drink..." Like the last time we went for lunch. </p><p>"Anything you like for dinner?"</p><p>I press my lips together, wondering where he is going with this. "My mom's lasagna."</p><p>"Lasagna it is."</p><p>"It is what it is. Wait, what is?" I furrow my brows together. A wave of pinching-cool air sweeps past my body and I hug myself. </p><p>He takes note of it and walks over to his side of the car. "Oh nothing. You doing anything tomorrow night?"</p><p>I follow him. "Depends on what your plans are. But yes for any adventure."</p><p>We're in silence the whole ride. It's not an uncomfortable silence like it was with Jenna. I'm assured that I can natter on and on about my irrational fears and make up stories about the people we pass by. No sign of opposition from him. </p><p>He sugguests stopping the vehicle at the start of the street. No need for more arguments and awkward moments with my folks. He's doing the right thing though. They weren't too pleased by me lying. Ha, but will that stop me from doing it again? Nope.</p><p>I hold the passenger door open after I get out,standing on the sidewalk. "Oh and Dylan?"</p><p>"Yeah?" he turns the radio volume lower.</p><p>"What's your favorite food?" I tease, biting my tounge between my crooked teeth with a smile.</p><p>" Pff,'' he reclines in his seat casually. ''White ant egg soup." </p><p>I play along, '' We had that for breakfast today.''</p><p>'' It's better if you put soft-boiled fetal duck in it.''</p><p>Jesus Christ. My smile freezes and face scrunches up. "Ew!"</p><p>I shut the door with a loud bang. I can hear Dyl's amused laugh behind closed door. When I turn around, I keep my fingers crossed it was strong enough to make the car fall apart. He would spend the night or something. I could introduce him to my parents in a proper way, have dinner and have them get along with him. Even though they almost caught me, they're still in on the story that I go everywhere with Jenna. Sometimes it's a blessing to have naive and busy parents.</p><p> The car doesn't back up until I'm almost at my house. Well, well. Who's the stalker now, Klebold.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. CH12// Alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Saturday evening, I somehow managed to kick myself to do some school stuff. Starting with the most interesting one, that way I won't lose my focus too easily. The crafting apron I'm wearing to stay inspired isn't helping this time. Fuck it. I can't deal with this literature home work anymore. If I called Robyn, that would ruin my mood. She's a pro at every subject but seeing her would make my eyes roll to the back of my head. Then I would see my brains. Holy shit. And my eyes would be just... White.</p>
<p>I cringe at my imagination. The music that's playing downstairs is no better. A very eighties ballad type of song. The music from last decade is fine with me, but not the gutwretching guitar solos and piano instrumentals. It needs a little spice. Wait. Six in the evening? Time to catch up on the latest episode of Friends.</p>
<p>I throw my blue pen down. The book lands on my bed. I sprint down the stairs. Racing to the living room, the awful music only gets louder. My parents are nowhere to be seen. I plop down on the awful leather couch and turn the TV on. A few giggles are coming from the kitchen. Curiosity gets the best of me and I can't hold myself from peaking into the kitchen.</p>
<p>The sight overwhelms me. My dad and mom, holding each other, slow dancing to the rhythm of yet another tune.</p>
<p>'' This used to be our song,'' dad stares helplessly into my mother's eyes.</p>
<p>My mom caresses his face,'' I love you as much as when we first met.'' Their lips connect sweetly.</p>
<p>My heart bursts into flames. The ballad doesn't seem so bad anymore. It suits this moment just right. I cover my mouth with my palm to keep myself from sobbing loud. My surroundings are blurred. Everything feels so real yet distantly fake.</p>
<p>They were never affectionate with me. Atleast they show love to each other this way. I hope I'll be a better parent. I will shower my children with hugs and kisses. Words were never enough, I needed action and until this day I do. I don't remember my mom embracing me unless it was for winning some competition or getting a good grade. My dad stays atleast two feet away from me now that I'm a teenager. We're strangers. It was no different when I was younger, but atleast he had the heart to play with me for the first 3 years of my life. Career and job wasn't on a pedestal for him back then. No wonder all I've ever been attracted to are unattainable boys. The thrill of the chase always got to me - it felt too familiar.</p>
<p>I dry my tears with my white crafting apron, careful not to get residual dry blobs of old paint on my face. The house phone starts ringing. I back away further from the kitchen door, to make myself less suspicious.</p>
<p>'' Marianne, pick it up!'' my mom yells out from the kitchen, unnecessarily loud, not knowing I'm here the whole time. Avoiding to break their special moment, I go for it. I jump on one wooden step, then thump on it around 10 times. Good enough. Running for the phone, I trip but catch myself on the couch. Phew, that was close.</p>
<p>I pick it up. '' Hello?''</p>
<p>'' Hey it's Dylan,'' the person on the other line says.</p>
<p>I twirl a piece of hair around my finger. '' Oh my, hi Dyl. What up's?'' I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, realizing what I just said. '' I mean, what's up?''</p>
<p>He giggles at my mistake. '' I'm home alone so I thought I would call you over. My mom made dinner. Lasagna.''</p>
<p>'' Yum!'' The moment gets interrupted by my mother's distant laugh. Which reminds me... '' What do I tell my parents though?''</p>
<p>'' I uh, thought you were the one who's good at coming up with random shit.''</p>
<p>'' So you want me to tell them I'm going for a walk alone when it's dark outside." I imitate a sqeaky female voice," <em>Oh and don't expect me to come sooner than 10 pm</em>! <em>Those old rapists take a long time to finish</em>. ''</p>
<p>''Not like that. Just say something like...''</p>
<p>A lightbulb switches on in my mind. ''I got it! Wait here, don't hang up.''</p>
<p>I put the phone down and get off the couch. In the kitchen, my parents are no longer having a romantic moment, but rather busy doing dishes and preparing toasts. The joys of a mundane life.</p>
<p>When mom sees me in the doorway, she turns off the tap water.</p>
<p>''Jenna is calling. She wants me over at her house for dinner.''</p>
<p>She rubs her hands in the dishtowel. '' Dinner? How nice, that hasn't happened in a long time.''</p>
<p>I give her my best cheerful smile. '' Yeah, that's why I'm excited to go!''</p>
<p>'' Is her mother home?" my expressions freezes at her question." Can I talk to her?''</p>
<p>Shit.</p>
<p>I stretch out my arms to each side of the doorway. '' Oh, no no no. She's home alone tonight.''</p>
<p>Mom shakes her head, stray pieces of hair from a loose ponytail swaying in her face. '' No wonder she is allowed to have a party every weekend. Her parents are almost never home!" And she sighs," poor girl.''</p>
<p>I raise my eyebrows at the uncertain answer. '' So? Can I go? I'll be back by 10...'' My voice quiets down.</p>
<p>Dad throws the two toasts on a ceramic plate and opens the fridge, while keeping strange eye contact with me. Mom starts putting dishware into the cupboard, ignoring me.</p>
<p>'' Alright, 9,'' I throw my hands up in defense. Geez, it's Saturday anyway.</p>
<p>'' You never left her house this early,'' dad stares at me in disbelief. One more assumption like that and I'm exposed.</p>
<p>'' Well, you know me. I'm getting older,'' I hunch my back, touching it with one hand like it's painful. '' Granny has to be in bed early!''</p>
<p>Mom finally says,''Change your clothes before you go," and tugs at my dirty apron. I take it as an indirect agreement.</p>
<p>Taking a step back, I roll my eyes." Whatever. It's not like she hasn't seen me at my worst. "</p>
<p>I wouldn't care if they didn't allow me to go, I'm going anyways. This is an opportunity that can't be wasted. Can you go Mari? Of course you can, Mari.</p>
<p>I get back to the phone. The patient person on the other line says, " Well? "</p>
<p>" They say I can go.'' My words come out almost like a whisper,'' Just had to tell them I'm going over to Jenna's. "</p>
<p>He jumps in on the whispering action," I'll get everything ready in the meantime. See you soon."</p>
<p>'' I'll be there in an hour.'' Biting my lip and smiling, I put the phone down. A good way to avoid getting asked more questions.</p>
<p><em>Get everything ready</em>, huh. It's not like the Royal family is coming over. Maybe that's part of the surprise! Lasagna with the Queen.</p>
<p>With that thought in my mind, I put on my best clothes. Or, what if his parents are actually home and he didn't want to tell me. Actually, let's go the homeless casual direction. That's more like me. A black sweater with rainbow stripe across the chest and sleeves. Baggy cargo jeans that I've customized with different chains and ribbons down the legs. Chunky boots. Elizabeth the Second, I'm coming for ya.</p>
<p>I head out at dusk. It's getting dark. Not the dangerous type of pitch black dark, but dark enough for the street lights to turn on. A long fur coat is keeping me warm, yet I'm shivering. What's the fucking deal, It's just another date with another guy who happens to maybe like me back.</p>
<p>This walk feels never-ending. My legs are giving up on me and I can barely feel them. I could have asked for a ride but that would give the plan away - I always went to Jenna's by foot, no matter the weather. If Dylan's house was fifteen minutes away when Zack drove us there, it must take fifteen multiplied by a hundred to get there. That's what it feels like, anyway.I go past familiar neighborhoods, stores, cafes, intuition guiding me. If it fails, it'll take it as a sign to visit Jenna.</p>
<p>After what feels like forever, a long winding road is ahead of me. That's how I know I'm going correctly. I keep my steps on the nearly frozen grass, which is rustling underneath my feet . Only a few cars are driving here, though. The surroundings are the same as I remember them - red rocks surrounding the area, trees lining the road. They're not a vibrant dark green color anymore, but rather faded. I keep looking around me, soaking in the magical atmosphere of this place. My knuckles are turning red, feet floating above the ground. Numb. Coldness is driving me insane and the thought of having to take the same route home makes me sick to my stomach.</p>
<p>I turn left and up the driveway,where Dyl's majestic house stands. In a small window high up on the side,the light is on. That might be his room. To make it faster, I sprint up, pushing my strenght and stamina to the limit. The night air is wicking my heat away faster than my body can replace it. Just now I notice how wide their garage is - it could fit more than 2 cars. I wonder if they're rich. If they are,Dylan is pretty humble about it. Not that money means anything.</p>
<p>I knock on the door. The wooden material against the frozen bones of my hands is stiff. The light switches on in the hall. A familiar figure opens it and looks at me with curiosity in his eyes. Hair ruffled, drops of water falling out of the pieces. Crooked glasses balancing on his nose.</p>
<p>'' Sorry I'm a little late,'' I hug my coat close to my body.</p>
<p>Dylan lets me in and warm air wraps my numb body. I feel him staring at me as I slide my coat off. My arm gets stuck in the sleeve. He helps me out with it and for a moment, his hand brushes against mine.</p>
<p>" Jesus you're an icicle,'' his voice is strained and higher than usual. He handles my coat with care just like he does with his own, and hangs it on a hanger. '' Let me get you a blanket." And before I can protest, he is bouncing up the stairs.</p>
<p>'' No you don't need to,'' I call after him, '' Light up the fireplace or something.''</p>
<p>I get seated in the living room. Hope he doesn't mind it. The TV screen is black, couch looks neatly cleaned.</p>
<p>"I'm so stupid," I think out loud, burying my face into my hands. My body can't keep still.</p>
<p>"You should have told me to pick you up," the voice I know too well says,coming up behind me. He's holding a huge, brown blanket in his arms. His face falls at the sight of me.</p>
<p>I lean back as far as possible on the comfortable couch and bring my legs up.</p>
<p>"I didn't want to bother.'' I sigh. ''Look, I'm still alive. That matters.''</p>
<p>He throws the blanket over me, his hand resting on my back for a second longer. He smooths it out and I pull it closer to my body. The fuzzy material tickles my neck and a heatwave travels through my body.</p>
<p>Dylan plops down beside me on the edge of the seat. Back hunched, head down. In an instant, his hand runs through his blond mane. "It's dangerous to walk alone at night. Bad things could have happened." His eyes shift down and sideways.</p>
<p>The painful memories spark up a downward spiral of Evan's voice in my head. I pinch my skin enough to make me whince. Dylan notices and furrows his eyebrows.</p>
<p>" Don't go that direction. I'm whole and that is all that matters, alright?"</p>
<p>"Yeah,'' he nods. '' Just please be careful next time."</p>
<p>One simple sentence is enough to tickle my stomach and heat up my chest. I move closer to Dyl. He doesn't look up, but I see him stealing glances under his fluttering eyelashes. The blanket goes over his body as well. It's big enough to cover us both, and there's still enough fabric at the sides. Our shoulders touch and I can't help but smile,</p>
<p>" I promise."</p>
<p>We sit here in this position for a good while, catching up on today's mundane events. Somehow, this turns into discussing the brilliant idea of a UFO saucer kidnapping me and dropping me off at Dyl's house. It would delete my parents' memories. Then me and Dyl would fly to Mexico to start our drug dealing life.</p>
<p>He shows me around the house more in depth. The first floor, atleast. I can imagine it would be awkward for him to go to his room with a girl when the parents aren't home. I left the blanket in the living room, because it warmed me up to the point of sweating.</p>
<p> The last room I get shown is their spacious kitchen. Cabinets made of two-color wood, light and dark. All kinds of spices and flavors organized on top of it. It looks freshly cleaned. He heats up the lasagna in the oven, even though I tell him it would be just as good microwaved.</p>
<p>I take a seat in the dining room. To pass time, admiring beautiful artwork hanging on the walls does the trick. I wonder who painted it. Or it was bought from a professional artist. Either way, I can't get enough of it. Robyn was at his house plenty of times for sure. No, not these thoughts again. Can my thoughts stop ruining the mood every time I get excited? Geez.</p>
<p>Dylan comes back carrying two plates. A slice of my favorite food on each. I'm so happy his mom made this.</p>
<p>Lasagna. Our conversation yesterday. It clicks. Oh my god, he's so sweet. He told his mom to make this especially for me. She might know I'm here and she's okay with it. Heat spills through my body at that thought.</p>
<p>He sits down on the opposite side of the table. I sniff the meal in front of me. " It smells so good, whatever it is made of. "</p>
<p>He tilts his head, " I'm no chef but based on the look of it, it might be the basic ingredients. "</p>
<p>I burst out laughing " Your mother doesn't use glue in it like mine does! "</p>
<p>He picks up salt in a spice container. " We don't have that, will this do? "</p>
<p>" Hell yeah my dude," I grab it from him." Muchas gracias, merci."</p>
<p>Dylan is ready to dig into his food. I put the fork down before I get a chance to taste it.</p>
<p>" How groovy would it be if the table was decorated?" I stretch out my arms and my hands sculpt a vase shape in the air. "Imagine flowers in the middle and matching napkins... "</p>
<p>He chews and stands up. " We have these. Fake ones, '' he brings a black vase of white roses from a small table behind me. Perfect. I arrange it in the middle of the table. But he doesn't stop there and goes up to a nearby display cabinet. '' What about the finest plates in the whole town? "</p>
<p>Those plates look expensive and luxurious. For sure never used. " What are they? Made of gold? " I ask.</p>
<p>He shrugs. " Just my parents' wedding gift. It's never been used.''</p>
<p>Finally he comes over and sits down.</p>
<p>" You'd use their precious possession like this? " I shake my head in disbelief.</p>
<p>A small smile appears on his lips, looking down at the lasagna. " Atleast it would be useful. "</p>
<p>" Right, but if your mother came through that damn door,'' I point at them behind me, '' and saw this, It's your fault."</p>
<p>" I'm willing to take the blame," he assures me and digs into the food. I do the same.</p>
<p>" Bon apetit Dyl." For a short moment I watch him bring the fork to his mouth and chew. Our eyes lock in this uncomfortable position and he becomes tense again. I give him a tight-lipped smile before focusing on the content of the plate in front of me.</p>
<p>We eat in silence. Comfortable silence, not the bad kind. Only clinking of the metal fork against the plate can be heard. Every word he has told me so far goes through my mind a million times and I can't resist not stealing glances every once in a while. The way he does everything is so considerate and gentle. So different from what I'm used to.</p>
<p>I need to tell him today. I told him many times indirectly but I have to be straight up blunt. He never got the hint or atleast acts like he didn't. I find myself daydreaming,staring at my food with wide eyes. When I finish the first slice, I ask for more. We eat the whole thing together. That's how good Mrs. Klebold's cooking skills are.</p>
<p>Dylan insisted on cleaning up the dishes. His hair is now completely dry. I stand next to him,lower back against the counter with my arms folded. He does a good job at it, even my mother would be impressed.</p>
<p>With the corner of my eye I notice a white fluffball creeping up into the kitchen. I open my mouth to point it out and scream. It gets closer and I'm relieved at my realization.</p>
<p>"Ah you have a cat! ''I squat down to rub her soft,fluffy head. " Why didn't you tell me? I love animals!"</p>
<p>He looks down and smiles playfully. "That's Rocky.''</p>
<p>How Ironic, the biggest Columbine bully was named Rocky. Graduated last year, thankfully.</p>
<p>Dyl keeps talking, '' Had him since third grade. Our other cat should be upstairs."</p>
<p>Other cat? Oh my god, I'm in paradise.</p>
<p>Rocky purrs against my leg and closes his eyes peacefully. Cats really have a calming effect. I smooth out his fur and scratch him behind his ear.</p>
<p>In a childish, sqeaky voice I say, "You're so adorable. I'd snuggle you right here on the floor if your dada wasn't here."</p>
<p>Dylan dries his hands and keeps looking down upon me. His eyebrows furrowed. He huffs out, "Dada?"</p>
<p>I pick Rocky up and hold him close to my chest. "Yes, you! Kiss your son atleast." I lean towards Dylan and the cat meows.</p>
<p>" That's not my-" Dylan protests. The cat stares right into his orbs.</p>
<p>I tilt my head and scratch Rocky's back. "You know what they say. Don't be a pussy and kiss the pussy." I plant a smooch on his white fur, at which he responds with a pur.</p>
<p>Dylan chuckles and pecks his head, then wipes his mouth, '' Ew, stupid cat hair.''</p>
<p>I have some on my clothes too but I couldn't care less. With nothing much to do, I sugguest we watch a movie. I let him pick since we're at his place. While he's setting up the VHS, I turn on the radio out of sheer curiousity. Between switching stations and Dyl deciding on the movie, I nervously tap my foot. A familiar song blasts out.</p>
<p>
  <em>And the night goes by so very slow</em>
  <br/>
  <em> I hope that it won't end though</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Alone</em>
</p>
<p>I squeal, jumping across the room to him. '' Ahhh Dylan! That's a groovy song!''</p>
<p>He grins ear-to-ear and stops paying attention to the tapes. I grab him by his waist, pulling him close to me. His face becomes dull and cheeks red. Our noses are inches away. I take his arms and set them firmly on either sides of my waist. Dylan avoids looking at me. It's obvious he doesn't feel to sure about himself by the way he touches me - almost like a ghost.</p>
<p>My hands wrap around his neck. Just now I notice his necklace with beads. Did he always have that?</p>
<p>One step to the right, and one to the left. He stands still.</p>
<p>I encourage him, "Don't think, just do what I do!"</p>
<p>Dyl follows my moves imperfectly and unsure but in sync.</p>
<p>He hides his head in shame, "Oh gawd."</p>
<p>I brush it off, and rather try to make him more comfortable. Poor guy acts like he never touched a girl before. Maybe he didn't. I let him take the lead with me. He doesn't relax even then, and the music isn't his favorite either.</p>
<p>" Any idea who you're going to prom with?" In my mind I cross my fingers hoping he doesn't say Robyn or any other girl.</p>
<p>It's becoming more and more talked about at school. I'd for sure love to go, even if it's with just my friends. It has to be more fun than any of Jenna's stupid parties.</p>
<p>"Uh I don't think I'm going." he turns his face away from me. Alright, he either dislikes me or pretends to like me. Or both at the same time.</p>
<p>"Why not?" </p>
<p>" That's not important. It's in five months anyways."</p>
<p>I bite my bottom lip. He hates me. No, he doesn't! I'm in his house right now, what are the chances of some guy inviting a girl over because he hates her. My exes would do that. Screw it, Dylan is different.</p>
<p>"You know I was thinking of going with Eric," my eyebrows wiggle. He looks me dead in the eyes, searching for an answer, dissapointed. "Nahh I'm just kidding dude!" I slap his arm which makes him ease up.</p>
<p>I get on my tiptoes, chin on his shoulder. I mumble, "I'd go with you if you asked me nicely first."</p>
<p>God, I've never been this close to him, other than hugging.</p>
<p>"I'll need time to think about it," his arms wrap around my back. Against my chest, his heart is beating so fast, it only mirrors my own. His cheek presses against the side of my head. Wire frame of the prescription glasses pokes my hair.</p>
<p>
  <em>You don't know how long I have wanted</em>
  <br/>
  <em>To touch your lips and hold you tight</em>
</p>
<p>" This song sucks, " Dyl whispers into my ear, hot breath tickling my skin.</p>
<p>" It's not that bad," I whisper back into his ear. His body eases up as he surrounds himself to the embrace. I rub the back of his neck, intuitively sensing how much he enjoys affection.</p>
<p>Dylan points out, '' You're so tiny.''</p>
<p>I gasp, "How dare you,giraffe. I'm only a head shorter."</p>
<p>"No I mean your hands...'' his grip on me tightens.'' They're small.''</p>
<p>" Well you see, my hands might be small but my personality isn't. Or my body. I eat a lot. It pisses me off."</p>
<p>Dylan stops moving and so do I." I wouldn't call you fat. Did someone ever call you that?"</p>
<p>"Not directly. But by the standards of the popular girls, I'm nowhere near skinny." I sigh at the thought of that. "I want to be like them. But a bigger part of me wishes to be different."</p>
<p>We start swaying again to the climax of the song.</p>
<p>Dylan's voice is tense when he says, " I really... I really thought you were like them when we first met. I mean, you didn't look the part it's just..."</p>
<p>I roll my eyes at that. I thought he saw it my way, but now I doubt it.</p>
<p>" Not all people are the same only because they're in one clique. Same with jocks. I know plenty who are nice people."</p>
<p>He quickly says, "Don't mention it."</p>
<p>I continue nevertheless, "My point is, don't judge a book by its cover. Cliche, I know."</p>
<p>He stays silent. No words, no sounds coming from him. I might have said something wrong. God, Dylan it would be so much easier if you said what you think.</p>
<p>I pull away a little bit to see his beautiful face clearly. "Are you okay?"</p>
<p>"Pff, yeah I'm fine," he doesn't dare to look me in the eyes.</p>
<p>I need to cheer him up. Now is the right time.</p>
<p>"Can I tell you a secret?"</p>
<p>Dylan wistfully glances at me, "Yeah?"</p>
<p>" I feel this warmth in my chest when ever I'm with you or talk to you. Like this deep sense of caring.'' I let go of him and our eyes lock. Neither of us blinks. '' I like you a lot. And not just as a friend. I hope you finally get where I'm going with this..."</p>
<p>Instinctually, his head lowers down. I take the opportunity to kiss his hair-covered forehead. On my tip toes, I cup his cheeks and push his head a bit higher. No hesitation. My lips crash on his, more forcefully than I intended to. Time seems to stretch and multiply by thousands. My knees get weak and I give into the moment. I can only focus on how gentle he feels against my mouth. His soft lips tremble against mine as a plead for love. I pull away slowly. His eyes stay shut.</p>
<p>With my thumbs on his cheeks, I rub his skin. "It's okay you can open your eyes."</p>
<p>'' I'm savoring this sweet moment,'' Dylan's voice breaks. My fingers travel up to his scalp, digging into his blond mane. I smooth out his hair, taking my precious time.</p>
<p>'' You're so cute, Dyl,'' the tip of my nose presses against his and he can't help but let out a giggle. When his eyes open as if in slow motion, he becomes unsure about himself again. A red line across his cheeks and nose.</p>
<p>I press myself into him, wanting to be a part of his fragile figure. He hovers over me, but that's not the reason why I feel protected and safe. His warmth blends with mine.</p>
<p>'' How was it?'' he asks.</p>
<p>'' Better than I expected. That's much to say as I always expect the unexpectable,'' I laugh lightheartedly.</p>
<p>Neither of us know what to do or say after a moment like this. A special moment I will remember for the rest of my life.</p>
<p>Movie tapes are laid on the coffee table. Dylan did pick out one but forgot which one it was. The kiss must have had a memory-losing effect on him. I go along with whatever he wants to watch now. I get comfortable in the corner of the couch, kick my legs up and straighten them out, and cover myself with the blanket. To make some space for Dyl, I bend my knees and bring them closer to my chest. He sits down closer to me than he was before. The room is dark, lights switched off. Only the television is illuminating his prominent features. Especially those sparkling eyes behind glasses reflecting the screen.</p>
<p>The movie is halfway through. I force myself to yawn and my feet end up in his lap. My heart beats a thousand times per minute. He shifts in his seat, and tries his best to focus on the television.</p>
<p>I chuckle at him. " You're getting all flustered because of my feet?"</p>
<p>No answer. That can only mean he isn't comfortable talking about it. Well, I'll respect him and get them off.</p>
<p>"No, it's okay keep them here, " he mumbles,not thinking twice. So I do as he says, sucking my lips in. Watching him struggling to sit still and running his hand through his hair for the 50th time, I get an idea to spice it up.</p>
<p>"Wanna give me a massage?"</p>
<p>Dylan's head turns to me fast, "D-do you want me to?"</p>
<p>I simply nod. His fingers press into the soles of my tiny feet. He adjusts his glasses when his gaze focuses on them. As always, he is being respecful and not harsh. But the red shade on his face and restlessness tells me something else.</p>
<p>I shoot up, sitting straight, my mouth open, " I get it now! You're into feet!"</p>
<p>" What?" he exhales through his nose loudly, "No, that's weird."</p>
<p>"A teenage dude being all nervous because my feet are on him. It's obvious, " I lick my bottom lip, scanning him up and down.</p>
<p>I keep watching him with his eyebrows furrowed, focusing on what's in his lap. I catch him curiously looking at me for reassurance.</p>
<p>He asks, "Is this good?"</p>
<p>I nod, "Yeah you're quite an expert at it. Take my sock off, " I lift my foot up closer to his face.</p>
<p>He does so quite willingly, his skin against mine makes me shiver. I take my sock from him and hide it under the blanket. His massaging technique gets more intense as I lay my head back onto the couch. Dylan touches a weak spot and it causes me to let out a quiet moan.</p>
<p>" Uh..." he avoids looking at me and rather focuses on the TV. Clearly frightened.</p>
<p>I pull my foot back. "Geez alright I can stop." Even though I don't want to.</p>
<p>I don't bother to put my sock back on. It's quite warm in the house. I'm not sure if it was like that before we kissed.</p>
<p>I scoot closer to Dyl and put the blanket over both of us. He has no idea how he is the blame for my burning thighs. Throwing my arm around him, I place my head on his shoulder.</p>
<p>My mouth gets closer to his ear. "How do you spend your nights?"</p>
<p>Dylan is taken aback. "Oh,playing games...'' he clears his throat, '' Doom and Quake and that stuff."</p>
<p>His chest heaves when I put my palm where his heart is, "Good to know. I count sheep."</p>
<p>Soon enough we forget that a movie is still rolling in front of us. Even though we stare ahead of us, it's like it is playing in the background. Consciously, we're not paying attention. My head on his chest, listening to the drumming of his heart. His arm over my shoulder now, yet he is still self-conscious. As I continue telling him my vacation stories , I wish I was in a different position where I could see his beautiful face and reactions to my blabbing.</p>
<p>'' You'd love California. It's steaming hot there,'' I scratch the back of my head. '' The beaches are wonderful. We could buy a house by the beach! And own a poodle.''</p>
<p>'' Cats are better than dogs,'' Dylan states, leaving me shocked.</p>
<p>'' Are you kidding me?'' I shake my head against his torso, '' No way!''</p>
<p>'' Yes way,'' he grins lazily. '' But I could get used to living with a dog,''</p>
<p>I struggle trying look up at him, '' Anything for me, am I right? "</p>
<p>" Right... " he glances back down at me, coy smile on his lips.</p>
<p>The entrance door creaks, like somebody is opening it. It can be heard even with the TV volume way up high.</p>
<p>A familiar female voice announces, '' Dylan? We're home!''</p>
<p>With big,wide eyes we look at each other for a moment. Both of us realize this isn't a pleasant situation to be in. Especially with my feet bare and pressed against Dylan's body. Fully clothed, but it would need a lot of explaining.</p>
<p>Dylan jumps out of the couch. '' Shit, the table!'' he sprints into the dining room.</p>
<p>We left the decorations on there. So what if somebody sees it? It's not like I'm a secret. In fact, I'm a big open book. Not for the secretive boy,though.</p>
<p>I yell after him, '' The table? What about this here!''</p>
<p>His head peaks into the room, and I lift up my feet for him to see. '' Put on your socks.''</p>
<p>I throw my head back in laugher, deciding to tease a bit more, '' Hide your boner Mr. Foot fetish.''</p>
<p>'' Geez'' is all I can hear from him before he greets the people who came in. Must be his parents. Mrs. Klebold seems to be curious about what her son was doing. I thought she knew I was gonna be here, but listening to her questions, I doubt it.</p>
<p>'' Whose shoes are those? And the coat? Is somebody here?''</p>
<p>Dylan's voice is high and tense when he explains, '' Yeah actually. Mari. You know, the one who came over uninvited on my birthday.''</p>
<p>'' That adorable girl!'' the joy in her words is audible. '' Aw Dyl. I'll talk to her.''</p>
<p>I get up as well, not wanting her to see me in this position. Cuddled up under their blanket in the living room. My feet are no longer bare but still. Unless she isn't like my parents. I doubt she is, everybody is better than my parents.</p>
<p>Leaning against the wall in their hall, I wait for her to take off her jacket. Dylan didn't tell me where exactly his parents went but judging by her outfit, it must have been a dinner date of some kind. Cute, my parents never do that.</p>
<p>When she turns around I give her a warm smile. Her eyes go big at the sight of me - disheveled hair, tired eyes and untucked sweater. We greet each other with a quick hug. She smells of fish and a fresh scent of perfume. Yep, definitely dinner.</p>
<p>I thank her for the effort and the food,</p>
<p>'' Mrs. Klebold, the lasagna was delicious,'' her eyes shift between me and Dylan as I keep on talking, '' I thought nothing could top my mother's but yours was godlike.''</p>
<p>I manage to make her smile, even though she doesn't look too happy that Dyl called me over without her knowing.'' I'm glad you liked it. I can pack a few slices for your parents.''</p>
<p>'' No need to,'' I look over at Dyl, who's standing on the side with folded arms watching our interaction.</p>
<p>He adds, '' Yeah, we ate it all.''</p>
<p>Mrs. Klebold chuckles at him, '' Your apetite... never fails to amaze me.'' She goes to the kitchen. I get closer to Dyl, realizing it doesn't feel right to leave him alone after what has happened.</p>
<p>He fixes up his glasses and says to his mom,'' Mari ate most of it.''</p>
<p>'' Not nice to blame it on the girl,'' I hear her say from the other room.</p>
<p>Once again I get on my tiptoes to reach his ear, and I whisper, '' You hear that? Don't blame it on me! I will beat you up.'' My clenched fist gets awfully close to his face. We both laugh.</p>
<p>He tenses up again. '' Mari, that's- my dad.'' I turn around on my heel to see a balding older man, not much shorter than his son.</p>
<p>I hesitate whether or not to hug him like I did with Mrs. Klebold. Then I decide to give him a handshake. ''Ha, I'm finally meeting you Mr. Klebold! I'm Dylan's'' I pause to think about what to say next, ''friend.''</p>
<p>Dyl definitely has his dad's smile and face. "Son, is this the girl you told us about? Very nice to see you."</p>
<p>He told them about me. My god, I adore him.</p>
<p>Mr. Klebold exchanges a few words with Dylan in privacy and then he goes upstairs. I begin putting on my shoes, followed by the warm coat.</p>
<p>Loud enough for both of his parents to hear, I say, "You guys are so nice! I better get going before my parents find this suspicious."</p>
<p>Immediately, I regret saying it. Well, It's not like their parents know mine. The call while I was at Jenna's party doesn't mean anything.</p>
<p>Dylan and I lock eyes when I wrap my hand around the doorknob. Ready to step out into the cold again. He signals me to stay and dissapears into the kitchen.</p>
<p>"Can I drive her home? I'll be careful," Dylan tells his mom.</p>
<p>"Sure, take the keys. Drive safely!"</p>
<p>I yell my goodbye to Mrs. Klebold before kissing the white cat on his head.</p>
<p>" Bye Rocky. Mommy will see you very soon. I love you kitty."</p>
<p>Dylan shuts the door behind him. Black duster and baseball cap on, of course.</p>
<p>Finally I get to see their huge garage. Three cars are parked in there, out of which there's one Dylan drives. His voice echoes in the spacious space when he tells me about his mom's job with disabled children. It's one hour away so she needs a vehicle. The other car is his dad's, I assume.</p>
<p>We drive off into the night. Barely even leaving their driveway and he already scolds me.</p>
<p>" You adopted my pet," an overly serious expression on his face. "That's rude."</p>
<p>I tilt my head. "Rude how? Rocky has a loving mom and dad now. The family is complete."</p>
<p>" You should have met him sooner, " he sighs, staring off into the dark abyss. Only two lights illuminating the road ahead of us.</p>
<p>I open my mouth then close. Without me thinking twice about it, I slap his arm. "I wish I had! Dude I'd been eying you for months. If only I had been more brave."</p>
<p>Oops, I shouldn't have said that. Why can't I be like him and shut up most of the time.</p>
<p>His eyebrows shoot up. "Months? Seriously?"</p>
<p>I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. " You know, I get shy and giddy about certain, specific, but only a few... People."</p>
<p>"I was one of them," he thinks out loud, trying to put the pieces together.</p>
<p>I nod energetically, smiling.</p>
<p>A topic I thought he wasn't gonna want to talk about gets brought up. " Did you like the kiss? Was I alright?"</p>
<p>I let my hand brush against his cheek, knowing he enjoys it. " Certainly better than my last boyfriend. Less tounge and more charm."</p>
<p>God, Mari will you ever shut up? Exes keep haunting me like ghosts of the past. That's where I should have left them but no, my mind decides they're apart of me.</p>
<p>Dylan scans my face. "I don't know what to make of this."</p>
<p>Great, that's just great.</p>
<p>Sensing he needs reassurance, I say, " It was a compliment."</p>
<p>The air would be otherwise heavy, if he didn't let his goofy side come through. In a high-pitched Donald Duck voice, he quacks, " Stop it I'm blushing!"</p>
<p>I lose it completely, convulsing, not making any sound while my mouth is full-on open. Breathless. Tears form in my squeezed eyes, feet stomp and I cover my face.</p>
<p>Dylan is beyond amused at my animated way of laughing and is doing his best not to burst into one.</p>
<p>I place both hands on my chest, catching a breath. All I can say is, " No,<em> I</em> am blushing,'' before giving into another fit of laughter.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. CH 13// Odd One Out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>'' Hughes residence,'' a deep voice on the other side of the phone line says. I sit down on my bed.</p>
<p>Jenna's dad. I haven't heard him in ages. Last time was sometime in August. He cussed off my best friend for smelling of cigarettes, even though it wasn't her who smoked it. A couple of the popular girls we had hung out with , who all claim to be fit healthy queens, did. That fact couldn't get through his brain.</p>
<p>'' Good evening, It's me Mari.'' I wait for him to speak up and when he doesn't, I take the opportunity. '' May I speak to Jenna please?''</p>
<p>'' Sure Mari, hold on.''</p>
<p>During the long pause, I bite on my fingernails. Who cares if I swallow the nailpolish. Hell, we eat chemicals everyday without knowing it. It's not like I'd die of poisoning.</p>
<p> Finally, the phone gets picked up again.</p>
<p>'' Yes?'' the tone of my friend's voice is grating, like scratching nails against a blackboard. She's the nail. I'm the blackboard.</p>
<p>I sigh in relief. '' Jenna can we talk? I know I've been acting stra-''</p>
<p>She utters an annoyed 'tsk'. She speaks fast, uncoorinated, it's clear she wants to get this over with. '' You and me are over. You can fuck your nerdy boyfriend how often you want, sit with his group at lunch all you want. I don't care anymore. Put him before your loyal friends who were always there for you. Okay? I'm not interested in talking to you. I don't even want to see you again. Bye <em>girl</em>.''</p>
<p>I grab onto my phone with force, lips sucked in, and before Jenna can end the call first, I do it. The smack against the dial pad of the phone set is loud. I involunarily slide down from the edge of my bed, on the carpet. A great tremor overtakes me. My expression scrunches up into an ugly cry-face as the tears run down my warm cheeks. The sobs are audible, filling up the otherwise quiet room. I reach out for a quilted pillow from the top of my bed, and bury my face in it. It gets wet with tears and saliva. The waterfall doesn't seem to end.</p>
<p>About one hour of being locked up in my bedroom, wheeping, my body had been drained of energy. When reaching for the door handle, I trip over a box laying around. The contents of it spill out onto the floor. Photographs.</p>
<p>I kneel down on one knee and begin skimming through them, flipping one by one with my fingers.</p>
<p>There's Jenna and I before a middle school dance, standing next to each other with awkward grins. Teased early nineties hair. Both wearing the same green dress we begged our moms to buy us when shopping together. She hooked me up with a cute boy, but got herself an even cuter one. That was because, as always, she didn't want me to feel left out. I wonder why that's changed.</p>
<p>The price you pay for associating yourself with a shallow clique is high. It costs a years-long bond. I love each person as an individual. Crowds of people, however, I despise. They have a collective mentality or something.</p>
<p>Another one with my former best friend, taken on a camping trip both of our parents took. I'm in the front holding out my hand, a small bug on it. Jenna and her brother David are in the background, legs lifted like it was taken mid-walk. All three of us are in neon printed baggy shorts. Plain tees tucked in. I haven't seen David since three years ago, the day before he dissapeared. No one's heard of him, but rumor has it that he associates himself with junkies. Probably overdosed by now.</p>
<p>A more recent photobooth, probably from 1996 - our freshman year. My hair in a messy up-do, layered necklaces around my neck as always. Hers is perfectly straightened out, and shiny lipgloss calls attention to her lips. We're both puckering our lips, doing weird poses. Those were the times. Sleeping over at each other's houses, and a few other girlfriends'. Watching them smoke,drink and get high for the first time. I never said no to weed, but cigarette was a big no-no. Now as the sadness had swallowed me, I'm craving one.</p>
<p>I flip to the next photo. Oh my god, me and Brett kissing. What was it, last year? Crazy how much can change in 365 days. His kisses were nothing compared to what Dylan's did to my body, and my whole being. I feel rebirthed. I am a virgin again, excited about every move he makes. Shaking limbs when he comes near me.</p>
<p>My mom is standing in the doorway, unannounced. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.She never knocks on my door, but doesn't come to my room either.</p>
<p> I gather the spread out photos and throw them back into the box,almost ripping some apart.</p>
<p>"Honey, are you okay? You look pale,'' she is concerned.</p>
<p>"Yeah it's nothing," I keep my head down.</p>
<p>When she leaves, I lay my back on the hard carpet-covered floor. A few spare photos of people who are in my past, next to me. This is definitely the end of us. Mari and Jenna forever. My stomach twists and turns at the thought of seeing her at school tomorrow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Spirit week is the best fucking week of the entire school year. Dressing up how ever we want, are you kidding? Last year was a blast. Jenna, some girls who I don't talk to anymore and I wore matching purple pjamas with chinese motifs. I modified them with a black marker, and wrote our names on the front. I attached a hardware chain to my flannel pants and wore slippers covered in pins of different artists I like. I clearly remember the stoners and other 'odd' people getting extra teasing for nothing by some athletes. This year, that could be me.</p>
<p>We're starting off the week with colors of our high school. For that reason, I'm wearing a huge neon yellow coat. Blue, the actual color representing my school, sucks. Supporting something I don't agree with mentally, emotionally, morally? I could never. A suspension would be great right now, as we have a shit ton of exams I don't plan to study for.</p>
<p>Devon, I and other girls from her friend group stand in a circle. Close to the lockers so that we can't get pushed by athletes for being 'in their way'. They're in blue and grey clothes, just like majority of the students today. I stand out with my coat and get weird stares, but it's not like I wasn't experiencing this before.</p>
<p>She's reading an extremely cheesy and phony article about what guys find hot and what not. I never understood people who are interested in this useless information. Teen magazines are brainwashing.</p>
<p>I roll my eyes for the hundredth time. '' Dev why are you reading this out loud? Who cares if Johny from literature class who sits in the back and never says a word thinks I'm a whore.''</p>
<p>She holds out her hand in front of her. '' It only gets better, listen here - slut signals. Jeff writes - <em>deadhead girls in tie dye t-shirts and Birkenstocks tend to be easy...</em>''</p>
<p>My homemade tie-dye shirt peeking underneath my open yellow coat catches their attention. I'm not taking it off today.</p>
<p>'' That's a lot of bullshit. This magazine can burn in Californian sun!'' I grab it and tug on it. Half of the page rips up.</p>
<p>She stops me, clenching my wrist mid-air. '' Wait! <em>-because they like to act completely carefree, it's a part of their lada-dish attitude</em>.''</p>
<p>A girl in baggy clothes and a stylish bob speaks up. '' Here's my message to Jeff. I hope your insides rot.''</p>
<p>Another one with a more sophisticated style, standing closest to Dev asks, '' Where did you get that mag from?''</p>
<p>'' I bought it for shits and giggles. Insane how someone would take this or their dating advice seriously.''</p>
<p>'' Yeah. " I agree with her." If I had to write an article, it would be<b> trust your gut </b>in big bold letters.''</p>
<p>'' Trust your gut and never date a boy. Date a <em>man</em>!'' Devon wiggles her eyebrows at me. Yep, Dylan. Totally a man, stuck in a boy's body.</p>
<p>My hand travels into the huge pocket of the coat and for my dear life I hold onto a folded paper. One in which Dylan let me know how much everything I did meant to him. I discovered it only this morning after first period. Devon said it's the sweetest thing ever from him.</p>
<p>A blonde passes by me and once again I am reminded of how forgetful I am.</p>
<p>Alarmed, I say, ''I promised Brandi to give her back her notebook. Shit. See you later!'' Together, they pull me into a quick goodbye hug before I run.</p>
<p>Brandi doesn't seem to be slowing down and I soon lose her in the sea of blue whales. I won't bother looking for her. Whatever.</p>
<p>I turn on my heel to go the other way, where my last class is supposed to be on the second floor. I push myself through some buff seniors and lost freshmen. The thing I can't miss, though, is my former best friend with her two other 'accessories'.  Only inches from me. Here I come, tears have already been shred, no need to do that again Mari.</p>
<p>They shoot me a look, all three at the same time, then Jenna whispers something to them and they turn away. I keep walking, shoulders back, chin up, proud of how I appear to others.</p>
<p>I feel sudden pressure on my shoulder. My knees fail under my weight. The hard floor hurts my body like falling onto a thousand knives. My hands are spread out as they catch me before my face could make contact with the dirty tiles. I'm dizzy and everything feels like it was slowed down.</p>
<p>A few giggles come from behind me. Hushed girly laughs and whispers.</p>
<p>I blink a few times, only to realize that a teacher is not too far away. How is no one seeing this?</p>
<p>Turning my head around, I see Jenna and the two other chicks.</p>
<p>''What did I do to you?!'' I ask, heart pumping, adrenaline rushing through my veins.</p>
<p>Their faces turn cold. Jenna stupidly asks, '' What do you mean?'' and tilts her head like she doesn't know what I'm saying.</p>
<p>'' You're the one who's changed!" I raise my voice, sitting up." I thought you were better than this.''</p>
<p>Salty tears rush to the brim of my eyes. Not again. Mari, man up.</p>
<p>The three musketeers keep walking, heads together, chatting.</p>
<p>Brooks is passing by with a group of guys from the alternative crowd. Even though they're in a hurry, he notices me. Out of tens of students who ignored me. I take a few deep breaths to hold back the tears. He walks to me slowly. His friends continue going ahead, looking confused. Brooks squats down to check on me. '' Shit are you okay?''</p>
<p>'' My knee hurts,'' I massage it. '' But I'm fine,really.''</p>
<p>He pulls me up from the ground and I never take my eyes off him. A dark stubble is covering his face. He has to be taller than Dyl. I dust off my beloved coat, feeling my face heat up like an oven.</p>
<p>'' Let's find your boyfriend," he scans the hallway." Have you seen him around ?''</p>
<p>Now who told him that I have a <em>boyfriend</em>. He can't be a mind reader, that's my job.</p>
<p>'' Isn't he in the smokers pit?'' I remember Dyl telling me he goes there to smoke during school time.</p>
<p>He takes my wrist and says, '' Let's have a look there.''</p>
<p>Something about that makes me go into a fit of laughter. He's just so straight-up.</p>
<p>I begin to regain my senses. Before I know it, we are exiting the building. '' No I can't ditch the class! Actually, I can. '' I make up my indecisive ass real quick.</p>
<p>I tug my hand away from his grip and button the coat up. It's getting colder and colder every day. Oh my, the nearby lake might be frozen soon! It would be cool to check it out there.</p>
<p>Brooks leads the way. We pass by the parked vehicles. He turns to me, and walks backwards.</p>
<p>'' Is this your first time ditching or what?''</p>
<p>'' How surprised on a scale of 1 to 10 would you be if I said yes?'' I raise my eyebrows.</p>
<p>'' Straight 10. Welcome to the high school life,'' his arms are open wide, as if welcoming me.</p>
<p>He waits for me to catch up and we slow down our straddle, no need to rush anywhere. I bite the inside of my cheeks. The scene of getting pushed down keeps replaying in my mind like a broken record. I was so close to the floor, I almost broke my nose. The teacher didn't bother to look my way once. So many students passed by, paying attention to what is in front of them. Who would stare down at the floor anyway, when they have more important things to do with life. Like win a football game, get a trophy, go to a party on Friday or hit the mall.</p>
<p>The wind whistles into my ear. My hair gets a blowout, most of it going into my face. I flip it back. '' Brooks, how many people saw me on the floor?''</p>
<p>'' Not many, just about one quarter of the school." He smirks, hugging his black varsity jacket closer to his chest.</p>
<p>'' Go to hell! '' I push him lightly and he does it back. We both laugh.</p>
<p>'' I'm sorry about what she did to you.'' he says in a bland tone, '' I thought you were best friends?''</p>
<p>'' Oh, not anymore. Not since September or so. She hates that I started hanging out with people like you. The funny thing is, she used to be like them,'' my hands start to tremble. '' Basically, the only reason why I got to hang out with the preps and athletes was because of her. Now I lost everything.''</p>
<p>We're almost at the Clement park, off the school grounds. A wall of jocks walk towards us. They don't move to the side and neither do we. Brooks stays calm and collected. I hide behind him. Right through the centre of their wall,we walk through.</p>
<p>He continues talking, staring off into the distance. '' You're supposed to get a signed pass from your parents to smoke at school but I don't think Dylan did, his parents are strict about these things.''</p>
<p>It's a lenghty walk for someone like me who hates all kinds of excersize. I skip through the grass patch like a happy dog. Around the teachers' parking lot we go. Under a big tree that stands out just like Dylan does among others, a half empty area awaits us.</p>
<p>The smoker's pit doesn't look anything like a pit - it's not even an official area. Just inside the boundaries of Clem park, with a tennis court not too far away. Bench under the majestic tree. Several laid-back people are chatting up and having their daily dose of tobacco. Almost no space for me and Brooks to sit down. A guy with dreadlocks, girl with an eyebrow piercing, Rachel next to her. That theatre Rachel who everyone adores. Different cliques mixed up, it seems. Brooks greets them. I smile and give them an enthusiastic handwave, excited to discover a place where people get together without judgement.</p>
<p>Brooks takes out a Malboro cigarette and lights it up with a lighter from his pocket. He looks like he knows Rachel very well, because they immediatly start talking. Standing further from the bench, with his back turned to me, is someone who I know quite well. Straw-like shaggy hair poking out from underneath his baseball cap. The giraffe man acknowledges him and they exchange nods. Then he looks to my direction and a joyful smile makes his already beautiful face even better. While Rachel and Brooks catch up on Chinese philosophy, I run up to my guy.</p>
<p>Dylan's almost hiding behind the tree trunk. He makes sure to exhale the smoke the opposite direction. I greet him with a quick peck on the cheek.</p>
<p>'' Oh Dyl, it's so cold. Brrr.'' I shiver side to side, giving in to the rhythm of my body. Dylan grins.</p>
<p>Touch me. Comfort me. Hide me from the world for a while.</p>
<p>He looks over his shoulder, then puts his arm around me. His touch is tender, as always. I lay my head down against his chest.</p>
<p>He looks down upon me with the best smile I've ever seen on anyone, full of joy. Not the fake kind, It's a real one coming from the heart. It's so contagious I can't help but return it. He takes another drag and observes the area.</p>
<p>I notice a faded grey symbol on his cheek. It must have been drawn on with an eye pencil or something. It looks scarily familiar. Swastika? On him? That makes no sense, I'm positive he told me that he's one fourth jewish. Maybe he has a different meaning behind it. I'm reading too much into it, geez. It's a plus sign with fucked up ends.</p>
<p>Too much comfortable silence has to be broken. Otherwise we'd be standing here like two idiots. Idiots, but in love.</p>
<p>How did I even come to the conclusion that he loves me? He never said it back, never took any hint. Last Saturday, though. The kiss was unreal.</p>
<p>"You're the quiet one today, huh?" Dylan teases.</p>
<p>I change the topic, "How did you do on the economics test?"</p>
<p>" Not my best work." he looks at his feet, like he's ashamed. "That's not what I was aiming for anyways. Screw it." He shurgs.</p>
<p>"I loved your... '' I shuffle my hand in the big pocket of my coat, ''Ah..." I take the folded paper out, "note."</p>
<p>Brooks interrupts us before Dyl can react. He keeps his arm around me. I expected him to be uncomfortable with affection in front of his friends. Guess I did make him come out of his shell.</p>
<p>'' Dude your girl got pushed to the floor,'' Brooks informs him, loud enough for everybody to hear.</p>
<p><em>Your girl</em>.</p>
<p>This guy knows way too much. One more word about Dylan and I being together and the whole school's gonna know it. That is, if they don't already.</p>
<p>My crush stares at him in disbelief, then focuses on me,'' What? Who did that to you?''</p>
<p>I avoid any eye contact with the guys.'' Jenna.'' A sharp pain shoots into my knee. I'm sure I have a big bruise there by now. '' It hurts here.'' I point at the area, biting my lips.</p>
<p>I clench my jaw when Dylan says,'' Let me...'' He lowers himself down, a cigarette in between his lips. With the palms of his hands, he strokes exactly the spot that hurts. I let out a whine and he stops.</p>
<p>'' It hurts even more now,'' I lock eyes with him when he stands up. His eyes are full of empathy and concern. I bet he's holding himself back from saying or doing something. After all, we're not alone here.</p>
<p>Brooks is watching our interaction, peacefully smoking. A smirk forms on his face.'' Get a room. Are you two official now?''</p>
<p>'' No, we're not dating.'' I shake my head, ''just friends.'' I catch Dylan's expression for reassurance, but no success. It's dull and lifeless. Brooks, on the other hand, is impressed by my answer.</p>
<p>'' You two are like yin and yang. Yin is all black. Yang turned into a chick,'' he chuckles and inhales his cigarette.</p>
<p>My eyebrows shoot up.'' You insulting my coat Brooks? Dyl hold me back because I'll start throwing hands!''</p>
<p>'' Dude calm down,'' the blonde haired boy tells his friend. They laugh about it and start talking about their own issues which I'm not apart of. I stand with my arms folded, tapping my foot.</p>
<p>A cat by the nearby bush is enough to make me disassociate from the situation completely. I approach it carefully, making sure I don't make quick movements. Too late. It dissapears in the bushes. God damn you, kitty.</p>
<p>Just when I return, the topic of their conversation changes to jocks going against us. Whatever <em>us</em> is.</p>
<p>'' I wish everyone just fucking got along and cliques didn't exist." I sigh," The world would be more peaceful. Is it too much to ask for?'' I ask dreamily, eyes shifting up into the heavens.</p>
<p>Brooks nods. '' At Columbine? Yeah it is. Better start a war or something, Mari. ''</p>
<p>Dylan throws his cigarette on the ground and steps on it. No hint of interest from him.</p>
<p>I point my finger up, as if to say something important. '' War for peace equals fucking for virginity.''</p>
<p>Brooks snickers and finishes his cigarette.</p>
<p>I observe Dylan's face, to see if there aren't any more swastikas on him. Nothing but the one that makes my stomach twist. His eyes lock with mine again and now it's too awkward to not say something.</p>
<p>'' By the way I've decided I'm gonna ditch my last class,'' I proudly smile.</p>
<p>Dyl is surprised, "Oh really?"</p>
<p>The giraffe man looks at the time on his watch, '' It's about... quarter past the break so I don't think you have any other choice.''</p>
<p>I shrug, '' Unless I kick out the door open and yell <em>good morning Vietnam</em>!''</p>
<p>Dylan laughs but Brooks' eyes on me make him calm down.'' We're still going to my house, right Dylan? Or did you change the plan since your girlie is here?'' Brooks asks him.</p>
<p>'' Wanna go?'' my crush looks down upon me.</p>
<p>I agree with an enthusiastic yes.</p>
<p>How does his house feels like? Brooks looks like a suburban house type of teenager with his dad being a country music fan. I heard Brooks had a punk band but it didn't work out. Maybe he's into country now. Country punk band family. That's it.</p>
<p>'' Isn't it weird that I'm going with you guys?" I ask them as we're going back to the senior parking lot." If you don't really want me there I can go my own way...''</p>
<p>'' Nah all good,'' Brooks assures me before him and Dylan go seperate ways to their cars. Our hands get locked with a light grip.</p>
<p>'' Are you-'' Dylan starts. I raise my eyebrows for him to finish his sentence but his words get stuck in his mind. Poor boy, he is already shy on his own and now I make it worse.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Brooks opens the front door to his house. Dylan goes behind him and I'm the last one to enter, our hands entwined. Quite what I expected, the interior sure isn't modern. Rather a classic style. An older woman with glasses, who I'm sure I saw before, greets her son and his friend.</p>
<p>'' Hello I haven't seen you for a while!'' Dylan's head falls down and our hands seperate. I follow his footsteps to the living room. The woman looks at me with expectancy. It must be Brooks' mom.</p>
<p>We shake hands.'' I'm Dylan's friend Mari. Nice to meet you.''</p>
<p>Brooks comes into the room, "More like girlfriend.'' He plops down on a vintage armchair, fiddling with his hands. I might have just ruined the boys' plans. I shouldn't be here.</p>
<p>She chuckles at what her son said and smiles, '' Call me Judy. Judy Brown.''</p>
<p>Judy steps back to get a better look at my crush, standing right next to me. '' Dylan! Look at you,'' she pauses, searching for words to say, ''You're a man now.''</p>
<p>She doesn't appear too short when they're like this, but as she embraces him, the height difference is apparent.</p>
<p>Her gaze shifts from me to him, "Are you two really dating?"</p>
<p>Brooks laughs out loud, '' Yeah they are!''</p>
<p>Bastard. Damn you.</p>
<p>I look up at Dylan, unsure of how to answer. "No-well I don't know,'' his head sharply turns to me. '' It's complicated." I make sure to not embarass him.</p>
<p>Mrs. Brown leaves to make us something to drink, and we're left alone in the cozy living room. Dylan and I on the sofa, side by side. Shoulders touching. Brooks is ready to get up from his seat, but sits back down as his friend is not cooperating. I kick my backpack further from under my feet.</p>
<p>'' Show me your knee,'' Dyl says in a quiet, low tone.</p>
<p>'' What?" I smile, dumbfolded." No more feet?''</p>
<p>Brooks lets out the air from his puffed cheeks.</p>
<p>Dylan gives me a dull look while the redness on his cheeks grows. '' The bruise.''</p>
<p>I lift up the long fabric of my skirt and roll down my black stocking. I see a hint of purple but avoid looking at it. By Dylan's concerned expression and furrowed brows I know it isn't good.</p>
<p>Even Brooks leans in to get a better view. '' Oh you must have fell hard. Get it checked out or something, it looks bad.''</p>
<p>'' Hard is an understatement." I clench my teeth together when Dylan's fingers lightly rub the spot.</p>
<p>" It hurt like a <em>mothertrucker</em>.'' I say in an australian accent.</p>
<p>I quickly pull the stocking up and skirt down. What if his parents came in that moment? Caught red-handed.</p>
<p>Without any restriction, I let out a laugh.</p>
<p>Giraffe man stops me mid-laugh. "You into computers?"</p>
<p>"Technology is boring. "</p>
<p>Dylan reclines back on the sofa. " Because you don't understand it." My eyes narrow as I look dead into his face. Then I explain to them, </p>
<p>" It can be very entertaining but not for somebody like me with a short attention span. In 10 years we'll have people going down the street yelling FUCK OFF WE'RE DONE then they turn around and oh, it's a small phone in their hand. Crazy."</p>
<p>'' Yeah the gadgets will definitely get smaller,'' my crush agrees.</p>
<p>" I'm afraid we should leave you here with my mom, " Brooks gets up and Dylan follows.</p>
<p>"Yeah it'll be quick," my favorite person glances at me for a second.</p>
<p>They go upstairs, into Brooks' room. My man has an important mission to fix something on his computer. Probably caught a virus, like mine did because I wasn't careful with spam mails. It's an experience and I can't promise it won't happen again.</p>
<p>Mrs. Brown brings two cups of flowery-smelling tea with her, on a silver platter. She places it on the coffee table and makes herself comfortable on the closeby armchair.</p>
<p>I get my face close to one of the cups. Fresh tea. "Oh that smells fabulous. Délicieuse. Sambroso."</p>
<p>She is relieved that I like it, so much that I have to start talking in two other languages.</p>
<p>"Sweetheart, what is your name again? Mary?" she looks at me with her hands together.</p>
<p>"It's Mari. Short for Marianne. We met a few days back," I point at her, "The school threatre, right?''</p>
<p>'' I knew your face was familiar.''</p>
<p>I take a sip out of a cup with pink and white floral pattern. '' This reminds me of my grandparents. It's so welcoming here, I almost want to sleep on this couch.''</p>
<p>Judy smiles, '' Oh thank you. Nobody ever said that about our house.''</p>
<p>After a pause she starts again, " Dylan is a wonderful boy, Mari. I've known him since he was a little child. His mother and I are close friends. He has a good heart, I hope he takes care of you nicely."</p>
<p>I swallow, then place the cup back down.</p>
<p>"Ma'am we're not dating, atleast not yet. I can assure you he is doing a great job," my lips mold into a tight-lipped smile.</p>
<p>"And do you know Eric Harris?" she says his name significantly quieter as if it's a curse.</p>
<p>"Yeah we talk," I shrug. "Not close friends, just friends I guess I'd say."</p>
<p>Her eyes go wide and there's certain secretacy in her voice, ''There is something you should know about, if Dylan hasn't told you already.''</p>
<p>In their family library, where Brooks' dad is working, she folds out papers and files. Police reports.Eric Harris' website page, printed out, highlighted, written over with a blue pen. Talking about making pipe bombs, wanting to kill. He shares his violent hatred for everything under the sun. And for Brooks too. He clearly states that he wants to kill him. Brooks was right when he told me about this. And I thought it was bullshit. Now it's too real to be ignored.</p>
<p>I shake my head, my heart stuck in my neck. '' This is out of this world. He doesn't appear-''</p>
<p>''- Violent?" Mr. Brown asks." That is what we thought too, until this happened. Dangerous kid.''</p>
<p>'' Does Dylan know?" my gaze jumps from Judy to Brooks' dad.</p>
<p>'' Oh yes, he does, '' Mrs. Brown answers.</p>
<p>'' And he still talks to him..." I press my back against the wall, my chest heaving. "I don't know what to make of this!'' I put my face into my hands.</p>
<p>'' Take my advice, stay away from Eric, '' Mrs. Brown pats my shoulder.</p>
<p>I tell her everything Devon and Zack have told me about him. Judy nods in understanding. By talking out loud, I try to put the pieces together. If this is true, and it sure is, then everybody at school is in danger. So is this why majority of people avoid him? My gut feeling says yes, my mind wants me to dig deeper. There isn't ever one side to a person.</p>
<p>Later that afternoon, or rather evening, I take a walk with Dyl in my neighborhood. It's better to take my mind off the heavy subject, despite my brain wanting to run over everything a thousand times.</p>
<p>I rub my thumb over the back of Dylan's hand, '' Did you end up burning Brooks' pants down?''</p>
<p>He purses up his lips and nods. '' Shit yeah. It burst into flames like a Phoenix rising.''</p>
<p>'' Well..." I tug at his hand to stop walking and search my backpack for good material to burn." Could I do that to these photos too?'' I take out the bunch I found yesterday.</p>
<p>'' Why? What's on them?'' he's curious.</p>
<p>'' Memories I'd rather erase from my mind." I turn the batch over to avoid seeing them. "Watching them turn black is a close second option.''</p>
<p>I shove it into his hands. He observes them, '' Are you sure about it?''</p>
<p>I throw my backpack over my shoulder, '' Never been sure about anything more in my life. Literally.''</p>
<p>Dylan takes a zippo lighter out of his pocket. I reach out for it but he blocks me from doing so.</p>
<p>'' I'd rather do it. You would set yourself on fire.''</p>
<p>I stomp like an angry child, '' You don't trust me enough! I'm only a month younger, let me do it.''</p>
<p>'' Oh no,no no."</p>
<p>We head to a concrete road, a safe distance from my house. It's the perfect area - traffic isn't frequent here. No houses around.</p>
<p>Dylan stacks the photos on the grey concrete, creating a tiny pyramid which I'm impressed by. He lights it up and waits for it to catch fire. A small flame ignites at the bottom of his paper model. It spreads out like butter on a toast, and turns into a big fire.</p>
<p>I skip around it, doing wavy arm movements and hypnotizing siren-like sounds.</p>
<p>'' Careful Mari,'' he warns me, tension in his words.</p>
<p>I keep skipping,'' Hey I know what to do! It's not like the flame is gonna shoot at me.''</p>
<p>'' Oh no, she's doing a voodoo curse!'' he chuckles. '' Everybody hide!''</p>
<p>He pulls me over to him, to keep me out of danger. At first I giggle at the playful move, but then my face freezes. He is doing this because he cares. I nuzzle into his chest, and his arms go around me. He places his chin ontop of my head. Goosebumps travel up my back, despite him making me warm up.</p>
<p>I look back on the paper photographs burning behind me, '' It's so peaceful watching it burn.''</p>
<p>He gently runs his fingers through the back of my hair. I close my eyes.'' You can forget about the memories now.''</p>
<p>He lowers his head until it meets mine. Our foreheads touch. Fireworks explode in my stomach, my chest is heavy.'' They're forever in my memory.''</p>
<p>His mouth is half open and hot breath washes over my cold skin,'' In time it will be less painful.''</p>
<p>Involuntarily the corners of my mouth curl downwards. '' Why does Jenna dislike me so much? ''</p>
<p>The answer is more than obvious. Eric's rage is like an energy bolt that fuels Jenna's underlying hatred. Both hate, but for different reasons. Both might even hate me. Dylan does nothing because he's such a people pleaser.</p>
<p>A salty ocean clouds my vision. I begin to sob, a heavy baggage lying inside my chest. I grip his duster even tighter. My shaking fingers grasp onto his soft, wavy blonde hair.</p>
<p>'' I know. I know,'' he whispers against the top of my head. '' You're my favorite chicken.''</p>
<p>'' Guess what?'' I mumble into the fabric of his duster.</p>
<p>'' Hm.''</p>
<p>'' You are my favorite crow.''</p>
<p>'' Crow? Like that movie?'' Dylan chuckles.</p>
<p>'' Yes, my blonde Eric Draven. My god, imagine Eric being the crow!'' and I laugh through my tears.</p>
<p>He breaks the special moment, "How the fuck do we put the fire out?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The shocking news have gotten to me by late evening. I never sleep until atleast midnight anyways. Time to match my mood with some groovy music. Hunched over my dresser with a three-row-CD stand, my fingers shuffle through the albums of various artists and genres.</p>
<p>Billy Idol's first album? Too much rock n' roll. Bush's Sixteen Stone - memories of Jenna and I rocking out to it in her car every morning the whole sophomore year. Fatboy Slim,eh. Cocteau Twins. Siamese Dream by the one and only Smashing Pumpkins, too much teen angst. It needs to be emotional enough to rip my guts out through my ears. At last, The Cranberries' 1993 album could do just that.</p>
<p>With the haunting melody of one of their tracks, I lay down on the soft white pillow. My head sinks in, and I spread out on the comfort of the twin-sized bed.<br/>Thoughts begin the spiral. Could Eric be more dangerous than I thought? The stuff he wrote were chilling. If Dylan knows about this, why isn't he doing anything? Brooks and Eric do have tension between them. Devon and Zack too warned me about him. I need to see it for myself, because all I have experienced so far is nothing but the <em>'nice guy'</em> Eric.</p>
<p>Fuck, Dylan. I wish you were here.</p>
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